Jimmy Swaggart obituary

Man, that last one brings out a memory of the only visit to a church I ever enjoyed (other than the music, I always did love a choir or a nice singalong).

See, my ass jumped ship from christianity when I was 12ish I had been having doubts before that, but around that age, I was able to read the Bible and start thinking about what preachers said and none of it was adding up.

So, I just quit believing any of it. I was what you might call a determined kid once I formed a strong opinion. Might call it stubborn, but whatever. Point is I washed my hands if it and never considered going back. My parents were fine with that, they'd never been serious about it anyway, just went for the social aspects, and we weren't regulars even then.

But, I didn't hate church, and I was fine with other people's beliefs. So, sometimes a friend or whatever would invite me along on a Sunday, and I'd usually go along. That eventually stopped, but lasted into high school.

In jr high, I got invited along to a Baptist church. Now, my family had gone to the closest baptist church when we went, but it was what you might call fancy baptist. The kind where the fire and brimstone was damped down in favor of love thy neighbor and pretty dresses.

This church though, the preacher must have thought he was on tv because damn!

You've likely seen people doing impressions of a fire and brimstone style preacher. All the hallelujahs and can-i-get-an-amens, the intensity and performance of it. This guy used all those tricks.

He was preaching on Jesus and the money lenders. He gets to the part about (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ and such, and he grabs the mic in one hand, and starts knotting up his handkerchief.

We were in the front row because my friend had said that's where you wanted to be.

He was right!

This preacher goes back and forth across the front pews just beating the ever living hell out of everyone. Then down the aisle whacking everyone on the ends. Then he comes back to the front and gets us all again.

The man is red, dripping sweat, and tears off his jacket. Then he really starts preaching.

Now, it's all batshit crazy, the dude is just balls out raving about the love of money and greed and such. Not really giving any helpful hints, just laying out how bad greed is for fifteen minutes. By the time he's done, his tie is dangling loose, his shirt is soaked, and his hair is flying.

So 10/10 entertainment!

And it was followed up with the usual passing of the plate to great success. The thing was piled so high it had to be brought up front and emptied twice just on our side of the aisle.

Then we got the choir, and a singalong of amazing grace, which is always nice.

But that guy just breaking the fuck out and beating little old ladies, us kids, and everyone in between was peak performance.

3 comments

How much do we have to pay to read it?
How much tax did he pay?
When Jesus entered the temple, did he throw Jimmy's table and whip him?
- Man, that last one brings out a memory of the only visit to a church I ever enjoyed (other than the music, I always did love a choir or a nice singalong).
  See, my ass jumped ship from christianity when I was 12ish I had been having doubts before that, but around that age, I was able to read the Bible and start thinking about what preachers said and none of it was adding up.
  So, I just quit believing any of it. I was what you might call a determined kid once I formed a strong opinion. Might call it stubborn, but whatever. Point is I washed my hands if it and never considered going back. My parents were fine with that, they'd never been serious about it anyway, just went for the social aspects, and we weren't regulars even then.
  But, I didn't hate church, and I was fine with other people's beliefs. So, sometimes a friend or whatever would invite me along on a Sunday, and I'd usually go along. That eventually stopped, but lasted into high school.
  In jr high, I got invited along to a Baptist church. Now, my family had gone to the closest baptist church when we went, but it was what you might call fancy baptist. The kind where the fire and brimstone was damped down in favor of love thy neighbor and pretty dresses.
  This church though, the preacher must have thought he was on tv because damn!
  You've likely seen people doing impressions of a fire and brimstone style preacher. All the hallelujahs and can-i-get-an-amens, the intensity and performance of it. This guy used all those tricks.
  He was preaching on Jesus and the money lenders. He gets to the part about (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ and such, and he grabs the mic in one hand, and starts knotting up his handkerchief.
  We were in the front row because my friend had said that's where you wanted to be.
  He was right!
  This preacher goes back and forth across the front pews just beating the ever living hell out of everyone. Then down the aisle whacking everyone on the ends. Then he comes back to the front and gets us all again.
  The man is red, dripping sweat, and tears off his jacket. Then he really starts preaching.
  Now, it's all batshit crazy, the dude is just balls out raving about the love of money and greed and such. Not really giving any helpful hints, just laying out how bad greed is for fifteen minutes. By the time he's done, his tie is dangling loose, his shirt is soaked, and his hair is flying.
  So 10/10 entertainment!
  And it was followed up with the usual passing of the plate to great success. The thing was piled so high it had to be brought up front and emptied twice just on our side of the aisle.
  Then we got the choir, and a singalong of amazing grace, which is always nice.
  But that guy just breaking the fuck out and beating little old ladies, us kids, and everyone in between was peak performance.
- Hell of a read! Thank you!
  I've been to a church in the African slums (kibera). It was more soulful than your description, but, it was intense also. African gospel rhythm, with wailing African style and deep, deep pulse like humming. Damn it was something.