I want a boyfriend, but I feel like I don't deserve to have one, and I keep alternating between those two thoughts which is making me feel confused. Is this normal?

My old boyfriend died in 2015 (from diabetes) and I've been single since then. I also don't know if I'll like having sex or not. I am sexually attracted to men/am straight but I don't know. It's like the idea of someone doing that to me, I'd find it embarrassing because I'm gross.