What was the biggest pill you've had to swallow about your own self or habits?

The biggest pill was that I am not intelligent. I was just studious and invested enough time to pass exams. People not doing what they should do is not them being stupid but me not grasping the full picture.
The second biggest pill that I am still swallowing is that I am not a good person. I try to behave in a good way, but it's manipulative and not authentic. People don't like goodness if it doesn't come from the heart.
- You sound like a very interesting person if I may say so (: Love me some folks who were brave enough to have faced these gigantic pillbottles.

That trauma is not an identity and if I want to grow as a person I have to resolve that trauma and let go of the past.

It was an incredibly large antibiotic pill because I didn’t want to shower (it took away from reading) and I got impetigo.

When people told me I was smart as a child/young adult, what they really meant was I was showcasing a skill they lacked, which the overwhelming majority of people don't give a shit about an adult having.

I was causing most of my own problems by having too many expectations that weren’t actually necessary

Yes... quitting all your jobs and becoming homeless is much better then getting abused 80 hours a week by your 3 employers
But there can be a better way.

Just because I've been in relationships for years doesn't mean I'm any good at them 😬

I realized at about 20 that I can really hurt people by trying to whitewash reality and sweep the bad away.
I also have a hard time making friends and then maintaining those relationships. Would like to get better, but apparently not enough to actually do so? We'll see. Life is searching.

That I come from a highly dysfunctional family and my entire personality is a reaction to them. I knew they were dysfunctional but I was in denial about their impact. Connecting with my true self had been a bitch.

I'm a bitter, angry, mfer and I need to chill out sometimes
- Relatable tbh. I think a good part of it was depression in my younger years, but, I used to be an incredibly angry person.
  It took a long time for me to accept that the truth is, you don't get angry about shit you don't care about. Hard to accept that half the things I'd get angry at weren't worth it. The other half anger just wasn't a helpful response. Been a long process of learning to have a better reaction for me.
- You are me.
  I play shitty passive-aggressive mindgames. When I bleed, scorpions and stinging-flies spawn from the puddles.
- Same here. I lose my temper too easily then I get back to normal quickly and wonder why I was so upset.

I gotta spend less time on lemmy
- TikTok → Reddit → Lemmy → ...grass?
  
  Screw grass, touch moss instead

I've started noticing that I'm echoing some of the bad habits of my father, either behaviorally or genetically, I'm not sure which. I'm determined to never go down that path because I've seen what it's done to our family. I've made some changes that will hopefully head that off. If those don't help, there's always professional help.
Still, depressing to realize.
- Similar boat. It helps to have someone who is willing to (kindly and patiently) call you out on it, with the understanding that it's what you want them to do. Good luck, stay strong and be confident that acknowledging the issue and wanting to change are huge steps you've already taken
  
  Thank you! Good luck to you too :)

The realization of how truely alone I am when everything started collapsing after our house was sold and how my parents who supposedly were suppose to love me, don't love me and how I do have daddy issues because of this and I am not exactly as strong mentally as I thought of myself to be.

I need to get a grip when driving and not let others upset me so easily.
- I read somewhere that if you're angry when you're driving, you're actually angry about something not driving-related. It's just manifesting while you're behind the wheel.
- Stay in the basement. No driving required.
- 7Hey fellow road rager! I too suffer from this aillment while knowing at the same time that it could be life threatening if I cross paths with an armed short fused a$$hole. I live in a very high traffic city with stuff to do on both sides of it, taking my kid to some classes results in a two hour commute and then two hours back home. Not easy and it makes me want to light my hair on fire sooooo me and my kid play the "maybe" game:
  Maybe that guy cut me off because he is pooping in his pants (Kid laughs and it Takes the edge of me bursting into flames)
  Maybe that lady trying to pass me in a not so nice way is late for her flight to (insert whatever place you/your kid think of and talk about what things you'd like to do there. While in Italy, for example, we thought about asking for a pizza with pineapple on it and putting a clown wig on the David)
  I could go on and on (I won't) but the main thing is to redirect my anger as energy to somewhere else.
  I find it amusing when I do it with my kid because it helps us connect while spending time together. When I am by myself I play it too, but the NSFW version: This guy is tailgating me because he cannot wait to get pegg3d when he gets home. Etc etc. I chuckle for a bit and let it pass. Not kink shaming anyone at all.
  Maybe I am a bit insane but this has helped me tremendously.
  
  Great outlook i need to try this

I cannot sing.
- So what? Sing all you want. Take a big fart in every kareoke bar you visit. Who cares?
- Even in the shower?
  
  I emit a series of sounds that would be considered a crime by every advanced civilization.

That I actually do have a bad temper and do get angry very easily, that my anger does not justify my verbal/physical reactions (nor was I 'right' just because I was angry) and that these reactions will hurt those I care about/those I don't care about but still didn't deserve my violence, which is a surefire way to end up in jail (perhaps) and in Hell (more likely).
For everyone who has similar issues, try to remember two things:
Ambiguous behaviour does not mean aggressive behaviour.
The flesh is weak. If you, in your anger, start a fight and perhaps just push someone and they crack their head and die/lose function, you'll never live it down, you will always be the guy who killed someone in anger (and not even righteous anger, you're just temperamental). And it can happen very quickly too! A good man cannot live with that, only a hell-bound one can, so either you'll be oppressed by your guilt or you'll realize you've lost your humanity and you're a full on psycho.
- If you're gonna break the law, be smart about it. In the time it takes you to do it the right way, you probably will have these feelings pass. If not... get that shitter.
- I needed to read this

I dissociate and fawn pretty much constantly in most social situations. I do not feel in control. What most people know me as is a bunch of trauma responses. I feel like I'm watching myself have conversations and making "decisions" from another room.
It took me a long time to admit this to myself.
- Stop having social situations by staying in the basement. All better!
- I have this too, I have some friends that I can be myself with and some other people that my trauma response just kicks in and I become non confrontational people pleaser. Im starting to notice it more and trying to not do it.
- Do you manage to better "stand your ground" now that you're aware of the fawning ?
  
  Only really just started to notice I'm doing it constantly. Not much luck or strategy so far
- holy shit, u put it better than i could, this is exactly what i have been grappling with lately and i have no idea how to fix it
  
  If I understand correctly, fawning is people pleasing to an excess because you're afraid of the potential response. I've had trouble saying "no" for a long ass time, and have been bending over backwards to accomodate other people, at my expense, completely disregarding my own comfort and preferences. I think that's part of the same mechanic. I slowly realized other people mostly place their own needs first, and somehow find themselves legitimate when asking the other party to "meet them halfway". So I've been trying to emulate this. Does this ring a bell to you ?

My ADD is far worse than I thought and I should have noticed that decades ago.
- What symptoms have you noticed? I'm trying to figure out my own behaviour and would be really interested in your experience
  
  I took LTO-3 food supplements against ADHD. ADD is thought to be the same mental disorder but with different symptoms, so it worked on me as well, except temporarily, only for teo weeks. Perhaps due to my type of autism of which the types of autism really haven't been distinguished yet.
  So if you take LTO-3 and you notice vast differences in your own behavior, then you have ADD/ADHD.
  Here's what I noticed:
  Vastly less trouble following group conversations.
  No looking down automatically when walking.
  No more lazy body swaying due to low energy.
  Much easier switching to a new task
  Much easier starting a new task
  Less 'mind weight' making it..
  Easier to talk
  Easier to pay attention at board games
  Having energy left after 8 hours of work instead of crashing down.
  
  Any doctor, nurse practitioner, etc. should be able to give you a screening test - in my case it was a 20-question form that said at the bottom if you answered Yes to more than 2 questions you might have some form of ADHD. I answered Yes to all but two lol.

Anxiety and taking care of others before I take care of myself.

Intelligence and depression go hand-in-hand. Thank God for drugs.
- My brother is so smart he can rationalize his way out of seeking help for his chronic depression. I once told him about a FREE depression meds trial and he said "I don't want to be artificially happy." I responded "So you'd rather be naturally miserable?"
  
  The human race is a constant disappointment

That life is truly a neverending struggle. Sure, you get to enjoy some of that struggle, and you can take a break every now and then. Nevertheless, the only time you're truly free from it is when you're dead.
No, I don't plan to end it immaturely. Please don't put me on suicide watch. I still have my people to take care of. 😅
- Me too, thanks.
- Life would be boring and meaningless without some struggle. Would you like to play a game where you just constantly win without even trying? Boring.
  
  There's a difference between "win without even trying" and "barely holding up"
  
  I truly wish you the least boring and most meaningful life possible. May you gag on your own medicine for the rest of your years.

For me, it was “saying no doesn’t make me a bad person.” I was raised around extremely Christian people who emphasized that you should be there for everyone, even at the expense of self.
The problem is, people eventually take advantage of you. Also, when you finally say “no” to them, they act as though you’re a terrible person.
- Also, when you finally say “no” to them, they act as though you’re a terrible person.
  To them, it looks like they are the only person to which you say no. This means that you say no because of them. People don't like being questioned like that.
  Add some assurance that the no is not personal.
- This is similar to "be a soldier and suck it up". I used to keep my objections to myself and go along with things. This doesn't make your feelings go away, instead it makes resentment build up along with passive aggression. I now speak up but do so reasonably nicely.
- I had this recently. My parents wanted me to make a full hour round trip drive across town to pick them up in the middle of the night so they could save $50 on a taxi. I said no as I have kids to look after now, and my mom launched into how I'm not family first anymore and after all the things she did for me as a kid, she can't depend on me to pick her up.
  I stuck to my guns though. They conned my brother with the same story, but I set a boundary.
  
  Wow, the “family first” remark, while you’re taking care of your kids, gets me. That’s so familiar.
  It’s as if people hearing “no” from you, when you would normally just cave in and do whatever was requested, is an act of aggression from people. It’s strange… they become so hateful.
  Good on you for sticking with your boundaries!
  
  Agree with the other commenter. If she ever pulls that line with you again make sure you throw it right back at her. "You're right, family first. That's my kids and my spouse." Maybe she'll start to realize the family shifts as you age.
- I've experience this first hand, and watched it from the other side. My mother is extremely "Christian", and that's one of her phrases there. To her, people helping her became an expectation, not an act of kindness. She was a single mom, and so people around town would help her out. Like our local appliance guy, he'd give her a deal on a new dishwasher - and then she would push her luck and ask him to install it. And then start calling him directly when the slightest thing might be wrong with it. And then for other appliances. And then for random handiman stuff. She of course never repaid him for everything he did.
  Because he's a Christian, and so was she. So of course he was "happy" to do it for her. A few people eventually did tell her no, and she would immediately convince herself that they were bad people and that she "had to cut them out of her life" because of the negativity.
- I try to remind myself that when I do say yes, they're never quite as happy/appreciative/etc. as I expected or hoped for.
  I try to please the people but the people aren't even pleased, ugh.
  
  "Yo, you could be at least a little happier and grateful about it, you know I could be {doing something else that I actually enjoy}, I'm just doing this for you!"
- I felt this loaf

You can do everything right that people taught you. But you only start living when you make mistakes, fuck up, and find the places where you belong, and a picture perfect life doesn't bring you happiness; it's rather shallow and lonely.
That paired with the realization that my mental disabilities will make me lonely for the rest of my life and there's only so much I can do about it without having breakdowns.
- "It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness, that is life."
  Jean-Luc Picard

It's easy to do when we're all surrounded constantly by the paradox of money meaning nothing at all, but also the only material thing that dictates the action and activity of everything past and future
Biggest Pill I've had to swallow is that no matter much I love programming and will continue my computer hobbies for life. I will never make a profession out of it. I'm slowly coping with the fact that all my work will ultimately influence very nearly nothing at all...
- I love programming and will continue my computer hobbies for life. I will never make a profession out of it
  Why do you say that? Is it by choice or do you not see how you could make it a career?
  I’m slowly coping with the fact that all my work will ultimately influence very nearly nothing at all…
  What kind of impact were you hoping for? I mean lots of jobs have little "influence" - I would actually say almost all jobs. But that doesn't mean we are not all part of collective progress.
  
  Could certainly be argued as a choice ultimately. I didn't quite finish my BS in CS, I'm entering my 30s with a wife that depends on me not leaving my decent and steady warehouse mgmt job atm. I've tried a couple of times--last time I was building a great portfolio maintaining a hobbyist arch distro, but I just never got past the interview stages. My network is too small, and the job market seems to be a dumpster fire with no upturn in sight.
  I know these are excuses and ultimately it is a choice that I shouldn't give up on my dreams the way I am, but I wanted to answer your question as honestly as possible for some reason. As far as impact, it's basically been a lifelong dream of mine to just make software that helps improve the quality of life of as many sentient beings as I possibly can. I know it's immature and overly idealist, but I can't shake it
- On the other hand I have found a lot of people who turn the hobby they love into a business and it ruins the joy they found in their hobby.
  
  That is certainly a bright side of the matter isn't it. Maybe keeping the joy alive is more critical than the bread?
- I'm not here to influence things. I was in the thick of it for a bit, but I'm here now.
  I love coding. I get to do it for money. It allows me a nice little apartment in a nice environment and with my wife chipping in her half we're a little insulated from financial strife. A little.
  That's it. I code, I eat food and live with a beautiful girl who seems to care for me, and we occasionally get to go see family or a strange new place. I'm flying as close to the sun as I dare.
  Find peace in your existence and enjoy what you're doing, whether programming is the bread or it's the butter. It's all a means to an end of doing something you love for what little time we have here.
- I feel you. I think about how intangible code is and how quickly that will fade from existence... It's heavy, to say the least. And yet the challenge ever calls me to solve a problem with ones and zeroes.
  
  I built a business with my code, and it helps save/improve hundreds of thousands of lives around the world. I don't want to doxx myself so won't give any further info.
  Just because it's intangible, your code can still potentially have a huge amount of value.

I once had an Excedrin get stuck in my throat sideways. That was a pretty uncomfortable several hours of my life.

I only exist to care for the people I love, and without them I have nothing else to organize my life around.
- This one burns me to the core, and echoes my life. It scares me to know, that without that, I am truly alone
- Codependency is a bitch. But it’s never too late to start differentiating yourself.
- If they care for you and love you back, that shouldn't be a problem, right? Life is, and I'm quoting Solomon here, ultimately meaningless/vain/empty/vapor, what better life could we have than to love and be loved? Not everyone is a prophet/disease curing scientist/victorious revolutionary, the rest of us can focus on just enjoying our lives wisely (fearing God and keeping his commandments = being a good person in earnest), loving and being loved, as it fills us way better than food and shopping can.

Since no one on here will ever know me…
It’s accepting that I have autism and that having autism is ok. My mom used “autistic” as an insult against me, the first time I remember was from age 5 as an attempt to control behavior she saw as undesirable. Running circles outside until I wore the grass out and flapping my hands about was something I needed to feel ashamed about according to her. And so I hid that and everything else she criticized so hard that I couldn’t accept that the reason I struggled so hard with a lot of things in my life wasn’t because I was just some innate failure but because I had an unaddressed condition that was she not only refused to help with but actively made worse.
To this day I still cannot do things like make eye contact, or tolerate being touched. But I’ve learned to not only accept myself for who I am, but accept that little boy who never understood why his own mother never seemed to be able to love him.
- I have to force myself to make eye contact when talking. I usually look away when talking, it helps me think. Some people think you aren't being sincere but oh well.
- 💔

That no matter how often people said it as a kid, I'm not capable of anything I put my mind to. I'm not smart, I'm very very mediocre at best, and my interests don't align with my capabilities so my only options for work are things I don't generally want to do.
I only really had 2 goals in life, a third developed later, and I've failed at all if them. I wanted to be in a loving relationship (going on 40 and have been single for the last decade), to not be the person who hates going to their job every day, and eventually I started wanting to own a home because I found that I need space for the hobbies I enjoyed. It's a Sinatra song right, 0 out of 3 ain't bad? Something like that... Lol
- On the plus side, you're eloquent and express yourself very well. Any interest in writing/editing as a career or side hustle?
  
  I appreciate the compliment!! I had thought about writing, but whenever I try I get like two sentences down and immediately start thinking "who the hell am I to be writing something?" I start feeling like a pretentious jerk and stop lol
- I grew being told I was smart. And to be fair, I am. I always grasped things quick and got through school without much effort.
  But what it really ended up being was undiagnosed ADHD.
  But when I had to really focus and stick with something for an extended period of time I always struggled. Especially when I lost the structure of being forced to go to school every day.
  Im 35 this year and I never expected to be able to hold down a relationship, I had flings but nothing stuck. It wasn't until other things in life going that I rekindled a missed connection from years past. It was only 2 years ago and now she and her daughter live with me.
  As for hobbies, I really wish there was a better way to do it than owning all my own stuff. Communal woodshops and auto shops that were more easily accessible. Then hacker spaces for the more niche things. But I know that's a resource that's more accessible around cities.
- Ugh, I hate the lie we've promoted for decades that "you can be anything!" and "you're all special!". No, we can't all be anything we want. I'll never be a rock star, I'll never be a great athlete, etc. And we aren't all special, we are more alike than we may care to admit.
  Your specific issues may be due to unrealistic expectations. Do you hate jobs in general due to being on a schedule all the time? Should you have your own business? Look at what you choose in other people, what you look for may need to change since it has a bad track record. Look at your own behavior too, are you self sabotaging? Do you have bad traits like a short temper? As far as a house that has so many variables like where you live may just be too expensive, need to look harder for smaller and older homes in your price range, etc.
  
  As far as the job goes, I just meant that my interests are more aligned with scientific research/discovery but that I'm in no way shape or form a "scientist." I'm nowhere near smart enough for that. Other than that I do like fixing things, but I hate driving and I need a schedule. I hated being a service technician never knowing when the day would be over and having to get a call once I got home to go back out.
  For the house, it's 100% the area... Houses that are basically twice burned down, glorified sheds, once selling for $60k USD back in 2016 are now $250k+ it's absolute insanity.
  
  I agree, I'm not saying anyone should be put down for wanting to try something difficult but that they should be told of the odds of success. Maybe encourage them to put their effort into something more achievable. Everyone should be allowed to try of course, no one has good odds for becoming famous/successful but inevitably some people will be
- Why won't you try your luck at love again? Buying a house is easier done with a partner who works too...
  
  That's one part that's really killing me, not having the relationship makes not having the house pretty much guaranteed.
  It's sorta complicated, but mostly I'm just not a desirable person and I live in an area that's predominantly really really old people. With my lack of education and the general state of the economy, moving away from my job never felt smart and because of where I live moving is really complicated. I can't get a new job first because the move would put to way too far for a commute so you're stuck in that "how can I get a place to live without a job, and how do I get a job without a place to live?" situation.

That I didn't know who I was. My lack of self awareness hampered my growth trajectory, my maturity, and relationships. My first failed marriage was a pinnacle of this issue. Though, fast forward 5 years, I'm a vastly different person, know who I am and what I want and where I want to end up. I feel guilty for my ex wife and the impact I had on them. I hope they're happier where ever they may be.
- That sounds super healthy actually. Good outlook to have. We all make mistakes, what matters is if we learned from them.
- Self discovery - the journey of a lifetime
- Know thyself...congrats. I can say with certainty that the guilt of affecting ones close to you will never leave you. Light comes from darkness.

That not only am I not a good person, it's mostly impossible for a person to be truly good. Even knowing what good is, in its entirety, is nigh impossible. The best that can be done isn't necessarily within my energy and/or skill.
There are wrongs that cannot meaningfully be righted.
Doing a little good some of the time is the most I can ever aspire to.
- The definition of what is "good" changes depending on the person, the situation, etc. It is like defining what is "perfect".
  
  So what happens when two people in the same or similar situation define the same action, one defines it as good, the other as evil? It's pretty easy to construct a situation where each person feels morally justified in killing the other.
  That doesn't seem like a very useful morality.
- Autism enters the chat
- That's Jesus' "why do you call me good? Only the Father is good". You can never be perfect nor infallible, of course, but maybe you'll be good enough and God will approve of you and that's all we can work towards. No need to use this understanding to give yourself moral allowances though: let your mistakes be mistakes and not plans for immorality.
  
  Woah, did Jesus actually say that (AFAWK)? Because I knew a Christian Scientist who said the whole religion's view of Jesus was that he wasn't a god, he was "a perfect man". That quote sounds like he was literally disclaiming this.
  
  While it may sound similar it's meaningfully different. Jesus' statement asserts that good is an attritibute that can be had by some being, just not you or me. I am asserting that good is not something anyone can be. There's no deity involved here.
- I feel you. The more you know, the less you can do any good. You can try and try and try all around and all you achieved by doing your best in doing good is discovering more bad and feel like you've failed altogether. I try to stick to the thought of that it's only MY best I can do, I'm not almighty and everywhere. And maybe I just have set my standards/morals too high.

For me it was the discovery that my parents were shitty people on the narcissism spectrum. I had no clue, because when you grow up in a toxic environment, it's your "normal" and all you know.

None of my hobbies will last as long as I want and thats okay
- ADHD, my hobby is collecting hobbies.
- I've come to appreciate being a jack of all trades

I really am kind of messy but it's because I work so much I don't have time to do anything properly at all. I always feel frantic.

I'm horrible at acting in my own best interest and will say no to opportunities because i don't feel like i deserve it or that I'm capable of doing something.

That I have a tendency towards addiction with drugs. I've been high (marijuana) more often than not for the past decade, with spurts of alcoholism peppered in throughout my adult life. I also had a phase for about a year where I did shrooms once or twice a week.
I still struggle with my consumption, but at least now I'm aware that it can easily get to the point where it affects my life too much and can cut back when I'm starting to feel like I'm getting sucked in. I think I'll always be an addict of some form or another, though.
- I am an "all or nothing type". Have weed in the house? It will be smoked daily. But, I stopped years ago. Stopped thinking about it, stopped being around people associated with it. I am proud now. I hope to be proud years from now from not throwing money away. Gotta let go and not think about it.

I’m a lazy follower who never figured out who I was, so I just followed the path of least resistance. As a result, I don’t like myself very much and cope with sarcasm and wit.

I am cringe, but I am free.
- Me too, thanks.

I'm just not that... (insert thing here)

I feel like OP just wanted to brag that they're rich enough to have access to brokerage accounts.
- Anyone can open an account. I did not type this to brag. I wanted to hear what other people have realized about themselves. I don't own a home/have a mortgage and my cars are beaters. If only I put the money to use in a way that meant something to myself and the people I loved instead of making poor decisions, I might actually be better off in life now.
  
  If you have the discipline to only toss in a hundred and then use that to play around with or contribute 20$ a month from your job then you can do that stuff. But it's not easy if you're someone that always goes all in.
- Pretty cool thing to learnabout yourself and your own bias i think.