Why do you think JD Vance killed the Pope?

the vatican couch was plush

The pope didn’t thank him

Obviously Vance wanted to fuck the Papal seat. The pope tried to explain that he couldn't just let Vance fuck the chair of St Peter. Vance did not like this answer.
- He slew two white whales in the same building!

Rearrange the letters in J.D. Vance and you get VADJECAN

JD Vance was the thing that made the Pope finally give up on humanity.

He probably didn't even do it on purpose. But I'm sure he did it.

He killed him by being near him
- Remind some of this

One thing I've learned is never try to beat a couch fucker at his own game

Obviously he was hoping to take his powers.

Pope didn't say Thank you.
- Pope didn't wear a suit.
  
  White Pope robes? Don't you know how to wear respectful clothing?
  
  Pope was wearing a dress.
- But he did prove the power of prayer

Just
Die
Vatican
Asshole
Now
Cum
Expeditiously

Same as Liz Truss killing the queen. Sometimes, when you're old and in poor health, you just experience something that makes you think "fuck it, I don't need to put up with this shit anymore."
- Lol .... this is it
  When you're at the end of your life and hanging on the edge looking for a glimmer of hope .... then you get visited by an absolute tool that is only motivated by greed and power and represents a general apathy for any kind of humanity ...
  you just think to yourself, "yeah, nah, this isn't worth it any more"
  
  Especially if you genuinely believe in an afterlife. At some point, you think, "Why am I tolerating this tool? I got MUCH better places to be."

Just want to point out this is what furniture in the Vatican looked like before Pope Francis
And then after Pope Francis
- Yeah, as far as popes go he was pretty chill
- Still needed a way to finance a billion dollar corporation with tens of thousands of prime real estate all over the world managed by a legion of professional clergy all managed by a central office that is it's own country at the center of one of the most expensive cities in the world ..... all while spreading the message of piety, peace and being humble.
  As much as everyone likes to glorify catholic leaders, they're still a mafia force that is based on money and wealth and Christian faith last
  
  For sure, but as long as the mafia exists (which looks like it's going to be for a good long while still) I want it to have the leader who will do the most good possible, even if it's still a net negative. There are those out there who would use the resources to do a lot of harm.
- If anyone really cares, that's because Pope Francis was from the Jesuit Order. The first pope to be one. They swear poverty among other things, so the golden chair wouldn't look appropriate.
  
  dude even refused to live in the Pope's residence and stays at the 3 star hotel (not really a hotel but described that way) that's for the visiting clergy (kept deliberately simple to dissuade visitors from wanting to stay too long). the guy's humility is inspiring even if I don't like his org.
  
  Also South American Catholics are a bit more hardcore about the poverty and activism stuff. I don’t think Francis was necessarily full on “liberation theology,” but I can’t imagine probably knowing priests who got “free helicopter rides” for standing up for poor and indigenous people probably does impact how you think.
  
  Don't worry though they kept it in good shape in storage.
- Finally gets to visit the pope; does't get to fuck the fancy chairs. 😔
- I hope they sold the old chair and used the money for the poor, but they probably just tucked it in the attic
- I wonder what the next Pope's chair will look like
  
  It'll probably be Q's chair from The Trial Never Ends.
  
  Iron Throne
- Both chairs are still in the Vatican. It's like when people talked about Bezos driving his old car.
- Damn, dude really wrecked the Vatican's economy!

He killed the pope then a couple days later started up a Muslim terror attack on Hindus so all the worlds major religions are at war

Homie has a problem with decency and people following the word of Jesus, despite publicly saying he is a Christian.
- not just christian. catholic.
  in any other age, any other pope, he'd have been excommunicated and maybe put to the auto de fe.

I love how this is thread is basically lemmyshitpost lmao

I asked ChatGPT to explain why JD Vance would kill the pope and it cited articles at me to tell me that JD Vance did not, in fact, kill the pope. I even tried to get it to doubt itself and it doubled down. If I have to live in slop world, I should at least be able to have fun with it :(
- Interesting, no slop against big brother.

He had his eye on a really nice couch in the lobby.
- Imagine a couch. Comfortable. Soft. Now imagine it can move you around wherever you want to go. Imagine it is surrounded by bullet-proof glass to keep you safe, but also so you can enjoy adoration from millions of people without even having to get up.
  Well, it exists, but it's one-of-a-kind, it can only have one owner, and it's currently spoken-for. What do you do?
  
  Vance killing the Pope in order to get a chance at fucking the Pope-mobile is my new favorite head cannon.

The Pope had this really hot couch and JD fell in love with it at first sight. JD asked the couches father (the Pope) for the couches hand in marriage. The Pope, thinking this was a strange joke, laughed at JD's request. This filled JD with rage so he slit the popes thoat and began fucking the hot sofa.
As he bled out the pope was forced to watch the repeated violent defloration of his favorite piece of furniture.
- *loveseat

The pope asked the Trump administration to be kind to immigrants and the poor. Can't have talk like that from the church.
- Doesn't the Pope know that empathy is a sin?
  
  The devil is tempting me to be kind and have compassion for others.
- Lol church money flowing to the poor and needy? How would the poor get into heaven without a life of suffering? (Mother Theresa's view on charity, not mine).
  
  Careful now, Martin Luther!

JD didn't do it on purpose. The most reasonable answer is the Pope accidentally walked on JD in a tender moment with a loveseat. The Pontiff laughed himself to death.
- JD Vance had FOXDIE

JD Vance just existed
The pope died of cringe from experiencing Vance's presence.

I don't think it was on purpose the Pope was just too frail to be in the same room as that much cringe. Frankly it was irresponsible of them to allow Vance anywhere near him.
- I usually don't subscribe to victim blaming, but this one is ok.

Vance is pure evil. Pure evil needs to feed to sustain. In the face of pure evil the pope lost all hope and then Vance fed upon his soul.
- There's photo evidence thanks to AI

He's both a subordinate of the Anti-Christ and Russian asset. He was called upon to kill the pope to initiate the Pope election process that they can manipulate in order to get a more "pro-apocalypse" Pope in place.
- and Russian asset
  I'll give away for free, but in bundle with Putin.

The Pope showed him his latest meme
- UV unwrap

If he had anything to do with it he probably heated the discussion and yelled at him like a spoiled brat.

The Pope refused to join his Signal group.
- He joined the wrong signal group. Vance only realized when the pope asked "what's up with all the couch pics?"

Vance is too stupid to kill him, he'd fuck it up for sure. Did you see him drop Ohio State's trophy the other day? The guy is a total fuck up. He'd end up putting the Iocaine Powder in his own tea.
Nah, it was someone in his entourage that did it.
- Did you see him drop Ohio State’s trophy the other day?
  Maybe he dropped the Pope?

Realistically, no, but I still think it should be said frequently with sincerity.

Probably sitting on a couch he found really attractive and got jealous.

Vance killed him because the Pope didn't own a suit

Death by cringe

Vance took off his human mask and showed the pope what a demon looks like.

Vance saw this sexy ass chair And he just had to fuck it. I had to get down and dirty with that fancy seat. The pope tried to get in his way.
- Are... Are you JD Vance?
  
  Nah... but I got sucked into the couch appreciation, white house signal chat last week

The Pope cried out “take me JC!”
Unfortunately his right hand man is a bit hard of hearing, and let JD into the room…
- Proceeds to hold his breath and die before loveseat gets the sideeye

Because the pope deadnamed him.
James Donald Bowman is a massive cuck and deserves to be reminded off his biological father for as long as people in the USA can't choose which gender they prefer.
- I wonder if his ID matches his summoning certificate. 🤔
  
  summoning certificate
  Is that not just saying the name three times in front of a mirror?

Pope met the antichrist and said I'm outta here.

I mean I don't think I know Vance killed him. See Trump can make stuff up why can't we.

To get a right wing replacement, duh.
- Eek! Use a spoiler tag, you scared the Bejesus out of me with that thing.

Probably not because the Pope didn't say thank you. Zelensky is still alive. He probably didn't say please as well.

If JD Vance was actually the antichrist/satan it's super funny we greeted his arrival by calling him a couch fucker.
- I wonder what couch fucker is in Latin... might make a great shirt

Sure didn't see this one coming, ironically. Before the pope had passed away I commented this on another post.
Bet the poor Pope couldn't even attend because in addition to his health issues he must have felt the evil pressure oozing from Vance.
Welp, poor Francis. He was a good one, and difficult to replace especially in these uncertain times.
The silver lining is that he really made his last big act in life to admonish Vance, and by extension the Trump admin, about their wrongdoing. He has my gratitude for that.

Same reason Liz Truss killed the Queen

JD got over excited by how the pontiff choose to couch his words.

The flu of America*

Because Biden is catholic

Talking to sex pest Jimmy Dilbert Vance is so exhausting it takes 10 years off your life, the Pope didn't have 10 years left.
- Ain't no way his middle name is Dilbert. The Pope probably died laughing when he heard.

He thought it was the seat of Catholic power and was driven to a frenzy.

The pope realized that no just or loving god would let that couch fucker anywhere near any position of power, so he offed himself out of depression.
- Plausible explanation.

As a vampire, he has to drink the blood of a pontif to remain a daywalker.
He should now sparkle in the sun for another...6-8 weeks before needing to feed again.
- Sparkling vice president was not on my political bingo card for this administration.

because the pope wouldn't give him his couch

I THOUGHT this was FAKE NEWS but I'm seeing it All Over Facebook so it MUST be True that JD Vance KILLED the Pope!
-Republicans who Do Their Own Research and STILL Love Trump!

Jealousy.

That pure malice that emanates from JankyDick is not recommended for anyone over the age of 80.