The Swastidumpster is the Most Reliable Car Ever Made.

CyberSuck.
- CyberStuck

Cyberbeast... Lmao. Anything to try and make your worst purchasing mistake sound cool.
- It is just the actual name for the most powerful version of the Cybertruck
  
  The fuck?

It’s a beast but it can’t even move.

You all love troubleshooting computer problems right? Well, we replaced everything in your car with computers so you can always be troubleshooting! Yay capitalism!
- "Hello, Tesla support? Have you tried getting out and getting back in again?"
  
  "I can't! It's on fire and the doors are locked!"
  
  Is it plugged in? Unplug it!
  In case you accidentally unplugged it while already plugged, do not unplug it a second time unless its before noon on a Tuesday.
- Well, if computers worked as well as this shit you wouldn’t be using it to work tomorrow with billions other people.
  Computerizing cars isn’t a bad idea in itself. Fuel injection, ABS, airbags and so mamy more features that make todays cars so much safer and less polluting all use computers to function. It’s just we live in an enshittification era.
  
  Screens aren't a bad idea either. Displaying diagnostic values or at least error messages is always preferred to just an LED or code on the odometer. Not everyone has OBD readers.
  Touchscreens, though? GTFO.

It does that right before it locks you in and catches on fire

Lol, why is this guy trying to talk directly to Elon? There has to be some other customer support option that would be more effective.
- There has to be some other customer support option that would be more effective.
  There is, it is called "get fucked, loser".

That's what you get for buying from a Nazi. #LeopardsAteMyFace
- This has nothing to do with face-eating leopards. He did not wish for other people to get their cars broken.

21 miles and screen absolutely covered in dust. These things must be sitting for ages and not selling. Not even a wipe down from the Tesla store.
- Why clean it when they will buy it either way. Might even think its cool how "rugged" it looks.

Cyberfuck?

It's waiting for its shipment of lemon-soaked paper napkins.

That screen is awfully dusty for a car you bought 10 minutes ago
- Well, it still does have a protective foil on it and very few finger traces in the dust.
  
  Still, the bottom corner of the film is peeling. Could have been sitting on a lot for a long time, but peeling like that after only a few test drives at most?
  Edit: I ended up digging into his Twitter page and everything is legit. And I'm baffled.
  Selfie:
  
  SMS conversation with Tesla support (LOL):
  
  Dropping it off:
  
  I'd expect the dealership to give it a quick detail before letting the customer drive away, even used car dealerships do that. But I guess when we're talking about Tesla all bets are off.

Ciphertruck.

Oh well, it sucks to be you, a Muskrat dick-sucker.

He...he can't help you. He's the nepo baby of people who owned blood mines. He doesn't actually know anything useful. Or care about you.
- He's also the grandson of a man who tried to overthrow democracy in Canada and was forced to flee.
  
  Why would they make him go to a red hot chili peppers concert for trying to overthrow democracy in Canada?
- Mentioning this on Twitter might bring it to his attention and since this is bad PR, he might expedite the complaint so that it gets fixed sooner. That's probably the thinking here. I've seen it happen with companies before
  
  More accurately, he'd ban you outright for daring to "lie" about his products having flaws

Oh no! Anyway…

Send it back to russia Rusich Group

Lmao, imagine a car not working because of a software bug. That's just pathetic.
- That's... Basically every car made in the last 15 years?
  
  The worst bug I had on my car had the onboard computer not starting, and the screen remaining black. It meant I had: no GPS, no music, no backup camera, and no parking sensor.
  But apart from that, the car was driving perfectly normal, and all the other features were working as expected.
  
  Depends on the car brand. Some kept their dependance on software quite low like Mazda. Some decided to take a risk with the software gods and tie their entire functionality to it while simultaneously laying off good workers and rehiring the lowest bidder.
  
  My 2017 mini hasn't had anything, even resembling that?
  
  My car is built in 2023 (2016 model) and has none of those "features". The most high tech thing is a USB port.
  
  Yes and?
- I'd be shocked if anyone who works in IT would buy one. Already full up on troubleshooting.
- This could be an ICCU failure, where the high voltage battery doesn't properly charge the 12V. I have an EV model that is known to have this issue (luckily I haven't had it happen). It can be caused by either hardware or software faults. Still pathetic though lol
  Edit: the cyber truck apparently doesn't have a 12V but rather a 48V system. I'm not sure if this same issue or a similar one is happening, or something else entirely.

I love that people think @elonmusk is a valid technical support approach
- Having worked customer support, @ing company leadership is a valid method to get escalated to the highest tiers of support

Elon deffo banned him 🤣🤣🤣
On a real tho bare people hating on Tesla once Elon got into politics, a lot of those people praising Tesla before that. EVs were always a shit idea in general, and he's been a fraud since day 1. There's more to life than just politics.
I guarantee you if he supported Obama's campain a lot of you sheep would still meatride Elon like all of Trump's cult members are.

Oops, did they accidentally do the remote self-destruction on a vehicle that was already sold?
- How the hell should I know?
  
  You did it again.

You just need to seig heil harder, bro

I know it’s fun to hate on the CyberTruck (absolutely has deserved it), but I’d bet money on this being a 12v battery issue, maybe from improper storage? Only reason I say this is that I have a Kia Soul EV and it gave me pretty much the exact same warning the other day and refused to start. Turned out the 12v battery was dead and that causes all kinds of weird stuff to happen to the electrical systems in the car. Especially considering that the entire electrical system of the CT is consolidated into one wiring harness.
Also, knowing Tesla, attempting to jump the 12v would probably void a warranty.
- The cybertruck is a 48v car with a lithium ion battery, not SLA. It's not as likely to have a problem like a 12v SLA sitting too long.
  It actually has 2 of them as well, altbough one is smallsr. Its a redundant back up for the steer by wire system in case 1 fails.
  
  Many EVs do have a 12V. I have a Hyundai Ioniq 6 and they are known to have ICCU failures which cause issues that look exactly like this.
  Edit: the cyber truck apparently doesn't have a 12V but rather a 48V system. I'm not sure if this same issue or a similar one is happening, or something else entirely.
  
  Most electric vehicles are required by law to lug around a standard 12V battery even though it's redundant to the 30-60kw battery pack powering th le rest of it. And they'll typically cheap out and go with a lead acid battery. On the upside they'll often wire the vehicle to keep the starter battery topped off so the car actually starts, so those starter batteries tend to last much longer than they do in ICE vehicles
- With modern cars having so many sensors, a dying battery can cause all sorts of weird, seemingly random issues. I have no idea it's the problem here but it's usually one of the first things I check when an issue isn't obvious. Just because the battery starts the car (or does whatever it does in evs) doesn't mean that the sensors, relays, and servos are getting the juice they need to operate correctly.

Swastidumpster doesn't really flow. We need alternatives for the cyberclunk. Anyone got suggestions?
- Some people use WankPanzer.
  
  Based on Grimes' tweet maybe the pegwagon?
- 'Deplorean' is my personal fav followed by 'Wankpanzer'
- Incel camino
  
  IncEl Camino
  glorious
  
  Oh I like this one.
- Cybersuck?
  
  Sorry, I meant names that acknowledge Elon's nazi adoration, like swasticar.
- I think SwastiCar works really well
  
  Yeah, but that applies to the brand as a whole.
- SyberSuck
  Or SS for short
- Heil Hauler
- "Let them drive cake" because the thing looks like a bad slice of cake and we all know where things are headed.
  
  Bonus double-entendre that what they're driving is ass.
- Hakenkruiser
- SwastiCuck

Put it in H!
- It’s running low on crab juice.
- 14 hectares on a single tank of kerosene
  
  S I N G L E
  T A N K
  O F
  K E R O S I N E

It is definitely a computer. Things just stop working for no obvious reason sometimes.
- Have you tried turning it off and on again?
  
  Literally says on the screen "Exiting and Reentering vehicle might restore operation." I hate the future.

"Your concern is closed." 😂

Cabin climate control system requires service.
Am I reading that right? Do you need a connection to an external service to turn on the air conditioning?
- I would definitely interpret that as in "needs to be serviced at a garage/dealer."
  
  Ah yes, that does make more sense, I'm a computer nerd so interpreted the wrong way. Still something's clearly gone horribly wrong here.

RIP bozo (the car)
- I mean the guy too, the first logo on his stupidly pretentious website on where he's been "featured" is fox news. Glad to see his car shut down on him straight off the lot
  
  But they're not resting in peace. They seem angry.

Yeah no this is sus. How is that screen so dusty when its a new car. I mean fuck tesla, their cars suck ass, but this doesnt make sense.
- Honestly I was with you, it was weird.
  I did some digging and found the tweet, he's a kool aid drinking tech bro and backed up his claim with a selfie and screenshots from speaking with their support center.
  Can chalk this one up to actually terrible products.
  
  Wow so they just ship a dusty product. Thats fucking hilarious. They cant even put up the facade of quality service.
- If you look closely at the second image, it looks like it still has the peelies on it. Those things are dust magnets.
  
  Those peelings are worn to shit. This truck did not come from the factory exactly
- https://www.theautopian.com/cybertrucks-are-piling-up-as-tesla-struggles-to-move-thousands-of-expensive-trucks/
- They aren't being cleaned? You think basic maintenance is happening on those trashcans?
- As with most electronics, the most likely times for failure are shortly after manufacture and years later after use. Failures in the middle are generally rare, hence the warranty.
  There are components where quality testing can only give a pass/fail so there's no way to know that it barely passed until it fails shortly after.
  This isn't unique to Tesla, or even EVs. This happens with nearly all electronics. Many things can be tested more thoroughly and have lower quality limits set above what's actually required, but some stuff just can't be tested like that ahead of time.
  And there's always just real life. They could have driven it home and parked near to a packrat who decided that a wiring harness looked like a good snack overnight. The car can't tell that a rat ate the wiring, it will just give generic errors for whatever isn't working right. Is that likely? No, but it is possible, and not something we would be able to tell from screenshots of the generic error screen telling the driver to schedule service.
  
  This happens with nearly all electronics.
  This happens to nearly all complex systems. It's called the Bathtub Curve: infant mortality at the beginning of an item's life, and after a relatively problem-free interval, a steady increase in problems that accelerates once it's past its planned-obsolescence point.
- The first image says the frunk is open. I’d imagine that would trigger a pull the fuck over message
  
  "Frunk is open. Pull the truck over and shut the trucking frunk"
  
  It's a button to open the frunk, not a message saying that it's open. There's another one for the tailgate on the right