They were lucky Aladdin was such a cool dude

Make every car moan when you start it

Have penis make very loud air raid siren alarm when slightly hard

Final wish: You can never leave the lamp again.

First wish: all humans turn blue for 24 hours after masturbating

Second wish: reverse all human digestive tracts so food goes into anus and excretion comes out of mouth, trump style

Third wish: reproductive organs are all non functional for reproduction specifically and humans mate by doing The Polka for 6 consecutive hours.

Love, Satan

Third kind of makes the first one pointless. Unless that is, you consider doing the Polka by yourself masturbation.
- You still feel horny urges, but baby can only be created via intense accordion action. It'd be a real blessing, the most effective form of contraceptive available.
- Notice how I said reproduction specifically. You could still pleasure yourself. and yes solo polka would also count as masturbation
- Do you masturbate to reproduce?
- Shit damn. I can't masturbate OR polka without turning blue? That really is diabolical.
Funnily enough, the third wish is actually one of the most positive things that can happen here.
Now people will fuck each other all day without having to worry about getting pregnant. No pills, no implants, no hormone. It's just good ol' pleasure now.
I'm blue, da ba dee da ba di

Final wish: Increase childhood cancer by 500%.

You sick fuck.
Take your up arrow.
Climate change solved?

1st wish: bring all insects together into one mega organism blob that slowly traverses the earth consuming anything it touches

Make bedbugs immune to insecticides.
Bedbugs now fly.
- Just a FYI, most bed bugs are immune to insecticides already.
  Tests and studies have shown that insecticides work as well as water for killing bed bugs. 25% kill rate and lowering each year.
  The best tool against bed bugs is heat (Steam cleaner) or Diatomaceous Earth.
- cancel update CANCEL UPDATE
So Nausicaä?
"All bugs are now the size of dogs."
- I think that just results in billions of dog sized bugs being dead no? Isn't it a lack of available oxygen in the air that keeps their size down?
  Granted, every flying insect becoming as large as a dog and plummeting to the Earth instantly would be fucking horrifying.
- All yards become massive piles of dead dogs erupting everywhere from the ground.
- "I'ma boutta singlehandedly bring the worldwide prices for gasoline and ammo up a cent."

Final wish, multiply every bank balance by 0.5

Would this one unintentionally help reduce wealth disparity?
- By a lot! It would also cut every overdrawn bank account by half :)
  Unfortunately it's just "bank balance", so actual debts outside of that wouldn't be touched.
- It would get worse. Cash reserves are for working class people; the rich mostly hold stocks which appreciate over time.
- To the power of 0.5 would be better
- Multiply bank balances by current balance/$1000000
Divide every bank balance by zero
That's just a fancy way of saying "cut in half".
- That’s just a fancy way of saying “halve.”

XKCD 2741 Alt Text: "I wish for everything in the world. All the people, money, trees, etc." "Are you SURE you--" "And I want you to put it in my house."

Third wish: raise avg world temp by 5C.

How do we know that's not what happened to Trump?

He would have lost focus babbling halfway through his first wish and never reached a coherent request.

Give everyone tastebuds in their anus.

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What if I put my tastebuds in someone else’s anus?
- It's 2023. Have you not done that yet?
- I call that an average Saturday night
Of course I know the taste buds in my colon (TBIMC) can never be cured, but my doctor told me that with proper diet and excercise and Poisantin, my TBIMC could be monitored, putting me in control of the size and sensitivity of the taste buds in my colon.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hjX2KT7AMY

Accelerationism intensifies.

Third wish: we hit 2 degrees ten years ahead of schedule