Do you have kids? Do you want to have kids? Did you regret having / not having kids?
I am of the age to have kids, some of my friends have them, but I have mixed feelings about it, just wondering about other people's experiences.
I have them, they are great. Here are a few obvious things I’ve learned that I didn’t appreciate beforehand:
The complexity of the endeavor rises exponentially with the number of kids. That is to say, 3 is a much bigger leap from 2 than 2 was from 1.
They get dramatically more expensive and complicated as they get older. All that exhausting baby activity is the easy part. As you start to figure out how to do it, the rules shift and you have to get learning again.
I never imagined how much of adult life as a parent revolves around the literal management of shit. Between kids, pets, and aging parents, I just never expected to be so preoccupied with the logistics of excrement. I guess I was living in some kind of Disneyland in the before times. You sort of get used to it though. Sort of.
Such a wise and thoughtful answer 😊👍
No and no. I don't think I'd want to subject my kids to where the world is headed. Also, too much of a long-term commitment that would significantly reduce my opportunities to do what I want, travel etc.
Those are both among the main arguments I have against having any.
As to the latter, I'm roughly satisfied in the department of things that kids would preclude.
As to the former, that's part of the reason I want kids. I care about the people who will live in the future. I want a better life for them.
I can do what I can to improve the world in my life, but someone needs to carry the torch. Kids are an opportunity to teach some subset of the future population my values. I want to learn from my parents' mistakes and my own life to make better kids that become better parents, who make better kids who become better parents, so on and so forth ad infinitum.
The intro to Idiocracy can be generalized: the world will be populated by the children of those who have children. If only the worst people reproduce, the future will be worse. Unless the ethical people reproduce and pass on their values, those values will die out. If we want the future to be better, we have to have kids, teach them to be better, and teach them to teach their kids to be better.
As for the travel argument, kids are so much fun to travel with! Experiencing new places through a child's eyes!? They ask some great questions, and you get to hone in your own opinions as you decide the best way to explain life to them. Travel is the best way to raise tolerant and knowledgeable children. If you're concerned about more... hedonistic travel just realize that you only get 18 to 20 years with them in your daily life, those designations will still be there. If you're afraid that's a long time then you likely haven't had your 20th high school reunion yet.
I would love to have kids. It seems like my biggest wish in the world. People keep telling me that having children was the most beautiful thing that happened to them. Still no baby after 9 fertility treatments, only a couple of miscarriages. I am 40 now and I have almost no time left. I feel broken by Al the treatments. Lost my work. Adoption is impossible in my country.
I would love to know how other people learn to live with this feeling.
I've got a few friends in similar situations.
Thank you! It is good to know what others have been doing and how they have been dealing with it. Adoption in my country is not possible, unfortunately. I am probably not allowed to be a foster mom, as I have CPTSD. They are extremely strict with that here. Although there might be a very small chance that they will accept me if I can get a letter from my psychologist that I am stable and if I do well on all the tests. I am not counting on it though.
Maybe traveling or something like that would be nice sometime in the future. It is good to hear that they are still happy. That gives a bit of hope.
7 years of trying for us. Still no luck. Doctors haven't been able to tell us why. It's rough some days. But one way we cope is to try to be the best aunt & uncle possible to our nieces.
Yes, that helps for me too! I have the cutest nephew who I see once a week and sometimes he sleeps over. In some cases it hurts, because it feels very empty when he leaves, but overall I am very happy to have at least him.
why adoption is impossible?
In my country adoption from other countries is impossible as there have been several cases in which children were taken away from the parents illegally. They cannot check for that informing countries, so now adoption is not allowed anymore. Adoption within my country also is almost impossible. It is believed that children are best off with the biological parents. If they cannot live there, everything is focused on creating better circumstances so they can go back. The goal for children who cannot live at home is always to go back to the biological parents, so adoption almost never happens.
There is foster care and in soms cases children are in foster care for a very long time. Although the idea is still to get them back with the biological parents once the situation is safe, in practice that might not happen. You can just never be certain about that. However, I was abused by my parents and I got CPTSD from that. While my psychologist believes I would be able to be a foster mom, maybe even better because my experiences allow me to understand these children better, it is a really big obstacle to becoming one. The foster care organisations in general believe that if you have trauma in your past that you are not well-suited to take care of a child. They already told me it is not impossible for me to be a foster mom, but not to count on it because of the CPTSD.
Is surrogacy an option? We're a same-sex couple, so we are in a similar boat.
The problem has likely to do with the quality of my egg cells. They are not certain about this, but it is the most likely explanation. This means that surrogacy would not solve that problem. An egg cell donation might. However, in my country it is quite difficult to have access to that. There are large sperms banks, but not large banks for egg cells. So, we would need to find someone in our environment to donate an egg cell to me.
Are you a male or female couple (biologically I mean for making the child)? What happens here is that there are some women who do not have a partner, but still want a child. They often get a child together with a male gay couple and they raise the child with the three of them. I think government is even working on it to be possible for a child to have three parents legally. This is how my uncles got their twins. I am not sure whether this works the same with female couples. I see them often at the fertility treatment center, so I believe that they probably use the sperm bank.
Mid 30s here. When i was younger i never wanted kids. I would always tell my parents i never wanted any as well. Fast forward about 15-20 years, people would tell me im great with kids and i should have some. The problem with this is that i am great with kids for about 2-3 hours and then im like...get this thing away from me. People have also told me that its different when they are your own.
Well one day i booked an appointment to get a vasectomy and havent looked back yet. I also got married to someone who shares the same feelings as me towards having no kids. Life is great and havent thought of any regrets.
People have told me that I'm good with kids too. But here's the thing...it's actually super easy to give a child attention and follow them around for several hours. I'm not sure why people praise me for it. I guess because some people don't care enough to give the kids the time of day or something?
But the not easy part is the taking care of them eternally thing. Parenting through meltdowns...always being there 24/7/365 with no breaks...having to always feed and clean them...etc. The list goes on.
I know it's dark to say, but one of the things I fear I'd do is end up with one of those parents who is driven crazy and inadvertently kills their child from shaken baby syndrome.
No to all. I get to spend all my time and money with my wife. We can travel, watch concerts, and do any activity without having to worry about babysitting, getting home early, etc.
Has anyone close to you told you that you should have kids?
There’s definitely some talk on my wife’s side of the family, since her extended family has tons of kids, so they just expect anyone who gets married to have kids. We just tune it out. It also helps that we moved away so they can’t really bother much. My side doesn’t really care, or at least doesn’t care enough to ask or talk about it.
I have to daughters, and my personal experience has been overwhelmingly positive.
By that I do NOT mean that it's convenient - it absolutely is not. It's stressful, and all hedonistic pleasures go down the drain for a period of time. But they give my life meaning in a way few other things can.
I have kids, I love them but I regret having kids with my toxic wife
I’m sorry :/
So my wife and I are child-free by choice. I'm in a rare position that I wind up speaking to many people in-depth about their lives, and the folks who have children talk about raising their kids all the time.
If I'm honest, many, many days I think "the moral of the story here is do not have kids, foks".
That's not to say that it's all bad for everyone, but it is very bad for a lot of people. Essentially, their lives become exclusively about managing their children's problems. Everyone thinks their children will be well mannered, sweet and thoughtful little guys who will fill their hearts with joy and purpose. The reality is many children are little nightmares with behavior problems that don't seem to improve no matter how much work they put into seeing child psychologists and play therapists- every single day they spend 3-4 hours trying to calm their kid down as they fly into an uncontrollable rage, overturning tables and swinging their arms as hard as they can at the care givers and their parents. They want to help their kids learn how to control their feelings but they can't. It's really sad. The parents live in hell a little, every hour of the day is spent trying to manage their screaming, raging child.
I will also tell you that many people have tried to convince me over the years that we should have children. Family members, neighbors, co-workers.. I also once had a neighbor (who's kids were little terrors, I once saw one take a swing at his face because he was being punished, and they also once threw BIG rocks over the wall separating our properties without seeing where they'd land) say to me: "You just get to do whatever you want, don't you?" when I was getting in the car to leave to go work remotely out in the countryside for a week.
My point is people don't often tell you how hard it can be, most people lie and say that it's great. At least half a dozen times I've had parents say "now I don't wish that my child was gone or would never have been born as such, but I do often long for a life where I didn't have to take care of them all the time". Like they DO wish they never had kids, but they have to be careful to say they don't want their child to disappear because its too dark of a thing to say.
Yeah, whenever people describe what it's like to have children or whenever I happen to observe it for myself, it looks like literal hell on earth. People try to choose their words carefully to not say how miserable they are, but I can see it. You can't even sleep anymore. Sleep deprivation is literally a torture technique.
And I mean...I get that some people have to have kids in order for the human race to continue to exist. And I'm glad my parents had me and that I got to experience life. But I just don't know that I could do that myself. I don't think that I could selflessly endure torture every day for years and years just to try to help another human being survive. I would like to think that I am a giving person, but not to that degree.
Eh, I've got five kids and they run the gamut from incredibly cool to assholes. One is pretty accomplished professionally and made sure to find ways for both her dad and me (step-dad) in her wedding. Another went no contact over the divorce/remarriage of her mom. Another has struggled with addiction and mental health, but has overcome the former at least and recently graduated and is working as a nurse. The last two are still at home and one has emotional issues and some autism and weaponized incompetence, the other is hard working and responsible and has drive balanced with emotional maturity (though hormones are kicking in so...)
In my opinion, there is too much emphasis on being perfect parents and having perfect kids leading perfect lives. We love them all and make sure they know it. We try to set healthy boundaries and allow them the same. But at the end of the day, they are people and they are going to struggle and much of that is out of our control beyond being here with advice and help in times of crisis.
And even the assholes are pretty cool in their own right. Not fun to parent, but still people who I think are great to have in your life.
I do occasionally lament the path not taken, but if I didn't have kids this would be the path I lament. (Probably just a smaller house and nicer vacations.)
I'm not trying to convince you, but I want to put in a word as a parent of assholes who sometimes daydreams about where my life might be without kids. It was a good decision for me. And if I didn't have them to be accountable to, my depression might well have gotten hold of me in a moment of weakness and I wouldn't be here to write this. My kids don't make me happy (well, sometimes) and it's not their job to, but I'm very glad I had them.
Thats all fair. I wrote what I wrote for OP, though, and I'm truly confident my wife and I made the right choice for us. I've also never felt babies or toddlers were cute. Yesterday, I went shopping for dress shoes, and there was a family there with a kid who was maybe 7, and he flopped down on a bench and shouted "PHONE" and his father handed him his iphone so the kid could watch youtube videos.
We're going to Tenerife for 10 days in a week or so, and we're looking at a 2 berth campervan to shoot off around Ireland in as well. l also just booked 5 days going to Valencia, Spain and then up to Barcelona by train to see my favorite band, Bad Religion play a show in both of those cities. I have a full time(ish) job that I actually like and also have time to try to make money doing my creative things, which is actually growing year on year.
I am also very aware of overpopulation. The planet has twice as many people now as it did in the 70s. It cannot endure continued human expansion when everyone wants their own house and car and swimming pools.
Early 30s and no, I won't have kids for many reasons, those are my top 5:
Early 30s and no.
I'm not even sure if I want to live. Forcing existence on someone else seems a cruel thing to do.
That's fair.
Only have children if you are ready to give up your own comfort and freedom to provide an environment for them that they deserve and will thrive in. I have 3 kids and knew that it was a huge commitment, but that still won't prepare you for exactly what that means. You wake up when your child wakes up, regardless of how much sleep you've had or if you stayed up late to have some hard-to-find personal time with your significant other or alone. Children crave attention and deserve to have a locked-in parent so when they are awake, scrolling on social media or watching your TV show instead of interacting with your kid playing on the floor is a disservice to them. Some of your closest friends before children are often not compatible with the vision you have for your family and it requires you to cut some people out of your life that you honestly valued before you were responsible for the development of another human. There are many sacrifices that really shocked my system to get accustomed to, but it has been worth the trouble. Just remember that they come first above your comfort and wishes because they didn't ask to be here and your choice to bring them into this world means that your are responsible for creating an environment for them to feel safe and loved.
Have kids. The only regret is the world we brought them into. Wouldn’t trade them for anything. But we have many fears about their future. We still thought the world could be saved with recycling and buying efficient cars. Dubya was an anomaly. Things would return to their boring 1990’s progression. Not anymore.
Climate change is essentially unstoppable at this point, the only choices are how bad it will be. Politics globally seem to be shifting to right wing populism, nationalism, fascism. Good luck if your kids aren’t straight, white males. Economically the system stopped making sense. Worthless companies worth billions. Billionaires with private space programs. A new gilded age with widening disparity. Companies literally paying homage to the new “king” hoping for some kind of investiture or favor.
E: point being the world is pointed in an objectively worse direction.
I have a kid. My wife wanted one but I didn't, and I agreed because I didn't want to lose her.
I love my kid, but to call it a huge lifestyle change is a monumental understatement. I'm happy with my life, but it could have gone the other way, and that wouldn't have been fair to anyone. There are certainly a lot of things I miss from before, but I couldn't go back now.
Don't let anyone else convince you to have a kid, and don't let anyone, including yourself, convince your spouse. This really needs to be something you want for yourself, or there is a good chance you'll end up miserable and your child will grow up in a broken home.
If you can't make to your mind before your age make it too risky for your comfort, then just understand that you have made a decision, and you'll need to come to terms with that, should it come to pass.
It's such a huge and personal decision. You shouldn't really make a decision based on how other people describe their experience. I saw this on reddit ages ago and this is is probably the single best summary of the experience I've seen.
I can describe my experience, but you need to understand people's biases. My bias is that I always liked kids. I enjoyed playing with nephews and nieces. I now work with children and have 2 of my own kids. The decision for children doesn't come about in a vacuum. I had a wife who wanted kids too. I had a stable job and felt ready. Even then I had no idea what I was in for. Kids put major demands on your time, money, energy, patience and marriage. I have one child which some might call "a difficult child" and one who is very demanding (as expected for a "normal" child). This is definitely life on hard-mode. Children really force you to face your own issues and get over yourself. It has been great for me. I wouldn't change a thing about my "difficult" children. Giving them a good life and catering to their needs is an undescribable satisfaction and fulfilment in itself. I'm learning more than I'm teaching them. I wish work didn't take so much of my time and energy so I had more for them. I asked my wife if she wanted to work full-time, because I would happily stay at home or work part-time and spend more time with the kids. I can't get enough of my kids and the time you get at each stage of their life flies by in an instant.
That's starkly in contrast that with large proportions of Lemmy (and Reddit) which have quite vocal child-free populations with a very individualist ideology. Everyone's circumstances and biases are different.
Edit: People also tend to be more open about defending their current position rather than expressing regret (i.e. had children and hated it, or didn't have children and regretted it); both of these populations exist and tend to be quieter because of social stigma.
In this economy???!
People had children in conditions way worse than this. Children and their parents used to suffer and die all the time. Yet they are the expression of hope and confidence in our species. And while I agree that it's not looking great for us, I refuse to give up, roll on my back and wait to go extinct in an aging, dying world.
Honestly I’m not sure I’d recommend it. It’s really hard and it completely changing everything: life, marriage, work life balance, sleep, stress, etc.
I wouldn’t change having one but it was not made clear to me how unbelievably hard it is.
If you’re in a culture where you parents actually help it’s more doable. Assuming you’re a westerner then it’s hard.
Fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuck no.
Never mind my genetic heart defect I don't want to risk passing down, my niece and nephew are a handful enough as it is when I watch them for a weekend.
My wife and I have two sons, and it’s an obscene amount of work, but there’s nothing better than the simple joy of seeing them excel at something they love, or seeing their pride at a success.
You’re giving up proper sleep for a decade, and you’re forever ceding your ability to not worry about another person’s wellbeing, but on the whole it’s worth it.
The early years are punishing, there’s no way around it, but it gets easier as they get older.
I'm female. Hell. Fucking no. Pregnancy and childbirth sound awful and I have zero interest in babies, children, or taking care of something that might grow to hate me. Too much societal stereotypical expectation as the mom. I understand today parenting is a lot more fair and equal but I would still be giving up my body and time for feeding, among other things.
But I've genuinely had to ask myself if I was a male? Would I want kids... I think one of the biggest turn offs is literally the female pregnancy/birth part. If I didn't have to carry and give birth to a child? Maybe?
I understand adoption would still be a thing but I still think as a female I'd carry responsibility that I don't want.
I've never had a desire to be around kids or babies and the screaming and crying sets me off when I'm in the vicinity. Then the teenage mood swings? I can't fathom.
Overall I'm a hard no.
I have no idea why why any woman would want to get pregnant. It looks like an absolute terrible experience all around, and that's not even accounting for the safety risks and the long term health reprocustions.
Some women say they enjoy it which I cannot really fathom. I did not care for it. As for why the woman would want to get pregnant though.. I mean that's about having a kid, not about being pregnant, isn't it?
And also not to be crass, but haven't you ever had sex that's so good in that moment you and your body genuinely want to get pregnant?
My wife hated being pregnant. It was the worst time in her life. But once the baby was there, hormones kicked in and all that pregnancy shit was instantly forgotten. Crazy how that works. She would never recommend pregnancy to anyone ever. She also hates how pregnancy is over-romanticized.
But she does recommend kids if you're willing to commit a large portion of your adult life to be centered around the kid. If helps to live in a country where parents get many benefits like up to 3 years of parental leave, additional vacation days etc. We, as the parents, are having the best time of our lives. It was a difficult decision back then, and it took me until I turned 33 to finally decide to have a kid.
I have a 7yo son and I do not regret having him at all.
I became a father pretty late in life, so I did all the traveling and partying I could before. Everybody around me started having kids anyway, and less friends where available when we were making plans.
Sure, life changes drastically when you have a child, but with a family of my own I now feel more rooted in life. It's a quality of it's own.
It was a nice time before, and I sure miss being able to decide more independently how to spend my time. But our family is a team with common interests and we enjoy spending time together.
As my son starts to be more independent himself, we now start following our own plans again one bit at a time. It is definitely a give and take scenario, but we three get a lot from it 😊.
Edit: More words to make things clearer.
If you don't mind me asking, how old were you when you became a father? I'm 37, my dad was 45 when he had me. If I do end up having kids I damn sure do not feel ready.
I was 44. It was not a rational decision to wait so long, I just didn't have the right relationship before.
In my experience it only gets harder the older you get (if I were in my 20s when I got my first kid it would have been easier to handle, except I was studying then...), and you will never really be ready for all the needs of a baby, it's something you have to learn step by step.
That said when you first have them it's a great experience being a parent.
I've got a lot of reasons: climate, personal finance, america (country where I live) seems a little unwell, mental health, lack of commitment (I think one should be pretty sure and I'm not).
Came close once with a relationship where my partner changed their mind and wanted kids and tried to convince me for a year. We parted ways over it.
Got a vasectomy last year. If I want them later on I'll adopt or foster.
I wake up to a quiet, clean house every day. Not having kids is the best.
Never liked kids, never liked the idea of having kids. I have a miniscule noise tolerance, and being around them for just a few hours completely exhausts my social batteries.
After meeting my nieces I need a full day to recover, so I wouldn't expose myself to the same thing at home on a near constant basis, plus I love the freedom to be as spontaneous as I want to be.
Got sterilized in my 20s, now I'm in my 40s. Zero regrets, best decision of my life.
I didn't want kids for the longest time. Then I met my husband and wanted to make a family. We were fortunate to have two lovely girls (after three unfortunate miscarriages). Actually, I think it was after the first miscarriage that my desire for a baby was truly solidified.
Life is chaotic and busy and expensive but I wouldn't trade it for life before kids.
I have a daughter. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. Sounds corny as fuck, but it's true. I don't regret a thing. The first 3 years are tough, but also super cute. After that it's a freaking miracle on 2 legs. Sometimes I think we should have had a second child shortly after but we already put in so much energy to set her up for life. I don't think we could have extended that for another child. Turns out she's neurodivergent, just like me. It takes a bit more effort raising someone like that, but it's totally worth it.
I bet there are people here fuming at my post already because of climate change and whatnot. I believe humanity has faced way worse and yet we're still here. If there is a meaning to life, it is going to be survival. Can't survive without procreation.
We wanted kids, tried to have kids, but things never seemed to work out. So I went to see my doctor and they ran some tests. First test we found I had no sperm, so they did more tests, turns out I barely have any testosterone at all, but absolutely tons of estrogen. More tests, this time a genetic one. Turns out I have kleinfelter syndrome, which if caught early enough there are things that can be done. But at my age that boat has long since sailed.
It's been an interesting couple of years. I started TRT injections at the beginning of the year. And my life has taken a complete 180, turns out you really need testosterone for alot of things. And your body reacts kinda funny without it.
Adoption seems our only choice, but she doesn't want a kid if it's not hers. So... Yea
That makes me wonder, how did it influence your life? Ive never heard of what a lack of testosterone can do
Well the main thing it did to me was give me crippling depression. No one over the course of my life could ever figure out why I was depressed. "It runs in the family" was the excuse. My depression disappeared after the first injection. Everyday of my life I felt like there was a force pushing down on me, and then shortly after my shot it went away and it took me awhile to realize it was gone. That was a good day.
I couldn't lose weight no matter what I did, spent thousands on personal training over the years but I could never gain muscle, or lose the weight I gained. I was a 58 waist in Feb, and I'm currently down to 44 in not even a year. Last time I went to the big and tall store they said they've seen me enough this year and we switched to elastic waist pants and a stretch belt so I don't keep having to buy clothes every 3 months.
I never had any body hair. I would have to shave once a week before. I have hair everywhere now and it's weird.
Lots of other things, zero libido. I was dating my wife and she got exasperated about my disinterest in sex, it was a chore for me. I'd be the one coming up with excuses not to have sex.
I'm a yes on kids and no regrets on having them. But I have a few comments on it.
And this is important to me but apparently not so much to others, but we are well onto the area of unsolicited advice and I'm rambling now so I'm just gonna say it: you have one job, you're raising adults. Make them cable, functioning adults but even more so do everything you can to make sure they make it to adulthood in good shape! Teeth get brushed twice a day, every day, no exceptions. Put them in a car seat every single time, don't be that parent driving their preschooler around with no car seat. The recommendations for what age to use car seats until are probably a lot older age than you're expected, do some reading. (also no kids under 12 in the front seat if there's an air bag). Watch them properly near water. Driveways are not playing areas. If you live near an ozone hole like I do then it's important to know that one bad sunburn as a kid can be a death sentence when they are older.
A shitload of kids never grow up for completely preventable reasons. One. Job. If you're gonna do it, make sure you take it seriously.
Also we live in different times. Google the shit out of any question you have. You can use incognito for the really stupid ones but still Google them if you aren't sure and it might be important.
Yes this rant was brought to you by some horrifying things I've seen.
As a person who is considering to have kids in the near future: Thanks for the insight :) Could you recommend books to read? I already got some (hopefully) good recommondations on sleep related books, but I guess this phase is over in a blink and new challenges will arrive.
Save Our Sleep is the book you want, bear in mind all kids are different, the book covers that
It won't feel like a blink at the time 😆. Oh god those early months are hard, though as many people will say it doesn't get less hard just hard in different ways (terrible twos, threenagers, fucking fours). My books got refined to the kids, and it's been a few years now, but I seem to recall "how to talk so little kids will listen" is a good entry point. This is for ages 2-7 because it's around the tantrum starting age (2ish). There's a much older and much more famous book called "how to talk so kids will listen", it's also good but I'm not sure if you get much more if you've read the "little kids" version (which was written by the daughter of the original book). The newer one also feels more modern. I might revisit the older one when I reach teenage years (which I'm told start at 9 or earlier 😅).
I seem to also remember liking one called Playful Parenting, which is written by a child psychologist that specialises in play therapy. There's also a follow up book called The Art of Roughhousing that was written after he emphasised in Playful Parenting the important of roughhousing and people didn't know how. Literally just pages of cool things to do at each age (think of Bluey and Bingo mountain climbing - you might not (yet) know what I mean but I know plenty of childless/free adults that love watching bluey).
A bit older, The Explosive Child, which is probably around age 5 or 6. It's about kids who have trouble regulating emotion, and strategies - often this is ADHD. This one made the list due to our specific kids. Maybe they have books to help parents of kids who do what they are asked and behave all the time, but such a book wouldn't be useful to me 🥴
I also recall The Whole Brain Child was good, but I can't recall what it was about. That might be a more general one, a good starting point for someone a little while away from tantrums.
A couple I still have on my list are Raising Good Humans and The Book you Wish your Parents had Read. I have started on the latter and not yet sure if it's going to click with me. Lots of focus on mindfulness, and on journaling about how you were raised and feelings that come up and so on - the intent seems to be to be more in control in the moment and less "yelly". I'm not too far in though.
Oh another is The Gardner and the Carpenter. If I remember right this one emphasised that you are not a carpenter, sculpting your child into what you want them to be, but rather you are more like a gardener, there to pull the weeds out but letting your child grow to be themself. I can't remember much more than that.
I seem to recall most of the books were more practically useful from ages 2 onwards, but I still found it helpful to read a few books in advance of this just to work out what sort of parent I was trying to be.
I've listed a few, I think a good approach is to start a list. Write down the books, subscribe to parenting communties, and pick one that seems like a good starting point. Then as others recommend books, you can add them to your list. If you see the same ones come up multiple times then bump them up the list to be read sooner.
I'm not one of those people who loves being a parent. You know the kind, the mom who loves having all the kids in the neighborhood over and cleans every mess with a big smile. I have two kids and they often drive me crazy. But I never regret having them.
They constantly fight with each other, whine that this or that is unfair, refuse to listen exactly when you're in rush to get them to school, leave the entire house in a mess and in general manage to find new and inventive ways to make your day that little bit more challenging.
But they're the sweetest and most wonderful thing to have happened to me at the same time. I love everything about them and couldn't imagine my life without them. Even my eldest son, who is hitting puberty and can reach maximum sarcasm with even the smallest of expressions, shows so much care and affection when it comes down to it. I could go on and on about how wonderful they are, but I think you get the idea :)
The thing is though, as others have said, parenthood is a major investment of your time and energy. Your life will never be the same again, ever. So if you do decide to become a parent, accept your fate and make the best of it. Those wonderful child-free years are gone and will never come back again.
I don't mean to sound very gloomy about it, but it's just an inescapable fact if you want to try and be a good parent.
One thing that helped for me though, is find someone in a likewise position and share your burdens. I have a friend at work who has two kids of about the same age, and she goes through the same struggles as me. We always complain about our kids to each other, knowing that it's just something you need to get off your chest once in a while. It's usually about small stuff like a daughter exploding in the morning because she can't find her pencil case, or some other minor drama. Our other coworkers always think that we hate being parents, and joke that our stories are probably responsible for a large part of the birth decline :)
But it feels so good to know that you're not the only one struggling. So many parents like to put up this facade of being a perfect family, and it can make you feel like you're doing something wrong. But everyone has struggles, it doesn't make you a bad parent.
Sorry, I'm getting a bit off topic. It's just that I have a lot of feelings about it, and it's not always been easy. And if you decide to be a parent, it won't be easy for you either. But if you're willing to put in the effort, it'll be worth it in the end. Just make sure you have someone to talk to, and don't be too hard on yourself.
no kids, do not want kids. I can hear the feral beast within my soul howling for mortal progeny to raise, but you can actually just set that to mute. its really easy
I can't reach the mute button, managed to get the volume just low enough I can only hear it in the quiet times.
I've taken care of various small animals my whole life; the next logical thing would be a kid. Or a horse.
Horse'd be cheaper, I reckon. And I can't afford that, so no way could I afford a kid.
Horses ain't cheap, those things break all the time. Friend of my sister got herself one, and pays more in vet bills than my sister on her mortgage.
I’m sterile so I couldn’t even if I wanted to. Which I don’t. My country is in a piss-poor state right now and my hypothetical child would be raised in suffering and poverty.
The paradox is that poor and suffering countries often have higher birth rates.
I don't and I don't plan to. It's however too soon to tell wether I'll regret that or not. Time will tell.
I can see the appeal of having kids but my current lifestyle is that I do what I want when ever I want and I don't really plan things ahead. I don't want to take the risk of having kids and then having to dramatically change my lifestyle only to realize it's not what I wanted and now I can no longer go back. I think that to have kids you have to want it. Now I just feel like it's something that's expected of me and I don't think that's a good reason to go ahead with it.
I do not have kids.
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I do not want kids.
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I do not regret it.
To be fair, I get the perspective makes sense from a biological/evolutionary perspective. But if I had to understand intuitively or from how I feel, I don't get why anyone would want kids.
I do not have kids. I do not want kids. I do not regret it.
Would you like them in a house? Would you like them with a mouse?
I always thought I'd make a better uncle than a father. Time has proven me right.
No kids, no regrets, at 34. Life is already stressful enough with instability around housing and long-term career prospects (what with AI affecting jobs and such). With kids in the picture, I feel like that anxiety would just be ten times worse.
No, no and no. I just have no desire, and I find my life so much easier without them. I have nieces and nephews and children of friends who I love and am happy to engage with, but also happy that I am not responsible for them.
I have one child, now adult, who reminds me every day that she didn’t ask to be born and wishes she hadn’t been. It’s hard to explain to someone without the life experience of it all but I couldn’t have known how shit the world was about to get when she was born (summer 2001) so it seemed like a good idea at the time. Every single day of her life has been hard both for her and us in various ways. And I wish the world was gentler for her.
Suffice to say, I can’t believe there are any people actively trying to bring new people in to the world right now. Shit has been bleak as fuck for decades and it gets worse every day. Even the new plague didn’t help. I feel bad enough knowing the world she was introduced to is so terrible but I didn’t know it was going to be. But now? Guys it’s actually very bad, how could you present this to a new innocent person like,”here’s life! Enjoy!” Pass.
Probably people who don't actually think about stuff like that.
One of the most stressful things about having kids is that it forces you to never un-know stuff like that.
As someone in her early twenties, I am not a mom yet, but it has been on everyone's mind. Me and my six older siblings (five older sisters and one FtM brother) are Pacific Islanders adopted by Indian Islanders and so it seems to have been inevitable for children to be on everyone's mind, especially as my older siblings all are themselves foster parents. I could come as close as comfortably possible to it, but I don't have confidence in the idea of being a mom, not just because I don't think I could handle childbirth (if I chose not to adopt) but because I fear failing due to what I might mess up or not provide.
I sort of thought that I didn't want kids even though I was married and finances would not be a problem. And then I had a kid, and it is the greatest thing that ever happened to me in my entire life.
No, I haven't achieved my dreams yet (only 24) and yeah I want kids. I always dream about playing some epic games with my kids or teaching them generally.
Passing down knowledge and raising a (hopefully) good person are among my main reasons for having kids.
I do want kids. I'm getting up there in age though, and I've been single for a while. The man I thought I'd be having kids with turned out not to be the right one, and dating is hard now
I think I'll be very sad if I end up without any kids, but I'm not willing to have them with just anyone.
Got 2 boys. Love ‘em. It’s a lot of responsibility. You worry a ton when they get scarlet fever or break an arm (real examples in our lives). You’re busy AF trying to ensure normal order. It’s expensive. It can be difficult if a child is strong-willed.
But really, these 2 lives give my life its true meaning. I have high hopes for these boys. I’m only in my mid forties, but already think about grandkids.
nope, not now or in the future, no.
58 and without kids, no regrets so far
I do not have kids. I fiercely disprove of the idea of havnig kids without having a person to have those kids with.
I finally met somebody I would probably have them with.
But shes already past menopause, so it's not going to happen.
And that's cool, we're DINKY-ing it out.
I do not have kids. I got sterilized (had my fallopian tubes removed) in my mid 30s. I never really felt the urge to have them, and the idea of having them became more and more of an icky thought. I am a sleepy person who wakes up at noon on weekends. I'm messy and forget the laundry in the machine. I'm self centered and like to spend what I earn on me, or choose when I feel like gifting and giving to others. I'm picky, I like to find things exactly how I left them, and I don't like sharing with people who aren't my husband. I'm not a bad person, I just understand my behaviors and realize that I don't really have a responsibility to change as long as I'm child free. Add to that the fact that I have so many hobbies, a close knit group of friends, and a bunch of pets - I never feel bored or lonely and I know it'll only get better with age. Kids just never factored in.
I have kids and love it. There is 100% more trampoline in my life because of them. Mine are both autistic and have quirky interests which we've leaned into (visited the fan museum, attended the international carwash convention, and have spent countless hours at home depot, etc), so that's a little bit of a bonus. I have friends who don't have kids and are equally as happy. You just gotta choose the right path for you.
🤔 i like the idea of kids, but i am worried that I'll accidentally pass down all my traumas to them by trying hard to avoid it.
Also, i have voiced this before many times and i always get told "that just means you'll be a great dad," or "you know what not to do so it'll be fiiiine."
Idk. I can be convinced, for sure, but right now i think it's not the best idea for me to have them.
There are no guarantees but it’s a great first step to be aware of things you want to avoid. Good luck either way
Thanks, friend. We shall see what the future holds.
No, no, no.
As you seem curious about the opinion of others I suggest reading research literature on the topic as it is probably better structured than a list of anecdotes from complete strangers. That being said in here at least you can dig deeper by asking questions back.
Anyway there is a field called the science of happiness that aggregates research in psychology, cognitive science, behavior science, economy, political economy, etc on what makes most people happy. Within this there are papers on relationships, family and raising kids. I warmly suggest reading on the topic. Last time I did read on it, which was a bit more than 5 years ago, one could roughly summarize that raising children brings for most people higher highs and lower lows. If your kid brings you a beautiful drawing from school, no matter how "ugly" it might look, you will be so proud it will brighten your day. On the other hand if they break their leg while cycling, you will feel even worst that if you broke your own leg. So... on average people feel about as happy with and without kids BUT the way they feel can be more intense.
I warmly recommend https://ggsc.berkeley.edu/ and https://www.drlauriesantos.com/happiness-lab-with-dr-laurie-santos-podcast to discover more on the topic. Specifically in your case https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/parenting_family
I’m a stepdad, so I chose this life and this kid. Their bio dad is pretty awful; the mental abuse has really messed this kid up in some ways. I’m glad to be a part of their life and show them they’re worthy of being loved (mom is great, but feeling rejected by dad will still do a number on just about anyone).
I wouldn’t want to have another kid now. If I’d been in the picture when the kid was a lot younger I think I would’ve wanted them to have a sibling; I think in general that’s pretty great to have (of course, situations vary). But now in our 40s and with this kid so close to finishing high school we definitely don’t want to start over. Plus we’ve learned my wife and her kid have a genetic condition for a chronic illness that can make life a lot harder, and it seems to be getting worse with every generation, so we wouldn’t want to risk passing it on.
When I was younger I was sure I didn’t want kids. As I got older I realized if I was with the right partner and they wanted kids then I’d be happy to try for them. I feel like having the right partner is key. It’s certainly possible to do a good job as a single parent, but with the right partner it’s a lot easier, or at least less challenging. If you’re not in a solid, supportive relationship that you can see lasting for the long haul—through ups and downs—then I would not recommend having kids, especially if you’re uncertain about the whole idea. It’s pretty much the biggest commitment and most responsibility any person will ever have.
I got snipped in my 30s before having any kids. I have numerous physical and mental issues that I didn't really care to pass down. Before I was married, I did date a couple women in my past who did have kids, so I'm not opposed to that side of it. At this point, in my mid 40s, adopting seems fairly unlikely.
I don't worry about or miss anything specifically. We have plenty of nieces and nephews (and now some great- ones on my side since my younger stepsister and her son had kids quite young) that I can spoil.
I do somewhat worry about setting up proper care for us as we get older, particularly my wife who will almost certainly outlive me by a bigger margin, but having kids wouldn't guarantee that or anything anyway, particularly with the ratrace that is the current Japanese job market and culture.
Have kids. I absolutely adore my kids and have no regrets, but also recognize that I'm in a relatively stable situation where having kids doesn't create other unmanageable challenges for me and my wife. We carefully considered our capacity to have and raise kids. They were not all comfortable conversations. I am glad to have waited to have kids until I was in a good and stable place, and also can no longer imagine what it would have been like to not have these absolutely wonderful little monsters both spoiling and making every moment more magnificent.
I’m nearing an age where it’s not going to be physically possible for me to have my own soon, and my overwhelming feeling is ‘good.’ I never wanted to get pregnant and was always told I’d change my mind. Well, if I do, it’s going to be when I’m at an age where I’m far too old for it to matter anyway, lol.