Trans Megathread for the Week of November 4th, 2024 to November 10th, 2024
Trans Megathread for the Week of November 4th, 2024 to November 10th, 2024
DEMOS (Dialogovaya Edinaya Mobilnaya Operatsionnaya Sistema: Russian: Диалоговая Единая Мобильная Операционная Система, ДЕМОС, lit. 'Interactive Unified Portable Operating System') is a Unix-like operating system developed in the Soviet Union. It is derived from Berkeley Software Distribution (BSD) Unix.
It's development was initiated in the Kurchatov Institute of Atomic Energy in Moscow in 1982, and development continued in cooperation from other institutes, and commercialized by DEMOS Co-operative which employed most key contributors to DEMOS and to its earlier alternative, MNOS (a clone of Version 6 Unix). MNOS and DEMOS version 1.x were gradually merged from 1986 until 1990, leaving the joint OS, DEMOS version 2.x, with support for different Cyrillic script character encoding (charsets) (KOI-8 and U-code, used in DEMOS 1 and MNOS, respectively).
Initially it was developed for SM-4 (a PDP-11/40 clone) and SM-1600. Later it was ported to Elektronika-1082, BESM, ES EVM, clones of VAX-11 (SM-1700), and several other platforms, including PC/XT, Elektronika-85 (a clone of DEC Professional), and several Motorola 68020-based microcomputers.
The development of DEMOS effectively ceased in 1991, when the second project of the DEMOS team, RELCOM, took priority.
An archive of the DEMOS source code can found here: https://github.com/bpr97050/DEMOS There's some interesting comments and mailing list archives in that repository as well. :)
Join our public Matrix server! https://matrix.to/#/#tracha:chapo.chat
As a reminder, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
tracha matrix group chat rules and information, if you have any suggestions please let me or @rainn@hexbear.net know! we are currently drafting and want any feedback
All this RAMPANT catposting has made hexbear a hostile environment for mousegirls 😖
CW: Homophobia/Transphobia
Independently of the federal election results, "anti-DEI" measures passed by the state legislature means that my university LGBT center is going to effectively be shuttered. The center won't be closed entirely, but it won't be allowed to put on its own events, so that is going to put more burden on LGBT student groups and degrade LGBT resources for the university as a whole.
no matter who wins or loses we're all winners for breaking out of this AGAB crap
Update on my transphobic supervisor: he spent all morning talking about how some billionaires are good people who earned their money through noble ventures, like investment banking. He tells me he is a stock broker on the side and offers to give me some tips.
Ok but for real why is this guy working in a homeless shelter???
I'm kinda envious of other people's special interests. One friend is a walking encyclopedia on history and can go over events in incredible detail, another can go into deep dives into entire genres of music and list of obscure facts about entire discographies and how artists influenced each other, and another can talk for hours on about the CIA and how that intertwines with the trajectory of the US.
I just know a lot about Final Fantasy
Attention queers,
I've been wanting to post something, but I've been worried about backlash, so I've waited until the last day of the mega.
It has come to my attention that many of the posters here have notable patterns of behavior that need to be discussed. Said posters have been on my radar for some time, and it can't go unsaid anymore.
These posters have shown, time and again, that they are great, and cool, and gay. I would like to hug them.
I've said what I've needed to say.
IM GAY
AND TRANS
But...
I've been listening to fucking BOOMER ALBUMS with magi!!!
Hi nerds and sorry I disappeared, uh who knows when I'll be back. I miss talking to people, but y'know. Please excuse the monologue...
We have 221 vinyl albums and 219 CDs, which is about what I expected but goddamn, bitch. That's after culling like thirty each of albums I don't care for. Together, we spent the week cataloguing every record we own on Discogs (I would never touch grass) which was generally pretty enjoyable, found out I have a few neato pressings from pretty far-flung places, for KKKanada. A West German (cringe) (
) copy of the Jon & Vangelis Short Stories, a br*tish 
copy of Rubber Soul, a Spanish 
Yardbirds CD comp. I also discovered, to my sickening shock, that several albums I bought for decent prices (KT Tunstall LPs, Yes blurays) have in fact rocketed up in price to several times what I paid, absolutely horrifying.Also we have been listening to a great deal of boomer tunes. Some cool things like Mingus Ah Um or Time Out, but also like, early albums by The Who, The Stooges, fucking, SF Sorrow. My internal tanks of Ressrve Gay Energy have almost totally depleted and I will have to engage in gaytrans slop soon; I am saying things like "I wish psychidellic rock was made exclusively by angry dykes". Basta Now was written for me, I think.
I miss talking to people but I'm finding it kind of stresses me out, on top of being a problem for my focus/time management skills. I'm such a fucking mess person, I'm less high strung and weird but the edges of my sense of self, the firmness of my self image, start to soften and go wobbly without other people. Socialising, talking, "You" is also the reflection of yourself in other people, what they see of you. I am without reflections to ponder and my brain is very very weird at this minute.
I miss you and love you, trans mega and the silly little gender people in it. I will try to be better and return.
im not a fan of the inevitable decrease of trans healthcare in the USA (kamala or trump win would do this)
its not gonna be fun, its gonna suck
I'm hope I'm not breaking any rules fouling up the trans mega thread with cissitude but I have a bunch of trans and otherwise queer people in my life who all are in really bad headspace right now, and they've all been venting to me because I am apparently the Politics Understander for them
Is there any boilerplate advice I should be giving them? Any insights from people a bit older than their 20s for the trans youngins who are terrified? It's becoming a real emotional burden for me to hear how scared some of these friends are and I'd like to have something to say to them from the experts
oh boy the liberals are truly going full insufferable bigot mode huh
i think i'm going to buy a flamethrower
god is trans
grief
I'm crying for a family member that died when I was 9 because she never got to see me transition. I don't know why I'm just now breaking down about this, but it feels good to let it out.
Nakbamala.
Dronies btfo
the return of tc69?
Pretty glad that I solidified my identity before all this crap hit the fan in the US.
If I were less comfortable with my identity, this might have scared me off transition.
If anything, the fear I feel is showing me just how important all this is to me.
And the thing about fear is that it won't stay fear for long. It's gonna turn into something else. Something more helpful
I HATE having things I want to say, thoughts I want to share, but knowing I can't. Inappropriate to share here, therapist will try and send me to inpatient. Also just like, fuck him. Last session he brought up for the fucking hundredth time he's worried I'm "being influenced" and "going with the flow". Dipshit. Because I guess that's what people with avpd do. Honestly I should just never mention my diagnosises to anyone again if they're going to be used against me like that.
Pet your local cat and puppy girls
The fact that I've had an account on this website for approx. 7 months is baffling to me. I remember having too much anxiety to even create an account on here. I remember thinking I was cis. It feels so long ago, yet so recent, at the same time.
Here's another appreciation post for you all. I genuinely have no idea where I would be or what I would think without you all. I love my trans comrades :trans-heart:
Learned a trick for putting my hair in a clip, which is
and makes me feel so beautiful.On the other hand, god does it make me look like my mom, so it's a wash.
Today marks a full year since
(cw: transphobia, abuse)
my parents kicked me out for starting HRT.
I wasn't sure how I'd feel today, either good because I actually managed to stabilise and have done a lot in this past year, or shit from the whole affair having happened and the stress that I'm still feeling from it. Trying to keep myself busy and do my usual chores so I mostly feel numb. In the end though it seems to be some weird mix of all three of these feelings during my breaks between chores. Not good or bad really, just odd.
Gonna probably try to treat myself a bit once my chores are done to see if that helps any. Got nicer food than usual and my roommate is out so I can take a nice long bath. Might also finally put in that order for a pair of custom sized lolita shoes.
Don't get old
spoiler
When I reflect on it was cute when I flipped out that being old is finding a gray body hair, nah fam its when your body comes down with the violence on multiple fronts. Like hemorrhoid burst and kidney stone passing in the same day (today was that day), and all those remedies people say work? Wistful thinking until it happens.
Visited parents with my brother and after we got back to our place, he was like "mom complimented me on my tit growth*. Did she do the same for yours?"
*as growing chest muscles from working out. He always talks about working out his chest as getting bigger tits.
Need to get used to my new name. Terrible.
Permanently Deleted
Voice training and realizing that I have amazing control of the muscles I need already due to years of singing. The thing is... it's with singing. I can't for the life of me control them while speaking (yet). I actually got into it on the way to work this morning, and was able to speak with a pretty good fem voice, but on the way back I just couldn't get it for the whole commute.
I will master this, I will. Am I, a self-described vocalist, really going to let speaking (vocals) get the best of me? NO
the traa bureaucracy must grow to meet the demands of the ever expanding traa bureaucracy
I wish I could be a cat for a day that'd be cool
sadposting, relationship yearning
Terrified of personal intimacy and being vulnerable
Desperately touch starved and want to be held and lovingly cuddled for hours
this pseudo-hermit shit sucks but I'm so afraid of putting myself out there looking a relationship and don't feel up to it with where I'm at in my life right now
I want a partner to love me so bad though, I'm so lonely and have virtually zero positive human relationships irl currently
I love my cats so much but people need other people sometimes and I don't have anyone and my heart hurts
It keeps me up at night sometimes just ruminating about every relationship I've screwed up and what could've been
I can be cruel to myself sometimes but deep down I do think I'm a decent person with a lot of love to give and think there must be someone out there who'd mesh with my weirdo queer self perfectly but I have no clue how I'm ever gonna meet them with where I'm at now
Oafs need some romance sometimes too
very much a finger guns in mirror day. Brushed my teeth, washed my face, shaved and a dab of aftershave also noticing face more angular with my weight loss. Probably gonna do a light work out, eat then head out for the day 
In my restless dreams, I see that place... Hexbear.
So I just finished my second playthrough of silent hill 2 remake, and now I'm having dreams where my wife is sick and dying, so I think it's time to play something else
Have slowly come to realize I like the puppygirl thing more as an identity than like a kink thing
smut
Like in puppyplay smut or shit (maybe this is isn't an ideal way to explain it) I'm never interested in doing anything of the shit happening. Maybe part of that is prob being ace but acting like a dog isn't for ms
What it feels like is my gender is just Girl with Dog Characteristics. Also if body mods are ever a thing within my lifetime I would want dog ears and a tail
Didn't think hexbear's subconscious psychological reaction to the rising tide of fascism in the US to be catposting
There are worse ways to act out~
fuck it ordering some E finally. who knows what's coming. although if the FDA gets nuked might end up being easier to get who knows
then i'll stare at this bottle before i finally do some self-tests. thinking of microdosing to start and see where it takes me.
weird being a trans-butch i am going to have to find where the masc ends and the femme starts
Watched some british dating show called dinner date, what I learned british women have low standards for men and cooking. Well to be fair none of the couples really worked out and they had some odd people on there like this woman who had never eaten a vegetable in her life
every time something was green on her plate.Playing tabletop games is fun went from playing he/hims to she/they then he/they to my last character she/her before the campaigned was put on hold. Getting to play a character and exploring stuff real fun though I do somewhat worry if I'm playing to any stereotypes or not. Overall my characters have been boneheaded regardless of pronouns but that's just my style
Feeling more comfortable in my skin than possibly ever.
I like my new name, and it's become a natural part of me very quickly.
My preferred clothes ("women's" clothing), which previously I had to work up a lot of emotions to put on, are just a matter of course now. I wear them without even really thinking about it.
I'm less concerned with words like man/woman/enby or pronouns. Just focusing on my own experience. More confident and comfortable with my sexuality.
4 months of laser hair removal is paying off. I have a lot of sessions in front of me, but the results are real and noticeable. I'm happy every time I see it in the mirror. I don't break down crying after I can't get a close shave anymore. If I have a little stubble, it's okay. It'll be gone soon enough.
Voice training continues to be an obstacle. I find it very emotionally draining, but I'm trying. I've done more consistent training in the last few weeks than ever before. It's not where it needs to be, but it's good. Eventually, it will become second nature like the clothes.
All together, thoughts of transition are less fear-based and more colored with calm excitement and confidence.
It feels good, people. I'm really embodying the love/loves atm
I wish I had started at a high dose off the bat instead of fucking myself over on the first few crucial years with low and inconsistent doses.
I wish I was skinnier/more comfortable with my weight so I could feel fine gaining weight for HRT affects.
I sometimes wish I was just ace so I could have that as an excuse for my hang ups with physical intimacy.
Saw the picture and my first thought was, “we need to access the mega via terminal this week?”
I've posted before about my "stuff I just think is neat" or "neat thing I find" windowsill but I got a cute lil' sugarskull pot with some kinda succulent and transferred a hen & chick from the garden into a big
mug that sucks to actually drink out of and I think it's cute(the little 👻 for the skull is a ring that was a decoration for a spoopy Halloween cupcake)
hey all I have made an easily shareable link for Tracha, hoping it can be easily spread and we can get more trans people in
dont know why i havent before but i went to my first concert in girlmode the other day
A Post In Which I Am Reflecting On My Life And The Struggles Therein, But In A Positive And Uplifting Way Since I Am Past That Now (CW vague mentions of difficult relationships, and a time in my life where I was struggling)
I've been thinking about my 20s. How I went from relationship to relationship, and how each one of them was a unique mess. I was so scared of being alone that I couldn't be single. I did monogamy at first, t4t a couple of times, then polyamory with mostly cis people, all kinds of people. Today, I regret every single relationship I was in up until the point in my life where I got so fucked up about a guy (who was totally gonna leave his other girlfriend, he promised) that it kinda just broke me and sent me into like a year-long depression.
That time by myself, and breaking up with him, were the best decisions I ever made. I had to stay with a friend for a while as my life was falling apart, luckily he only charged me $300 rent and I was on EI after getting fired from my job at the time for not performing (I was mega fucked up emotionally by all of this relationship stuff), so I was able to survive, still trashed my credit though.
After that year, I moved to a new city, took a new job, and intentionally stayed single. I singlemaxxed. I rented a nice little apartment 15 minutes from downtown and yes it was noisy and no there was no bedroom window and yes I survived off of ready made grocery store food, but I was happy. I worked and then came home and played video games. I was confident, I was able to be out and about and around people, to take care of myself no problem. I didn't get up to much but that was okay, great even. I remember the first night in this brand new apartment, none of my stuff was there yet and so I basically slept on the carpeted floor. I was playing some silly game on a rented gaming VM (the only time I ever Cloud Gamed!) because my PC was still at the old place.
I didn't even really have any friends when I moved to this town, actually, either. No one I was really close to - it turns out it was okay there too. Nowadays I've been in kind of a rut where I am not feeling like myself, and I just have to wonder "what changed?" The office is a ghost town now (not that I ever go into it) and most of my work conversations are now well, about work. Most of the unserious people that I liked are now gone from the company and there's no opportunities to get to know anyone, really.
In the beginning, I was writing thousands of lines of code a week, productionizing a whole bunch of POC code, was solely responsible for a huge complicated system, eventually started helping with planning stuff etc. My colleagues told me to "write less code" oops. I was doing great, everything was working out for me and it didn't really feel like a struggle, somehow everything was in balance for me and my life was great, despite most of my social things just being work stuff. This was the FIRST TIME in my entire fucking life where I really felt like people were happy with my work, and where I was able to show up on time and leave on time and stay focused etc.
Eventually I started befriending people at work, we'd play games over lunch, it was lively and wonderful. I was so social, you wouldn't believe! Even though I clearly still had some rough edges people were decent to me ... I felt safe and like people genuinely enjoyed my company, which was such a good feeling. I started to arrange game nights and the group was large, and it was great. I nailed the social stuff.
I met my now partner 2 weeks into the job, but we really only started dating a year later after becoming friends, playing music together, etc., when one day it just kinda hit me that I liked him, like the feeling just came out of nowhere. And we started hanging out more seriously.
The rest is history, but I am in a reflective mood today and am thinking about relationships and quadrants and my needs from people and wondering if I'm really as incompetent as I think I am at any of this? I think that I should maybe be a little proud of myself. Knowing I was going to be okay on my own grew me up so much and I think that it built a confidence in me that I should rely on more often. I feel like, if I focus on that feeling, I can finally have those difficult conversations where I advocate for myself and put all of my relationships at risk, because I know that even if I end up alone over it, that I'll be okay and that there's peace in being alone - its a much better feeling than being in relationships that I'm not happy with.
Things are quiet here (well not literally right now someone is banging on our roof and is telling us we need to get the whole thing replaced soon which isn't much of a surprise BUT STILL) and I have lots to keep me occupied, lots of silly things like Homestuck, or music, or the Factorio expansion, or maybe I could get back into tactical games... and I have a huge list of books to read as well. So, I'm not sure why I got so hung up on loneliness for a while this year... maybe it was that work conversations and work stress made me more lonely (I was able to halve my meetings and I feel like a human again, I bet this was a big part of it), maybe it was that I wanted more enthusiasm from the people around me for my interests, maybe I needed more novelty in my life, hm. Who knows.
I kinda want to ask my friend out (i've accepted that her calling me very cute was probably not just platonic), but I feel bad about it.
The thing is I've usually met this friend with another friend when we've hung out. We only met 1 on 1 last weekend because both of us happened to be free while the third girl wasn't. We've even talked about a place we want to go, but if I ask her to hang out with just me, part of me feels like I would be ditching the other friend and going behind her back.
I HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED!
I have ADHD, primarily inattentive (obviously some hyperactive traits but not enough). I am on the Autism spectrum with “level one support needs.” I feel bad for saying this, but I am in the 98th percentile in regard to the “intelligence quotient” (imperfect working memory). Anxiety and depression were not bad enough at the time of the test to qualify as a disorder.
I should be trying some “legal speed” at some point.
No new knowledge but it’s nice to have someone with a fancy label agree with me and prevent imposter syndrome.
All I can think about right now is estrogen and how much I want it in me. I was supposed to be on my way to getting scheduled for an HRT consultation, which they said would probably be in January, but it's been several weeks and I haven't heard anything from them. I don't even have an appointment scheduled.
Now with recent events considered, I'm questioning whether or not I should just do DIY. The issue is I'm scared of messing something up and much prefer having a doctor help me out.
I want the emotional range so bad
CW: Transphobia, federal IDs, Trump
I've seen some people suggest getting their passport updated to correct gender markers, since that's something that's relatively easy to do right now and is likely to become much more difficult or impossible with the new Trump administration. However, that gender marker change is something that could easily be reverted by executive fiat, and could be used as a pretense to revoke said passport. On the other hand, trying to make those changes unilaterally would be challenged in the courts, and it could definitely be delayed/stayed.
So the question is, are the benefits of getting these gender markers changed worth any of the risks. As a note, I plan to move to a state that would allow self ID for state-level identification markers, and my birth certificate is from a deep red state so I won't be able to get that amended anytime soon.
Haven’t been posting stuff because I’ve gone through a massive life changing move 4hrs from where I used to live to a major city, I literally just finished unpacking after being here less than 2 weeks and turns out I have to move out in eight weeks because the owner wants to occupy it. As Boonta vista said, 9/11 your landlord.
Well the meds are doing something, i think. Ive been more productive today than I have been in weeks! Ive been less freaked, more restless (in a good way) and kinda gone off a couple times. But its going well I think... I hope its going well... Its been so long since ive been medicated, i really hope this time things will be different and the meds will work better.
My big test will be going shopping on my own at a big store, but thats for another day.
Started new meds today lets fucking go! Been going up and down all day, probably will continue to do so as i acclimate to them. Restless... But doing fine all in all :medicated:
venting name struggles
I don't know what to do anymore. I have a name I go by, and it's not bad, but it's extremely similar to my dead name (one letter off). So, I tried to brainstorm many different names, see if I liked any of them. What usually happens is, I find a few a like, and I pick one of them that I think suits me. It reaches a point where it no longer suits me, so I pick a different name, and the cycle continues. I guess I should ask all of you how you got your names, but I have a feeling I already know how, and that just hasn't happened with me...
I seem to be figuring most things out, and I'm glad I'm starting to feel better than I have in a long time. The name seems like such a minor thing, really, but my parents do have a point about having to choose something at some point
I went to the thrift store and picked out a couple skirts and a cute sweater, the changing room was closed so I tried on a skirt in the McDonald's bathroom and it fit. I don't know how I had the courage to do this because Ive barely worn women's clothing on my own let alone in public but I just kept it on as I took the bus home. I was giddy laughing to myself because I looked in the mirror and actually liked how I looked. I have some thinking to do
doomerism
does hormones and laser even do anything?
I thought I’d see more of a difference for how long I’ve been doing both.
I see so many trans girls that just look like normal girls (even if you can still kind of tell they are trans) is it too much to ask for for myself?Will laser actually eventually get rid of all my facial hair?
Will hormones do more eventually? Is it cuz I’ve been losing weight so not as much fat redistributes?
Do all the girls who pass just rely on makeup? That’s the only thing I can think of to cope, but o don’t know what I will do if I try makeup and still don’t pass.I fear my gf is tying her life to mine and I am destined to just be miserable forever.
Hehe
This is Chappell Roan’s fault
mental health
I can't believe I haven't posted in over a month. I have been mired in a deep depression that I'm only now slowly crawling my way out. Not doing great yet, but not as bad as I was either.
I need to break my habit of disconnecting from everything when I get like that. I'm sure it only compounds my depression to be anti-social and isolated. Easier to say now than to do in the midst of it though.
eepy and feelin' bad
really irritable and frustrated
I’ve been listening to “how to dress as human” again and it’s funny how even way before egg cracking it was one of my favorite songs because “it so easily conveys a feeling you’ve never experienced before”
that monitor almost looks like it's installed in a brick fireplace lol
genitals
i woke up with an erection, i don't think that has ever happened to me on e before. Could my t levels have gone up? Should I get a blood test taken? Last time I checked it was good, but that was 4-ish months ago.
Finally found the time to do some of the thrifting I wanted to do. I got some women's jeans to try on (hopefully they fit. If not, I'll at least know how to size up/down) as well as some jewelry.
In an not particularly gender related note, also picked up a print copy of the Borealis Connection campaign for The Fall of Delta Green trpg. Not sure if I would want to run it with the FoDG Gumshoe system (which is fiddly but neat) or with the regular d100 Delta Green system, but this sort of late 60s conspiracy thriller is something that I've wanted to run for a while.
spoiler
"So, kid, it looks like you have Vyvanse for your ADHD. Have you been taking it at home?"
"Oh no, my mom says I don't need medication for my adhd or autism."
Well, yes, we don't medicate autism its just another way of being but your mom - who isn't here and dropped you off alone at emerg in severe DKA at from what I can tell was deaths door - your mom has certainly been FILLING your Vyvanse on time...
Anyone have experience with getting a passport? I changed my name many many years ago and don't know if my parents still have the court order, but I haven't changed my birth certificate because I didn't think it would be relevant. All my documents are in my legal name except for the birth certificate.
I've tried looking up my case online but wasn't sure what court it was in (somewhere in WA) or what year.
My state allows amending my birth certificate but it's a several month long wait and my family wants me to get this all done before anyone has a chance to fuck up the process.
"I'm gonna be sad at shift change cause then you're not gonna be here anymore"
Oof ow kid, my spirit-ovaries, I'm coming back tomorrow!!
My mom keeps using "mijas" to refer to me and my sibling, be processing how I feel about it. I don't know I feel like I don't mind being called mijo or mija as much since it's in spanish and I got different feels for it than english. Even outside of talking to us both, she's also just used mija on me and unless I say something she doesn't correct/notice it. Don't know if anyone else has notice different feels in regard to gender in other languages what with the feminine and masculine pronouns for stuff.
It be cool working in the Woke factory, I'd go in day in day out and be making genders with my big hammer. I'd get sweaty and tired but I'd be happy knowing I'd be doing
proudI had a real nice party with my friends. We all made guo tie (potstickers) together and talked into the night.
Okay guys dont tell everyone, but I genuinley think this is the dumbest struggle session to ever happen on this website, and ive been here for ALL OF THEM. This one is so bad, im not even gunna bother making a funny bit/bait post about it like I usually do. Literally the dumbest shit imaginable, grow up.
how would one best go about talking with other, non-radical trans women about this election? I know a few that I haven't spoken to since the 5th and while I'm super fucking jaded and don't give a shit, I know that other trans women I know aren't going to be taking this well. Any tips for not coming off like a flippant asshole?
Been playing shadow generations
When things are going pretty good and all I can feel is that there’s a bit less pain than usual.
Was watching muscles and magic mashlee and they got a nonbinary masc character
they an antagonist and a bit weird but good person.spoiler
It's a series of magic so their powered up form is more nonbinary femme
Still dub sticks with they/them and outside of their presentation they a classical music buff at least what classical music means to anime fans. They also eat tartar sauce and use fish as a means to eat more tartar sauce. I feel them on this but with sriracha
So I'm going to a hair salon tomorrow. It'll be a day of firsts for me. It'll be the first time I've presented as fem in public somewhere other than at my therapists. It'll be my first time really doing anything fem in public. I'm stressed but excited. So to cope I'm trying on a bunch of different outfits right now to see what I like. I think I've settled on an outfit comprised of a gray teeshirt under a cute orange cardigan. I'm trying to decide if I should do the high waisted jeans I have, or a cute orange hippy skirt I like. I could do the skirt over the jeans or leggings if it stays cold and rainy like today. Decisions decisions
I used to make fun of my mom for being into witch shit, and now look where we are... 🧹 🪄
There seems to be a minor shipping war happening with the DA Veilguard fanfics. The two most popular ones are constantly neck by neck in the race for having the most fics about them.
The contenders are a silver fox 50 something dapper necromancer and a tortured assassin who has a demon living inside of him
it's all het shit so i don't really care
i just found it funny 
hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!
the list as it stands:
oscardejarjayes* (11/11 - 11/17) HelltakerHomosexual* (11/18 - 11/24) GayTuckerCarlson* (11/25 - 12/1) Luna* (12/2 - 12/8) Eco* (12/9 - 12/15) EstraDoll (3/2 - 3/8) * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters
hi hello
cw election
my friend lives in long island, she is trans, latina, and disabled. she has guaranteed money, enough to live on in most cities except those like nyc and San Francisco, because of a birth injury. she's extremely scared of this new trump government and project 2025. she's also adhd and has trouble making decisions. should i encourage her to move away from America? what should I say to her? I'm not sure how dangerous it will be for her but she already hates long island. she either wants to move to montreal, where I and some friends live, or Spain where she has a cousin and aunt that she doesn't know too well. montreal would come with the issue of getting a visa but we could figure a way. she puts a lot of trust in me and I don't want to encourage her to move here for selfish reasons (i want my friends to live near me). thank u in advance
someone reply to my reply in this chain please and thank you
I think the guy who explains dostoevsky and tolstoy on unsolicited advice is attractive and it's fucking annoying to me. Quit it.
eepy and sick
family shit, alcoholism, venting, REALLY bleak and bitter sorry
feeling exhausted and depleted trying to keep my parents from falling apart and their home from turning into a complete hovel
They're so disorganized and have neglected so much cleaning and maintenance
I want to help and it it's something that definitely needs to be done and they're not capable of all of it anymore but there's so much and I don't have anyone else to help me
I'm an only child and they're getting old and feeble and I feel like a huge chunk of my life now is taking care of them and they're too lazy to do the parts of it that they are capable of
I need to maintain a good relationship with them for financial support and would be quickly end up homeless without them but I feel like I'm doing way more for them at this point than they do for me, and the time spent keeping their home from falling into complete disarray is keeping me from getting my own shit together enough to be completely independent
My mom's a kind person and pretty good despite being of a slob, but my dad is a complete incompetent trainwreck at this point and the most tedious infuriating old sack of shit on the planet and actively makes any attempt at keeping their place decent worse by getting in the way and complaining about everything
I wouldn't trust him to take care of a houseplant for me if I was gone for a week, and mom works full time still, so every time I improve things there, it backslides into filth in days and quickly snowballs from there into "damn bitch, you live like this?!"
All he does is drink, watch TV, complain and ramble about boring work anecdotes from 20+ years ago that I've heard a million times before and he gets pissed off when I don't want to hear him recite in their entirety (he's been "retired" for 15 years, and took that time to become a full time alcoholic and professional miserable burden)
He belongs in a nursing home that we can't afford
I fucking hate him and have no clue how my mom didn't leave him decades ago
My relationship with him has gotten so bitter that it's making me resent her for putting up with him, and I'm a fucked up hermit and she's pretty much the only good person in my life right now
I don't fucking know what to do, it's like my adult life never actually began and can't until his ends
All he's willing to do is drink and watch TV waiting to die, and he's getting so decrepit and doddering that he won't buy his own booze anymore since it's unsafe for him to drive and he's likely to fall just going shopping, so my mom and I have been enablers because booze is the only thing that'll placate him and he'll get seizures from withdrawal
I'm so fucking tired of this and feel completely stuck and miserable
No one that actually knows him will miss him when he's gone and he's an enormous burden on the only people he regularly interacts with, but he's "a great guy" to his old friends since he was mister handyman and always fixed things up for people decades ago
Every time he passes out, I hope he doesn't wake up
It might be tolerable if I had a sibling to share the burden or if I at least had positive memories of who he used to be to focus on as an excuse to keep supporting him, but he's always been a self centered, angry impulsive miserable bastard even when he was able bodied and cogent
I feel like I'm gonna be even more of a black sheep to my relatives for feeling nothing but relief when he's finally dead, and the bitterness of them not knowing how insufferable he became and thinking I'm an ungrateful shitty person for not mourning when that day comes might make me snap
FUCKfeels slightly better to vomit up all that black bile, sorry if you read all that and it bummed you out
Might have caught gf's cold : /
Well, I just don't think I'm an eyeliner person. Seems to give my face a look that I'm not going for, although maybe more subtle eyeliner would look better. Additionally, that color corrector I got not only didn't do what I wanted it to do, but it made me look like an orange. Also my foundation turned out to be pretty bad.
In terms of a bright side, the mascara is still great, and is quickly becoming my favorite makeup to wear.
I should just bite the bullet and get laser for my face
Please consider helping out two comrades in Palestine! 🇵🇸
Please help Aya in Gaza ❤️ 🇵🇸https://gofund.me/1222af19Please help Mahmoud from Gaza ❤️ 🇵🇸https://gofund.me/5156f6e9Been stuck in this mental lock of wanting to paint my nails these past couple of weeks while watching the polish slowly come off. It's all almost gone now but a speck on my right thumb feel like a weird limbo between painted nails and not painted nails if I can overcome this tomorrow I'm gonna paint them and see it as a new beginning
I feel like shit but I got a lot done today
The
/
dialectic is in motion
I have now lost two handheld mirrors in the past week from trying to hang them in the shower with suction cup hooks.
two of my piercings are acting up and being really annoying
im making an appointment to go get them looked at, I feel like it might be a mystery metal allergy issue because my other piercing that i got from a different place is very stable in comparison. hoping i can get it sorted out this week because it's very frustrating grrrrrrGoing to a show with some trans comrades tonight. Looking forward to it. Been feeling isolated lately due to lack of spoons, trying to avoid falling into the depression hole.
lil’ eyeliner review
Did really well with the eyeliner today. It’s pretty modest by my standards, the wings are quite small, but it looks really good. I usually use the nyx liquid liner, but had a giftcard and got a more expensive waterproof liner from urban decay with it.
It is a damn fine liquid liner and has a nice weight to it, rather like a fountain pen. It checks the boxes well, very dark black, and applies very easily and consistently once you write with it a bit. I can even apply it to my waterline if I so choose, though I prefer to use gel for my lower waterline.
alcoholism/sobriety
Got really bitter and lapsed on my "don't drink spirits" self rule
Vacuumed my parent's place while I had a chance to
It was a grotesque shit hole
Had a bunch of vodka from my dog shit dad
This is my third lapse in four months, so I guess I can live with it despite feeling like shit
I started taking zyrtec for allergies and I went from never being able to sleep more than six or seven hours to 12 hours and I could easily go back to sleep.
Why can't I just get a normal 8-9 hours?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fomuEV15twA death note but they become t4t lesbians
Tears of joy are wild, had some yesterday after a lot of realizations and how effortless they poured out felt nice. I'm used to crying being an effort thing that makes me feel better but exhausted but yesterday they just flowed. One day I might run out of the sad ones but the joyful ones I think I'll never will.
freaky ass dream
Had an adventure and at the end finally opened some door that was locked, other side was telling me someone I met earlier in the dream passed away. I managed to open the door but was getting chills someone step through they looked human but had a cloth like face. Seemed sad but I was pretty shook only thing I can think of was giving them a hug
before waking up. Some uncanny valley shit I don't think I was meant to see 
god im too high been working long shifts don't know what's going on
seems scary. nobody has to explain it to me im going to passively
for a bit
everyone play niceUsed to not like my curly hair since no matter how long it got it still felt the same length on my back but I found something I quite like, my sideburns sometimes get these little curls that look like horns and make me feel all 😈
Brain lore dump binary thinking/depression?
As much as I like the idea of falling asleep to music I need the time to have a dialogue in my head to think. I know it's a little weird but the two main voices in my mind are a bit of roles I assign Quique (masc) Kiki( femme). Probably just me switching back and forth like playing ping pong with myself but my best thinking gets done like that. It helps explain the contradictory emotions I feel by assigning them to one side or the other and I gotta manage my best making both happy.
I also stop using I and go by we for a while, instinct really it's weird. All of this might me coping from loneliness since I got no one to talk to most of the time but as far as coping mechanism go it's easily on of my more healthy ones I've tried. Maybe all of this is just my imagination but so far it's helped me get out of the worst of my depression the ability to just
myself and get a quick prep talk through the worst of the negative self talk.The gif of the gecko vibing that Liv Agar puts in the corner of her streams should be an emote here
also
parasocial crushing
she's super cute and cool imho
Alright, my second pronoun slot is now for sale! I'm doing this to expand my pronoun usage, also just feel like I should have another set of pronouns for the NB times. So, throw them at me. Throw pronouns you like at me, I literally just want to try whatever you all think might suit me. Could also just go back to fae/faer but I've been on a strictly she/her rampage right now and I'm not in the proper state of mind to judge myself right now. A carousel is circular, so I will be eventually
.I've put the three pronoun sets I've used in the past (I ran comrade/them or they/them on an old account).
Upvote the pronouns to pick them, or comment them if they aren't already there. I will turn on upvote view in 24 hours to see the results. If you never want to see something like this again, send me threatening DMs, and I will never do this again
TL;DR, pronouns are fun, pick pronouns with upvote or add new ones in comments please
I've never been big on physical touch (except with my wife), and I avoid when anyone else tries to hug or touch me, but... I'd quite like to experience a queer cuddle puddle at least once
went to a show last week and it was so fun. need to go to another soon. first time at a very big venue too, so that was interesting
Sibling call out my
when they were mentioning how fun shadow generations looks, as a freak who's 100% shadow the hedgehog 2005 the fact there isn't a level from shadow 05 in shadow gens disappoints me. Take my opinon how you'd like since I've been spending the last 7 hours playing secret rings 
and having a lot of fun.Got plenty of sleep last night, still feel miserable today. At least none of my dreams got remembered, so if there was something upsetting in there
sh
20 days clean. Still struggling a lot with urges. It feels very close in a way that's hard to describe.
I feel so hopeless, about everything. This gives me one thought. Not worth talking about.
I don't know why my brain does this. Mental illness ig.
i'm learning to crochet, starting a chain is really difficult
webfishing is fun
Oh! Some good clothing news for once - I actually got a couple sweaters yesterday.
Good removed Mega :ralsei-wave:
Also the injection got done :catgirl-heart:
bad eating habits
Not eating all day fucks, wish I could skip dinner every day tbh. Not eating until bed time, very nice
But nooooo today I gotta pick at dinner and pretend I'm not dying inside.My sleep these past days has been alright, I go to bed with half a gallon of water and usually by midnight I finish it and get another half gallon of water.
nsfw
Used to piss the bed growing up and it was one of the reasons I never had sleep overs and the like but suddenly I just stopped doing it. I don't know what changed and here I am with all this water
Need to schedule some doctor’s appointments but do not want to do so until my legal name change paperwork goes thru.
Really cannot wait until I have no more fucking documents with my deadname.
Going through old comments on stuff like youtube, SCP wiki watching as more and more profile pics put up a trans flag or have trans pride colours - the harvest is coming, more and more nya ha ha... you fool, you posted in the video that makes you trans 8 years ago it's only a matter of time
bit ahead, disclaimer that this is a joke and was not my intention.
THANK YOU FOR PARTICIPATING IN PRONOUN ELECTION DAY 2024 :pronouns:! You've now participated in electoralism, and many third parties had a good showing! The two main parties were close, with the Love party getting 8 votes and the Fae party getting 7 votes. The Pup party had a good showing, with 5 votes. Unfortunately I am not converting to puppygirl (yet)
Woof (:i-voted:)
Next election in four years :maybe-later-kiddo:
Results without the BS:
love/loves: 8 votes (lovely, I'm a based trans now #thallopilled #thallosweep)
fae/faer: 7 votes (I'm reading Throne of Glass (Empire of Storms/Tower of Dawn) right now...)
pup/pup's: 5 votes (sorry pups)
sie/hir: 3 votes (powerful)
they/them: 4 votes (idk)
doe/deer: 3 votes (deer-moding)
If this taught me anything, it's that I'm chill with many pronouns. I love love/loves and fae/faer, but found myself hoping for a sie/hir sweep. Honestly, they/them feel like legacy pronouns to me. Doe/deer is also good in it's own right, and although I'm more of a catgirl myself, I would have run pup/pup's for a bit had it won.
pronouns are now she/love/fae/sie on rotation due to slot limitations.
TL;DR: CONGRATS TO THE LOVES!
laser and a surgery mention and some bottom dysphoria
Hitting the two week mark after laser where the hair is finally coming out! This is session number 2 for hair removal prepping for bottom surgery. Really strange having so little hair down there, e already thinned it out, and now it is smooth
Hoping I can have a bottom surgery date for next year, I want this off of me.
deranged
My brain, bereft and deprived of homosexual transgender stimulation, wanders to really weird places. I was thinking about the bit about that football player and bathhouses in Sterling Karat Gold by Isobel Waidner. I didn't really remotely understand anything about it when I first read it, but now that I have a certifiably funny gender, I'm just turning it over in my brain, I need to reread that.
I am guarded from having to actually discuss this by the fact that none of you even has any idea what Sterling Karat is, and so nobody knows wtf I am yapping about. Relating to binary gender people is all kinds of funky now.
gonna be making chickpea curry for the first time, and it's gonna be super half assed since I planned this yesterday but I'm no longer in a cooking mood. I know we have some of the ingredients, but not sure about others. Also I have no idea about amounts for any ingredients, I just soaked 8oz (225g) of dry chickpeas and will be winging it
wish me luck
trans megathread vibes will continue unabated
It has been way too long since I've blessed my existence with some Tracy Chapman, god damn. You never know what you're missing until you have it. This girl is in heaven
I've been browsing those big lists of pronouns to see if I could find any that fit me. My choices so far, in order of most vibe to least:
- sae/saer
Okay so it sorta feels like it's taking fae/faer, filing off the f's, and writing in s's. But there's connections to concepts like evening and construction in other langauges and I'm into that. Also I like the S sound for a pronoun and, judging by the rest of my choices, the R ending sound for the third-person is required for me.
- vie/ver
Vie... ra? Maybe I just like it because it makes me think of bunnygirls?
- ae/aer
Oops, filed off the f's and forgot the write a new letter.
- ne/nir
I came across ne/nem and for a brief moment, I thought it'd be funny to refer to myself in the third person and sound like an animal sidekick or pokemon or whatever. ne/nir is little closer to something I'd actually want to use. I do like the way it sounds but I dunno. Still feels like a little much next to my name.
I'm now woke (I dyed my hair). Now it's a nice shade of purple!
I will say, I looked pretty good with the bleach blond...
NOPE NOPE NOPE! FIRST I LOOKED LIKE, well me, BUT ED SHEERAN, AND THEN I LOOKED LIKE, well me, BUT WITH BLOND HAIR. IT LOOKED SO WRONG 💀. I don't know how to describe myself in a way that doesn't say too much, so I'll leave it to the imagination.
It was kind of funny, to be fair. Started singing Ed Sheeran and had both me and my mom laughing.
Met the In-Laws 😮💨
Anyone just do a little eye makeup and lip gloss and that's it? I'm looking at tutorials for the first time and it's way too much. I'm not doing a full face with foundation and all that. Also, I work a manual labor job, outside in heat/rain, get sweaty, etc. How to do minimal eye makeup that also won't smear everywhere if I get sweaty? Oh, I also have hooded eyes. @MusicOwl@hexbear.net @magi@hexbear.net
why is the bed so nice precisely on the days i have work??? this is transphobia smdh
- storybook sonic still top fave of mine, he'll save the day like usual but he'll also just sit down with you and be an emotional support. The character is 15 or something but it doesn't take that as a cue to just make him immature. like he does deal with things maybe out of his element but he's steadfast in his optimism and support.
I need someone to put parental controls on the computer to prevent me from shopping
I think understanding my brain more is good mindless scrolling just means I need stimulation hell a lot of my excess behaviors just that. Giving it a name helps me break from my brain fog that traps me in place most of the time.
spoiler
"Monks, the All is aflame. What All is aflame? The eye is aflame. Forms are aflame. Consciousness at the eye is aflame. Contact at the eye is aflame. And whatever there is that arises in dependence on contact at the eye — experienced as pleasure, pain or neither-pleasure-nor-pain — that too is aflame. Aflame with what? Aflame with the fire of passion, the fire of aversion, the fire of delusion. Aflame, I tell you, with birth, aging & death, with sorrows, lamentations, pains, distresses, & despairs.
"The ear is aflame. Sounds are aflame...
"The nose is aflame. Aromas are aflame...
"The tongue is aflame. Flavors are aflame...
"The body is aflame. Tactile sensations are aflame...
"The intellect is aflame. Ideas are aflame. Consciousness at the intellect is aflame. Contact at the intellect is aflame. And whatever there is that arises in dependence on contact at the intellect — experienced as pleasure, pain or neither-pleasure-nor-pain — that too is aflame. Aflame with what? Aflame with the fire of passion, the fire of aversion, the fire of delusion. Aflame, I say, with birth, aging & death, with sorrows, lamentations, pains, distresses, & despairs.
"Seeing thus, the well-instructed disciple of the noble ones grows disenchanted with the eye, disenchanted with forms, disenchanted with consciousness at the eye, disenchanted with contact at the eye. And whatever there is that arises in dependence on contact at the eye, experienced as pleasure, pain or neither-pleasure-nor-pain: With that, too, he grows disenchanted.
"He grows disenchanted with the ear...
"He grows disenchanted with the nose...
"He grows disenchanted with the tongue...
"He grows disenchanted with the body...
"He grows disenchanted with the intellect, disenchanted with ideas, disenchanted with consciousness at the intellect, disenchanted with contact at the intellect. And whatever there is that arises in dependence on contact at the intellect, experienced as pleasure, pain or neither-pleasure-nor-pain: He grows disenchanted with that too. Disenchanted, he becomes dispassionate. Through dispassion, he is fully released. With full release, there is the knowledge, 'Fully released.' He discerns that 'Birth is ended, the holy life fulfilled, the task done. There is nothing further for this world.'"
i have so many incredible, dumb stories from tonight. i hope i remember them
What if... reality TV dating show but a slow burn horror time loop video game 🤔
I think there's something to this
pain
So, now that it's been a couple weeks since initially shaping my eyebrows (and overall I happy with them), I am being plagued by hairs regrowing in the plucked area. I don't mind replucking them, but when they're so small it's difficult to get a grip on them, and they make my eyebrows look bushier than they are do to the color even if they don't contribute any volume per say. Should I just use an eyebrow razor and deal with them via shaving, or should I just pluck them as they get long enough to repluck?
"I just want to grill for gods sake" but its I just want to girl and its hatsune miku
Makin' homemade preetza tonight, wish me luck
🍕There's no coffee, where is the coffee
Pickle juice is like my secret ingredient now, I'm like a french chef cooking with wine but with brine. One cup of brine for the food one for me
- secret rings soundtrack is prob idk not my favorite but one I listen to most. I know the series is mostly known for butt rock but this game also got some nu metal. It was a different time...
i'm doing it again sorry if this is too off-topic (spoilers for homestuck 2792)
In general I'm liking the more varied art styles for the characters
- i can't get over how cute the art is in this little Flash interactive thing, omg the sprites i am swooning and now I have decided Vriska is my favourite character. also Feferi is so pretty omg. so much gender envy is happening here right now. who did this art, i need to become them
- related, but the word spidersona will live rent-free in my head for a while
- there's so many listed music tracks for this one but i uh got lost because it was late and didn't find most of them, lol
- also I loved the actual drawings of :?, good bit
(I should mention tho in case anyone is interested in checking it out that some of the language is pretty dated as it's from ~2010 and kinda has its "edgy" roots, the unofficial collection has a whole bunch of content warnings and I think that's great that they did that but I feel it needs to be said)
this silly little comic is making me believe in people and my ability to actually have social connections again, so I appreciate that. I'm not sure what class of treat enjoyer this makes me, perhaps Treat Mage?
"I have no game and I must rizz" to "I have no rizz and I must game" was my way to self acceptance 😑 que sera sera
I fucking fell for it, do I have to add the puppy pronouns now?
just please, shut the fuck up
having a cool girlfriend
She also said my nose has gotten thinner 
Seems HRT is still doing it's thing, I'm just really bad at noticing it.
and like my dad still doesn't know what that means and my mom is like "if you ever get with a a woman you like...... or guy" 
I just don't fw places that have health code violations. You could find me at super weenie hut jr's instead 
