Final Fantasy XI is the eleventh numbered installment in the… Okay, you know what it is, I’m just going to tell you about one of the storylines!
During the Wings of the Goddess expansion, adventurers will be sent back in time to experience the events of the Crystal War, a cataclysmic event that is the foundation for conflicts of the modern-day timeline. Should an adventurer choose to serve the Kingdom of San d’Oria, they will be immersed in the story of the Young Griffons—a group of children who would see themselves knights, many of whom grow into prominent characters later in life.
Among the Young Griffons, the player will find Bistillot, a shy boy who doesn’t like to be seen. With his penchant for engineering, shy demeanor, and lack of combat potential, Bistillot prefers to spend his time inside of an orcish war machine that he was able to repair to working condition.
He is often seen before he is heard, with his signature phrase, “HAAAALLOOOOOOOOO” being used to hail the adventurer. Through the course of the story, Bistillot finds his way, even contributing to the war effort with his engineering skills.
However, when another member of the Young Griffons is kidnapped and taken to the present day, the adventurer must return to the present day and reunite with the Young Griffons’ present selves! The adventurer’s first contact in the present day is Bistillot. When the adventurer hears the signature “HAAAALLOOOOOOO,” Bistillot approaches the player, but what the player sees is… a woman?? She introduces herself as Bostilette, a “friend of Bistillot.”
After the rescue mission, Bostilette comes clean. She is, of course, the very same Bistillot who was a little boy twenty years earlier. She explains that she was very sick as a baby, so her parents gave her a boy’s name so that she would be stronger and survive the illness. Once she overcame the illness, she was comfortable to reclaim her name and gender. Well, that closes the book on that story, except… I’ve decided that’s bullshit!
I have unilaterally decided that Bostilette is trans, the sickness she had was dysphoria, she stayed in the orcish war machine because she was an egg, and I hope you all agree!
As a reminder, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
Still into this guy I hooked up with a few weeks ago and we talk most days. HOWEVER, a girl I'm friends with recently said some things to me that made me go and my bi brain is in a state
It be cool if I was androgynous, been maybe not even a year since I worked out some better healthier eating habits/managing and or coming to terms with hunger. I want to keep pushing through but I'm also painfully aware of my self sabotage. Changing my weight something I thought was either gonna be constant at best or worse as depression kept piledriving me is scary. Main reason I've been thinking of gender recently is the small change I been seeing in my weight been making me feel I could be more than what I was stuck as.
While back my sister after moving out left a lot of clothes and well I tried some on. Shit was fun but a major damper was I'm built like a fridge so barely anything but the stretchiest stuff would fit. Maybe I'm just kicking it down the road to figure out but if I could flip from one side of presenting masc to femme that be fucking sweet but I worry if I even can. Caught between and it's self sabotage coming in asking if it'll even be worth it.
Been hearing the word fluidity and idk I feel like I can play around more as I lose more weight. Idk if I can get down to twink levels as originally planned but something different from what I am is a start. Anyway gotta go been holding up the wendy's cashier line
the intolerable degree of violence, both social and physical, that has been inflicted upon my trans comrades, brothers and sisters, is not merely intolerable but unthinkable. and the worst part is that i have just now been given a wider view of this bloodbath and i see constant infighting and suffering caused from comrade to comrade and not only have i had part in it but it comes, infuriatingly, not from a lack of understanding, but merely the shortsightedness of not realizing that another has the exact same issues as myself. (just came back from reading Theory)
Disappointing to encounter a cool trans woman in a hot Halloween costume dressed as Jadzia and have her go on a rant about “authoritarian tankies.” Why are so many self described anarchists like this?
my therapist more or less kind of straight up told me that i should either ask that one girl i like if she likes me back or to stop assuming that every girl dislikes me because they haven't told me explicitly otherwise. i guess i should probably ask if she likes me back but i'm like 96% sure the answer is no here and I'd rather not make this week any worse on me
god this week has been so fucking awful i hate everything
All of my friends have pretty serious partners and I am always the only single person. If things do not change I will have to take drastic measures (do nothing)
I’ve been feeling more confident about myself lately, but for some reason in the last week or so my self-esteem has went back down and now doubting and second guessing.
lol my bank just fucking stopped letting me login when i went to do some banking, i think my last brain cell just gave up for the week ill be around later lol
Owwwwww I hate life. I have no spoons, they areb't refilling, chronic pain is probably making it worse, going outside for groceries is getting hard. Also I got on sickness benefits and it is only $228. Super over.
Hung out with my parents (whom I'm still delaying on coming out to) just wearing a tshirt and suspected it was kinda obvious my chest has changed a bit. Afterwards, I decided to ask my brother for extenal confirmation, and he confirmed. So that's cool.
Actually, Mahjong does no damage to the human spirit whatsoever and has infinite benefits (I just won by robbing a kan which is definitely something I knew I could do and not something I just got lucky with. I am good at Riichi)
I look great in the mirror and in selfies, but for some reason pictures other people take of me always seem to make me dysphoric. I suppose it’s better than the alternative, but am I less attractive to everyone else than myself?
I hope the girl I like feels better by Saturday. We're planning on going up to redacted to pick pumpkins and have a girl's night carving them and I'm daydreaming just thinking about holding her hand and turning heads when they see two attactive girls walking around together and just... ughhhh
I have been practicing/learning the minecraft 1.16.1 speedrun recently. I've mostly been practicing my bastions, but I also did a bit of one cycling practice today.
(video might take time to load, I wasn't sure where else I could upload)
First success, only five beds too! Still a bit off from doing full game runs, but I was pretty happy with this.
I'm planning to visit my family soon, and I've been thinking about what to do regarding my grandparents. They're old, rural Europeans and I doubt they even know what a trans person is. When I saw them this summer it that was the last time I boymoded, and that just made me feel bad, and I can't just wear a sports bra and a sweater to hide things now, like I could then. What I've decided to so far is to just present fem like I normally do, and if they have questions I'll answer honestly, but I won't have a big coming out moment or be particularly insistent that they gender me correctly (at least for now).
Maybe it's a bit cowardly, but I feel like it's a good compromise so far, not actively hiding who I am, but hopefully not overwhelming them either. They probably won't say anything either way, because they're so ingrained in this annoying cultural idea that asking people anything that could in any way feel uncomfortable for you or for them is better left unsaid in every situation.
My brain has been extremely active lately, and so I waa thinking about the famous webnovel. No I have not read more, but months ago I made a big noise about a certain scene but did not reproduce it enough. Forgive me, I was not in the meow zone. Now that I am:
The scene of all time, from Unjust Depths 5.2 The Queen
Carmilla sat on the couch, and patted her hand at her side, urging Victoria to join her.
Smiling, Victoria took her place beside the Duchess. It was rare that she felt so comfortable.
She relaxed against the back of the couch and let her body lean against Carmilla’s side, feeling her warmth through her tight clothes. Victoria felt the Duchess’ hand settle on her shoulder first, and then glide up the nape of her neck, behind the back of her head, up to the base of her fluffy brown cat ears.
Victoria’s tail swayed contentedly as Carmilla’s fingers traced the firm cartilage.
Her fingers were so slender, so soft, brushing over the ear flap from the base to the tip.
Victoria’s whole body stirred as the duchess stroked her so gently.
She closed her eyes. From her chest, she let out a soft purr.
“How is this?” Carmilla asked.
A trimmed fingernail scraped where her ears met her head, delivering a rough sensation.
At first teasingly, but then with a firm and continuous rhythm.
Victoria’s hands kneaded on the couch. Her hips trembled. Tiny, almost surprised gasps escaped the Shimii’s lips. Carmilla teased her ears in the exact way that drove her mad.
First a scratch, then a firm rub from the fingertip, bending the ear; draw back for another scratch; repeat. Faster, building up heat each time. Victoria pressed her body against Carmilla’s, moaning gently.
“That’s what I love to see. My precious Varisha, in the glow of happiness.”
Hearing the Duchess’ voice cooing her secret name while scratching her ears, while feeling the warmth of her body and the firmness of her grip. It sent a thrill through Victoria’s chest and down her body.
“Call me by my special name, Varisha.”
In the midst of her passion, Victoria murmured it. “Mishagh–”
She felt Carmilla’s finger moving faster. “Beautiful. Such a good girl.”
Victoria’s tail shot straight up, quivering. She started to bow her head under the intensity of that touch.
The Duchess’ finger slid down Victoria’s ears a final time before lifting off of her head.
Victoria’s eyes drew wide with surprise. Carmilla took her by the waist, pulling her close.
“You’ll get more scritches soon. In the royal bed, next time.” She said, winking.
Carmilla’s finger traveled down Victoria’s cheek.
She lifted the Shimii’s chin and bent down to kiss her. Gentle, brief, but reassuring.
As their lips parted, Victoria’s head felt airy with contentedness.
“Soon.” Victoria cooed. She was letting herself be vulnerable. Letting herself savor it.
I would greatly prefer if Unjust Depths had more of this. Or, maybe if all of it was this. Perhaps there is related fanfic I should be reading, but my gay fiction is alarmingly lacking in meowing, I find.
been putting together this pokemon TTRPG. there's a couple systems out there, but they're all so damn crunchy with the combat. I've settled on just using showdown for actual battles.
putting together some kind of coherent world of what the fuck actually is pokemon is honestly the most difficultt part. like I tend to tell very political TTRPGs, but pokemon is just so obscure with what the fuck anything is because it's a dumb RPG for kids. what is the government? is the pokemon leauge the government? what do most people seem to even do for work? presumably taxes pay for the pokemon centre? are officer Jenny and Looker the only damn cops in this entire world? what's the regulation on owning a pokemon? how does the government control wild pokemon from starting a forest fire or blowing the electrical grid? just world building stuff like that
honestly, it's strange when you consider just how fucking HUGE pokemon is as a franchise, and yet has little to no TTRPG spin off community as other media properties do
My girlfriend invited me to her steam family with her other girlfriends but I'm already in a steam family with MY other girlfriend and HER other girlfriends and you cant be in more than one. My massive library is in demand! But it sucks this is polyphobic!!!!!!!!!!!!
I must be cursed with the most unlucky body hair genes ever, I shave my bits and bobs and my butt and the next morning it's already grown back enough to have a little stubble and if I don't shave again that morning it ends up rubbing against my panties and really bothers me, like, bleh. Makes me want to just stop shaving so I don't have to deal with the sensory problems but then ✨gender ✨ happens and it gets at me the same amount, if not worse. I hate my brain sometimes
god I wish factorio 2.0 had updated the construction bot logic. I just hate that they randomly place ground tiles like concrete or landfill. just start from one edge and work to the other, god damn. this hardly seems impossible to program
I got approved for a bridge welfare payment while my disability application processes have to jump through some more bureaucratic hoops to get at the money which is a pain but I have payments building up starting today!!!! happened way quicker than I thought, really happy:)
Just got back from getting bloodwork, now to wait for results and hopefully I can get my E upped a little.
cw: Blood
Seeing my blood in the vial, I'm always struck by how it's such a lovely shade of red. This happens to me often with particular shades of colours, and I guess my own blood is one of those now. The dark red is such a deep and beautiful shade, and even the bright stains on white cloth are utterly delightful, such a... almost happy shade of red. This is probably weird to think about though.
close up camera shot of a corkboard. a hand comes into frame and pins a card with someone's name on it, along with a piece of red string. slowly the camera zooms out, revealing that the red string has been arranged in a heart around the name
waking up with no power, and then discovering the fucking fuse for the oven is the thing tripping the breaker. I had to test so many god damn things to narrow that down
Checking my lab results, somehow my T got back to male levels (14.2 nmol despite my increased spiro dose, last test (with the lower dose) gave me 4, first one at that same dose gave me 1, pre-E I was at 14.1). Midterms have been throwing my sleep into a mess though so I haven't been able to take them at a consistent time lately so I assume that's the issue rn, and I only took it an hour before the test, but I wouldn't have expected it to outright be back at male levels from that. Gonna have to figure out a time that I can stay more consistent on.
My E shifted a ton too, maybe because of the T being higher today and suppressing it? Last time it was 225 pmol, this time it's 184. No dosage change.
Been trying to avoid trans spaces/content online (including here, though I’ve posted in the megathread a few times) for the last few weeks, trying to convince myself that I can just live as a feminine cis man, but now I realize I can’t do it. It’s not what I want for myself, and if anything my dysphoric feelings get worse from intentionally ignoring that.
I finally bought an article of girl clothes - a pair of gym shorts. Is that weird? Shorts? I want something fitted and the most fitted men’s shorts I’ve been able to try were still too baggy for my liking (though that’s probably for a reason that might become a problem with my new purchase… we’ll see when it arrives).
I’m still off the booze, will be a full 30 days tomorrow. I try to tell myself I started this for vague health reasons, but really it’s because I know orally administered HRT can be hard on your liver, and even though there are other ways, I want to at least have a chance of keeping it an option. This is probably the longest I’ve abstained for the past decade, so the damage might be irreversible, but it’s worth trying.
Picked up sparking zero, but it didn't hook me, and I just refunded it. Been waiting for it for like a year.
I feel like I can't even touch the enemies. I played the tutorial, but I don't know how to do half the things the enemies do. Just feels really clunky to me. Also, the story mode seems incredibly bare bones and soulless.
Really depressing. I must have had hundreds of hours on Budokai Tenkaichi 3, and now I can't even clear the first few levels of this one. Ugh, I suck.
I work in an LGBTQ culturally-specific nonprofit. My cishet supervisor has been posting transphobic facebook memes, and my cishet boss knows about it but covered it up.
I'm friends with one of the muckymucks. Wish me luck in talking to her about it.
It's 106 miles to the trans mega, i got a full syringe of estrogen, half a fifth of rum, it's not even october and i'm drinking fucked up christmas vodka. hit it.
this might be a silly question, but, about the gender accelerationist manifesto... (cw discussion of transphobia etc)
As discussed earlier, performativity requires you to actively accept the class you’re assigned to by gender. This is a strength of gender because it forces you to be complicit in your own oppression, but it’s also a weakness. Since your class is based, in part, on your active acceptance of it, this creates the path to active rejection. Indeed, if enough people reject the gender assigned to them, gender cannot function.
and trans people are those rejecting their gender, saying “no” to gender. This is a modern phenomenon which is subversive toward gender and presents us with a path forward. Here we find the core to the revolutionary potential of queer people. If everyone says “no” to gender, everyone ceases to accept it, then gender is lost. We find similar strategies among resistance to other class systems. People fight capitalism through a refusal to work, a general strike against it. Similarly, a collective “no” to gender rejects the class system and allows us to take it to its knees.
This would be nothing but a revolution. It’s an overhaul of society which allows for queer people to take its reigns and remake it in our image. This act of class abolition by queer people, including a self-abolition of our own class, is a daring attack upon gender. It takes over society to transform it and eliminate class from it. This means that such a revolution would be the dictatorship of the queer.
I feel like there is not enough detailing about how cis and straight people can say "no" to gender. And some of the implications of the other things, such as the base of gender being the distribution of reproductive labor, could be read pretty easily to be implying that, for instance, someone who is doing non-reproductive labor is "materially a man" and someone doing reproductive labor is "materially a woman". i feel like the manifesto is really based in a lot of places but it kind of seems to reject identity politics too much? theres a lot of things that are fundamentally different between a trans woman who acts as a "breadwinner" and a cis man doing the same thing, even if both are huge assholes as well. and...
This is hardly done freely. The violence of the system is inherent and systemic. We perform these acts surrounded by the violence of gender. But we still perform them. Gender isn’t content with forcing itself upon us. Instead, it forces us to say “yes” to it.
This serves as a method of control and reproduction. Gender isn’t inherent, but it spreads by assigning us to a class and forcing us to say yes to that class. “Yes, I am a man. It is who I am and who I always have been. I cannot escape it or deny it. I am a man.” This is nothing but a lie we are forced to repeat. But by repeating it enough, we come to believe it. Gender becomes natural, inescapable, eternal. It ceases to be an imposed identity and becomes an eternal part of who we are. By objecting to my gender, you are objecting to that which is inherently me
I don't know how to read this except as an advocation of gender constructivism in it's entirety- But this can't be true, otherwise people who have been conditioned from birth to be a gender they don't vibe with wouldn't experience dysphoria, and that one twin test would have come out entirely differently. There's obviously something deeper to it and the labels that are also used to enforce power hijack that deeper thing, not entirely constructed out of whole cloth, just like how "sex" is a construct grafted onto real physical things that can affect people
it's a great read and i'd still recommend it to most people. i just don't think there's nearly enough ideological basis and/or defense against TERF-type arguments in it for a movement to be built on it alone. it needed to have spent more time examining why TERF ideology is wrong instead of merely gesturing at it being unnecessary and misinterpreting specifically trans people as bad (which leaves the fundamental reasons TERFs and many "progressive(appropriating) transphobes" believe what they do alone to do trouble).
Sorry for not posting too much. I finally figured out how to not believe the perception of urgency and importance that comes with my every thought. It’s kinda nice, but I find myself discarding comments because my perspective is irrelevant for better or worse.
Another day where I wish we could post photos. My makeup and outfit are so on point today and the swelling from ffs has gone down enough that I feel so POWERFUL.
idk, internalized transphobia? romantic attraction brainworms about being perceived/not perceived as trans
How do I deworm myself of the where I make myself uncomfortable every time I even notice myself attracted to someone?
If it's a woman I'm attracted to, I'm worried about being perceived either as a weirdo effeminate bi guy and misgendered or the transphobic chud trope of trans women all being predatory lesbians doing Bathroom Crime or whatever
If it's a guy, I'm worried about either being misgendered by a queer cis guy thinking I'm a femmy cis gay, or a straight guy expecting a woman reacting badly and either being harassed or potential violence
All of these scenarios start like automatically in my head just from seeing an attractive (binary cis) person on TV or a stranger in public and realizing I'm attracted to them
My brain sucks ass dude
Maybe I really should be exclusively t4t and just completely dissuade myself of the notion of paying cis people any attention at all romantically
Seeing a pretty lady on TV and thinking about how she might get creeped out by me or a handsome guy and thinking he might kick my ass can't be healthy
I have multiple mid granolas in my cupboard. I just discovered the one good one says it has fucking dairy derivatives in it. Should’a taken note of the “protein” label.
CW: Dysphoria, mental health, questions about medication
After spending the last couple of days in a depressive/dysphoric hole, I have decided to go ahead and try SSRIs, and to get an HRT consult scheduled sooner rather than later. Obviously, dysphoria and depression are two different things, but I wanted to know if there were any issues with beginning the two around the same time, and if it'd be better to start one before the other.
Holy shit there was a group of people in American revolutionary uniforms banging on a drum while waving Trump flags next to a commuter route.
I retract my statement about liberals being just as passionate/energetic as conservatives, this takes the cake. These people also set up a giant (largest I've ever seen) sign at the end of the road accusing democrats of stealing freedom. I was shocked at first, but by the time I was turning off of the road I was laughing my ass off.
some thoughts on emotional repression, CW long post, childhood shit, some unkind things I've been called, references to homophobia, being misunderstood
been a while since I posted a proper thing here, been busy figuring some stuff out, tbh.
Anyway, so I was in a therapy appointment this past week and Cool Therapist noticed that when I talk about people or even when she says the names of my friends that I have extremely complicated feelings. Happiness - but then conflict, suppression, trying to stay neutral.
I've been mulling this over for a few days now, and I think I finally know what's going on here. I've always felt strong emotions about any person I am in contact with. I'm prone to mimicking and effusiveness, which since I was very young has been both considered "pathetic" or "clingy" and/or misinterpreted as romantic intent and I was bullied quite a bit for it.
But this morning I think I finally understand - I feel lonely because this is a form of masking that I've internalized. I got kinda fed up with myself this week and just decided that I'm sick of apologizing (to myself/to others) for the depth and kinds of feelings that I feel for people, and I did some reading on a-spec. I am grateful to the friends who heard me out on all of this stuff as I was trying to find language etc. even if it was quite intense and even upsetting for me at times due to the baggage I carry.
I discovered the Split Attraction Model. I discovered several different categories of attraction. I discovered the phrase "action is not attraction." Following is a snippet from my notes about different types of attraction in case anyone is curious (I took these from a couple of Youtube videos that I really liked, I can link his videos if anyone is interested in exploring deeper):
sexual: feeling compelled to engage in sexual activity
romantic: feeling compelled to date or be in a romantic relationship with someone (ed: this is a whole spicy thing really that I can go into, again, if there's interest)
sensual: feeling compelled towards physical but not sexual (like when you really wanna hug someone)
aesthetic: admiring someone's appearance and being compelled to look at them or draw them (I have mistaken this for other forms of attraction SO MUCH)
platonic: feeling compelled to be friends with someone and spend time with someone in a non-sexual non-romantic capacity
alterous: having a strong sense of admiration or desire towards someone, or feeling compelled to spend time with them, in a way that's hard to define as platonic or romantic
gender envy: i wish i had that person's body, features, life (difficult to detangle with a crush) (YES this video maker included gender envy in his list, genius!!)
Anyway, I guess what I'm getting at is that now I'm aware that I've been hiding strong feelings from some people in my life, especially a friend that I've known for over a decade. So, last night, I told her that I was really grateful to be spending time with her. It was a small gesture, but suddenly I feel like for once in a long time, the intensity and pressure that is always building up inside me was finally expressed in the right way. And the relationship cop in my head telling me that I'm feeling too much and that's wrong (the one that really likes terms like "outsized emotions" and "fixation"), well ... it is quiet (for now, at least, I am certain that this will not be my last battle with it).
This probably seems really silly and minor to a reader, but the hard part that I've struggled with has been being able to express these emotions without them being misconstrued or having people be grossed out. The pressure builds up inside me because I internalized so much of other people's insecurities from a young age (whether it's being called gay (in a derogatory fashion), or accused of having a crush, or being called "creepy/clingy/pathetic," fuck heteronormativity etc.) that it creates so much conflict in me even just trying to have social connections that I felt trapped and lonely even by my deepest relationships because I simply cannot express myself honestly. In addition, because the feelings build up, they end up becoming stronger and stronger as well.
Today, I want to be free from all of that, and let myself actually be seen by not just my partner, not just my closest friends, but by everyone I trust. I am still working on being able to express upset/anger/etc. emotions to people, but expressing positive seemed like the easier of the two so I started there lol.
Someone just asked for my pronouns! This is the first time someone outside of my family has, and I think he's cis too! To be fair, I'm not boymoding or anything like that...
I even said she/her! I didn't lie! I'm not going to use the neos IRL (at least for a while), and I'm kind of proud I could bring myself to answer with she/her. Feel like I'm making progress 😁
so i work at a preschool (every rightwinger in 50km radius just got really mad but doesn't understand why) and today one of the teachers told all the children of her class to thank me, by name, for the food that we gave for them.
It's actually really affirming to get a string of like 20 kids come up to you and thank you while also mentioning your name
Honestly it still feels like it's very new, and everything this year has been and is going to continue to be hard, but I'm still very happy about this. Unfortunately I can't celebrate it at all today since I'm quite busy, but I put on one of my favourite outfits to at the very least feel very cute.
Finally got around to reading the Gender Accelerationist Manifesto. It's a very good introductory text, and it's good the bear site recommends it so heavily, but i mostly had the feeling i was already aware of what was being discussed. The totality wraps up a communist, non-liberal view on intersectionality in a useful way, tho, and i found the statement that the trans experience isn't transhistorical because our conception of transness specifically exists in a post-colonial framework of gender quite eye-opening.
edit: i spoke too soon, the gender accelerationism intensifies
Does anyone else feel like they can't fully come out until they can 'prove' themselves? Like for example I can't help but feel like I'm 'not allowed' to ask for my desired pronouns/name from friends or my partner or people in general if I don't first at least get rid of facial hair and at the bare minimum sound like I'm voice training.
people get weirded out when they see i have my mouse on the left of my keyboard, but are unprepared entirely for the fucked up controls i use in video games
dysphoria, self harm, si, just really struggling idk
Last night was hell. This morning is more hell. I can't take it. This is all so stupid. I just can't. There's nothing to do. I'm scared. I feel hopeless.
I don't want to hit fat. I can't end up in the hospital.
This is just awful. No escape. No way to escape.
This is stupid, I don't understand why I'm flipping out like this or how to stop it. It just hurts. Everything hurts and I can't stop it. I don't know if things will ever be okay.
I can't take this pain.
edit
Well, self harm urges are gone for now. I don't feel amazing or anything but a lot better then I did earlier.
Cannot wait for the US election cycle to finally be over. I hate how this farce dominates the consciousness of so much of the world whenever it is held.
It's so nice to be free of the "what if I'm not actually trans" thoughts that used to plague this girl's noggin. Having the freedom to just to the shit I want to do and not do the shit I don't is actually the best thing ever. I've done so much gender stuff lately that I would have never done with those fears rotting me.
Running out of instant ramen leads me to reflect that they jacked the prices on all the instant stuff with low prep/cook requirements. I used to buy those Sidekicks-style pasta things, you're supposed to use them as part of like fettucine alfredo and stuff, but I would just eat them, autism. Microwaveable even. Used to be four for five bucks, now it's three for seven. Actual crime.
So this is probably why everything food related feels like a crushing depressing weight lately. Everything has to be cooked from fresh ingredients and then has three days in the fridge. It's exhausting I think, when I'm low on spoons I just wanna put something in the oven or microwave Idk. Putting soya sauce in the stir fry made me want those fucking instant teriyaki things again.
in the sense that most of the time I'm a she/her, but sometimes I'm an it/its. And it can be quite frustrating because I'll want to be a woman for the day, but then the it/its thought patterns will become too strong if I try to fight it and it'll take over the brain's main thought patterns, turning me into an it/its. Also sometimes this happens as a result of negative emotional stimulus. My two genders also just low key have different personalities, although it's not major enough to preclude interacting with other people, but honestly my other gender is much worse at socializing so we usually just end up switching genders back to deal with it. Although that often causes headaches. Ah whatever, at least most of the time the other gender is just some other thoughts in my head that sometimes I have short conversations with.
Not too much to say. He was willing to work with me despite the potential difficulties and had ideas for how best to go about it. He even mentioned ideas for scrotoplasty stuff, which would be pretty much fantastic if that worked out. More than anything, he said that he and the main surgeon are quite stubborn when it comes to finding a way to get a patient what they want. It may end up not working out when the time comes, but I'm relieved they're both willing to modify and try different things to figure this out. They get to be some of the very few to say they did it, so they'll get something out of it too
I was once again assumed to be detransitioning. I am not a masculine person, yet I have struggled to feel even qualified for feminity ever since this thing forced onto my body. I hate that I've had to clarify this for two different people now. Disco Elysium -1 morale each time. I already feel unworthy of it, i don't need people calling it into question even if it's just the default assumed cis error.
Had to go to the gynecologist recently because my dysphoria bits have been acting up, ordered more testing but there's not much I can do for the discomfort sounds like aside from baths. For the positive she mentioned yeeting some of the bits right away. Ideal world get rid of them all at once, when I see older people remove some out of necessity the surgery is totally draining and I lack good adult babysitters despite theoretically having like 4, I ran into that with top surgery recovery.
I saved up enough to get a rusty clank for winter and importantly found someone willing to sell me it, even when you have money people aren't so willing to part with their pos one step above scrap that barely runs and I wasted like 3 hrs at a dealer last week for them to throw the deal over a few hundred dollars. Anyway, today's clank drove two hours home and doesn't seem too bad, and I think aside from the rust I or relatives can repair the other things. I always worry about being snowed in and stranded at work, my current car is pretty low to the ground and I barely got around to fixing the heater core this summer, no fun driving in a freezing car when it's 15 below and you get stuck on side roads, especially since I'm a closer and if it snows past 5 or so those roads aren't getting cleared until morning. I'd like to celebrate 'yay new car' and a year or so of effort saving, but really it means whatever tiny bits of spare time I have are going to be playing mechanic and that's for the hope of a reasonable winter car. I have another k or so in reserve to do repairs since the price was a bit cheaper than expected.
Love when all dopamine, energy, social battery, and sensory tolerance has been used up and my only option seems to be staying on my phone. With one last ounce of discipline I will attempt to say good night and log off. Gn!
If the health packs and pain killers and stim packs and health boosters in FPS style games were real, the standard FPS guy would probably have a failing kidney and liver and some other problems the amount they suck em back
That CANNOT be good for you. That is too many pain killers. I guess the in game alternative is dying to gunfire
Alright you all, how visible is my new PFP? I need eyes other than my own for this, and I can't tell if I need to tweak it or not. Can you all tell what it is?
here's a picture of my cat so this post actually has substance. She has a habit of not eating, which she's practicing right now.
lot of tv static in my brain.
idk how I want to present anymore.
i could imagine how i want to see myself sort of but it's staticy now.
fighting my desire to not take up space, hard
i don't know how any of this works
by what means is progress measured if nobody witnesses the journey?
how do i understand how i want to be without observing and mirroring? is my concept of gender supposed to not reference other people?
idk what i can do to just not be seen as a guy, because as long as people treat me like a guy, i will be wrestling against the world to be seen. i will always have to override the instinct to respond like a man and it will always take me twice as long to speak up.
I know Moss is the most generic agender name, on the same level as Kai, but the funny thing is I didn't even choose this name. My friends started calling me Moss as a nickname long before I realized I am agender. Assigned Moss By Friends
Today I wore quite the interesting outfit. I had to work with it being really cold this morning, while getting really hot in the afternoon. So, I ended up wearing my signature black cardigan with my Fire Emblem: Three Houses Black Eagles graphic tee instead of my sleeveless turtleneck. Additionally, since I wanted to wear a skirt, but it was cold in the morning, I wore my flared jeans with the skirt over them, as well as my black combat boots (I think they're combat boots). The flares at the bottom of the jeans poked out from the bottom of the skirt, so it looked a little weird, but it served it's purpose, I was never too hot or too cold all day
just saw a video of a cis girl using a knotted dildo to knot her urethra and we were just,,, bewildered. you can do that? what the fuck. bodies are awesome (and very weird).
wonder if you can do that with a post-op vagina,,,, interesting thought. would assume so? hmmmmm
I rate this episode of ✨Gender Whiplash✨ a 10/10, very nice! Let's see what it brings when my egg cracks again next week. It's very strong, powered with nanomachines or something.
(Seriously though, why do I keep thinking I've figured it out only to be hit with more questions a few days later? Cmon brain)
Ah fuck, I found it, in Whipping Girl! Here we go:
I have also met some people in the transgender community who feel that identifying outside of the male/female gender binary is superior to, or more enlightened than, identifying within it. Such people often express gender anxiety (binary-phobia?) at people who identify as either female or male.
I'm done, lmao.
Yes, Julia, I am certain that A) being non-binary is something people do purely as a "moral high ground" kind of thing, B) that their expressions of negativity toward the gender binary are exactly the fucking same as cisgender people imposing their belief that men should be masculine and women should be feminine on others. I am certain.
Binary-phobia This is where that weirdass bit about "genderqueer is a privileged identity only accessible to college students with punk rock haircuts" type shit in Nevada comes from, isn't it?
So I'm several hours away this week for work training. This is the same place I was at when my egg cracked back in January. It's really weird being back here since so much has changed. 6 months of HRT and a lot of therapy will do that I suppose. I spent a lot of time last night ruminating about the year so far, and the things to come. So I might as well journal my thoughts.
I can't believe the progress I've made. I have accomplished so much in my life this year so far. I've neglected so much for that last few decades and it feels good to get things done. On top of getting my life together, I also look so different and it's amazing. I have no idea how the cissies around me haven't noticed anything. Or maybe they have and just haven't said anything about it. I do worry about how much longer I can effectively boymode.
On the topic of boymoding, it really hit me last week that one day soon I'll boymode for the last time. That day is approaching and I'm sure I'm not ready for it yet. I barely go out in public in girlmode, though I am getting braver. I really need a new job before I can do anything major, since being outed at work would probably get me fired. Most of my coworkers, all of my management, and a lot of my customers are violently transphobic.
I've been applying for jobs like crazy. But I'm kinda on the fence about how to present for job interviews. I don't know if I should include pronouns in the resume, deadname and chosen name, or just use my chosen name. I am currently applying with just my dead name, and that's probably the easiest for the short term.
Outside of all of that, I want to start streaming regularly. I need to set a schedule and stick to it. I think that streaming will help me work on my voice, as well as help me with my general anxiety. I'm surprised at how anxious I get when I stream, or hang out on vrchat, but it is getting better.
Anyway, just want to end by saying I love all of you.
Anyone else marvel at how different people are in different places every day? Like I’m not in the exact same place same time every day, but I have a rather consistent schedule, and it’s weirdly random how many people cross my path. I think “why didn’t I see them yesterday or last Tuesday here,” and such. “How and why” for each occurrence. It’s fascinating but hard to investigate (do I make a spreadsheet? That would be weird and difficult.)
My vinyl of F#A# has a normal ending on side A, and a loop that makes the record sound totally broken on side B. The sides are unmarked but there's a catalogue number etched in that has an A on one side and a B on the other, and also it seems like the track order matches the catalogue number lol.
I added more emojis to the Catgirl emoji request post, with suggested emoji names and keywords! Hopefully they get accepted soon, so we have cats to match our puppies
I'll keep it as vague as that. Saying more could entail... "violations"
Still no commitments, but I really hope she does come over sometime soon. I'll likely feel a degree of excitement previously never felt before when she does.
I like how all the right-wing attempts to create an alt-right pipeline for women have largely backfired. Classical Abby was laughed out of the room, pearlythings became a punching back, etc.
Then you see guys like Destiny and Asmongold. Cis men are apparently a lot easier to manipulate with a much lower bar of entry. You can look like a malnourished rat amped up on crushed Adderall with awful opinions and they’ll become your devoted cult members.
I don't understand what's happening. Things should not actually be this hard for me. I should be okay. But I don't feel okay. Its wrong. I feel disconnected. And then I'll be reminded of the wrongness. I'll speak, or feel my body, or hear "my" name. I feel like I'm in a dream. But this isn't a dream.
self harm, scars
I have a very strong desire to sh. I have the accidental stuff from shaving, it hurts but I want more. There's always more. I'm somehow 13 days free from using something sharp. I can't sh. I don't want to keep getting more scars. I'm already upset about what I have.
Though I lost what could have been a good week to dissociation, it’s a beautiful day today. Even if my “rational” brain keeps telling me I have no good evidence when I randomly question whether other people exist.
Let's face it: if cissexuals didn't have a subconscious sex, then sex reassignment would be far more common than it is. Women who wanted to succeed in the male-dominated business world would simply transition to male. Lesbians and gay men who were ashamed of their queerness would simply transition to the other sex. Gender studies grad students would transition for a few years to gather data for their theses.
Julia, you must know better than this, I'm sure of it. It's not like subconscious sex is the only thing standing in the way of this... the example of "succeed in the male-dominated business world" bears that out pretty clearly. They're not just unfathomable because on a profound, subconscious level, sex... This is so weird, is she going to go into Gender Accelerationist theory about gender fascism and shit or do I have to fill that part in myself?
Also some of those examples are like, step away from the fucking lathe, miss.
I have been Very Productive today (also check out my new extra pronouns! Wanted to try taking those babies out for a spin and seeing how they feel)
I wanted to take a nap when I got done doing everything but my brain wouldn't shut up so I drank a gay lil' energy drink and am gonna play vidya while the kitties are all napping
"Five" kinda sucks but getting to mow down zombies with an AK-74u as Fidel inside the Pentagon is neat
I have now met two other covid-cautious chinese trans communists. it's so funny. (and one covid-cautious chinese trans anarchist, but i think they probably would not want me to call them a communist.)
Just spent 3hrs to "hike" 5.2mi (8km) which involved a lot more crawling under blowdowns and scrambling up and down steep valley slopes on all fours. Despite this, I am not a pup. My watch says I burned 1250 calories, though, and I feel great. Now riding a cable car to a temple.
do I even know anything? how the fuck am i supposed to trust myself. apparently i have a problematic take but i can't tell how? i genuinely can't understand the counterargument people are giving to it. i don't want someone here to give one because obvs if it's problematic it's on me to educate myself and not force people who are being hurt to hold my hand through things. but now i feel like i don't know anything anymore
Sometimes you read a Whipping Girl quote and it's like
I think this is best captured by the psychological term "cognitive dissonance," which describes the mental tension and stress that occur in a person's mind when they find themselves holding two contradictory thoughts or views simultaneously - in this case, subconsciously seeing myself as female while consciously dealing with the fact that I was male.
and I understand what she's actually talking about, I can see through the bullshit fog, but fr this cisnormative bullshit is wearing on my mind.
This gender dissonance can manifest itself in a number of ways. Sometimes it felt like stress or anxiousness, which led to marathon battles with insomnia. Other times, it surfaced as jealousy or anger at other people who seemed to enjoy taking their gender for granted.
It's so easy to skim the mega looking for theory than to actually go to different comms tbh, speaking of which anyone got any recommends? I need something to listen to as I half exist today pls and thank you
Some days I still wonder if I'm really trans or if I convinced myself of something something something.
Those same days I struggle to hold back tears as I stare at my own legs and compare them to my girlfriend's and think about how much hair removal I need to pass a vibe check in the mirror.
Such is life ig
In happier news I finished my last session of laser for this round and I'm really happy with the results. Gotta wait a few days or 2 weeks or so to let it grow out and see how it actually looks now so I can get a new referral. Gonna try and see if I can sneak the little hairs between my eyebrows as well as my sideburns in the referral.
now that I have my job and moved to an apartment the procedural barriers to actually doing something about my gender have all but eroded. Theoretically I could go to an informed consent place and get an HRT prescription. It's just really scary to consider doing that
I've found myself really consumed with doubt when I think about it, which has been less so now that I'm working full time and have less time to idly contemplate my identity. Truth be told, living as a guy feels... fine right now. Not great, but not the worst thing in the world? Shouldn't that not be the case?
I'm scared that I've been deluding myself for almost two years now. Cis people supposedly almost never think about their gender, it's said, but I'm unusual in a lot of other ways. What if I'm the odd cis person that does think about their gender? What if I'm tricking myself just so I get to feel "special" and not like a lame guy? Or what if these OCD symptoms I've been discovering with my therapist are behind all this, and it's just something I latched onto as an obsession that doesn't really mean anything about my identity after all?
I'm thinking about just going for DIY HRT so I don't have to show my face at a clinic if I turn out not to like it. That's giving me some hope, the idea that if a cis person takes the wrong hormones they feel like garbage. That way I know for sure, right?
Thinking about this gives so much anxiety, but I know that if it is something I want then every second spent waffling is another second wasted. My habitual over-analysis goes in circles. Makes me wish I just didn't have to exist so I didn't have to figure this out. I see my therapist tomorrow so I hope she has good advice for me
i think it says a lot about britain as a nation that we've allowed david walliams, creator of some of the most vile comedy ever aired on television, to become a successful children's author
Apparently altered time perception is a symptom of dissociation. I can still feel my senses for the most part, but I’m definitely dissociating. Wonder when the last time I wasn’t was.
I just saw I saw the TV glow and fully expected to hate it, but it was actually beautiful. Also mildly painful to watch, but there is a sad, haunting wonder both in its visuals and its themes.
I've been seeing TMA and TME in bios on tumblr lately, and Jules Gill-Peterson talk about it a little. I know what they mean broadly, but was wondering what's the story behind them? What's the reasoning behind using them? Kinda afraid to ask, but online searches haven't been very helpful.
I think I was a little silly earlier. My time perception is getting less crazy and I’ve been more mindful. Dissociation is not forever and paying attention to something leads to it changes. I’m still dissociated but I’ll stay optimistic. Maybe my cognitive strategies will keep anxiety at bay without full repression? Life remains a mystery that will continue on changing as it goes.
@naom3@hexbear.net It would be way cooler and funnier if people just picked up your pronouns by default, but yeah I see they/them as a pretty good outcome tbh :)
@sneak100@hexbear.net Are you saying I should cowrite End Cisnormativity: Nothing Is Gendered with the megathread RIGHT NOW and publish it???
It's weird how much the book explicitly quotes sources, but the whole book seems to push the idea of "NBs are the real oppressors" without nearly as much direct quotes
C'mon, Whipping Girl does not assert this. ...right? I am only ~100 pages in and c'mon, no it doesn't. Please, that can't be real. If it actually is I will unironically cancel Serano. I beg of you...
so, I went to the zoo yesterday with my wife. we were hanging out watching the giraffes, and then one of the giraffes started uh... there's no easy way to put this but started drinking the piss of another giraffe while it peed. my girlfriend, who has spent a lot of time around a lot of farm animals, says she's seen this before where sometimes males taste the piss of females to see if they're in heat.
anyways it was probably one of the most blindsidingly funny things I have ever seen and I forgive giraffes for being 56 million years removed from horses even tho they look like god damn horses
just remembered that i was joking about having the sticky out bits at the side in my hair like suletta (see picrel) a while back. and i realized that my dumbass has basically had this haircut since then because i keep trimming my hair "when it gets too long" (effectively i am perpetually keeping it in the awkward stage). is this profile picturative determinism?
now i just need to make the ahoge to complete my idiot transformation.
bosses look good especially mephiles and biolizard while metal overlord and black doom okay remind me more of generation than their own games tbh I'm not a big fan of generations and much prefer shadow 05 and heroes