Trans Megathread for the Week of 10/21 to 10/27
Trans Megathread for the Week of 10/21 to 10/27
Final Fantasy XI
Final Fantasy XI is the eleventh numbered installment in the… Okay, you know what it is, I’m just going to tell you about one of the storylines!
During the Wings of the Goddess expansion, adventurers will be sent back in time to experience the events of the Crystal War, a cataclysmic event that is the foundation for conflicts of the modern-day timeline. Should an adventurer choose to serve the Kingdom of San d’Oria, they will be immersed in the story of the Young Griffons—a group of children who would see themselves knights, many of whom grow into prominent characters later in life.
Among the Young Griffons, the player will find Bistillot, a shy boy who doesn’t like to be seen. With his penchant for engineering, shy demeanor, and lack of combat potential, Bistillot prefers to spend his time inside of an orcish war machine that he was able to repair to working condition.
He is often seen before he is heard, with his signature phrase, “HAAAALLOOOOOOOOO” being used to hail the adventurer. Through the course of the story, Bistillot finds his way, even contributing to the war effort with his engineering skills.
However, when another member of the Young Griffons is kidnapped and taken to the present day, the adventurer must return to the present day and reunite with the Young Griffons’ present selves! The adventurer’s first contact in the present day is Bistillot. When the adventurer hears the signature “HAAAALLOOOOOOO,” Bistillot approaches the player, but what the player sees is… a woman?? She introduces herself as Bostilette, a “friend of Bistillot.”
After the rescue mission, Bostilette comes clean. She is, of course, the very same Bistillot who was a little boy twenty years earlier. She explains that she was very sick as a baby, so her parents gave her a boy’s name so that she would be stronger and survive the illness. Once she overcame the illness, she was comfortable to reclaim her name and gender. Well, that closes the book on that story, except… I’ve decided that’s bullshit!
I have unilaterally decided that Bostilette is trans, the sickness she had was dysphoria, she stayed in the orcish war machine because she was an egg, and I hope you all agree!
Join our public Matrix server! https://matrix.to/#/#tracha:chapo.chat
As a reminder, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well. Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!
the list as it stands:
GenderIsOpSec (10/28 - 11/3) Zvyozdochka (11/4 - 11/10) oscardejarjayes* (11/11 - 11/17) HelltakerHomosexual* (11/18 - 11/24) GayTuckerCarlson* (11/25 - 12/1) Luna* (12/2 - 12/8) Eco* (12/9 - 12/15) * after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters
Ah fuck, I found it, in Whipping Girl! Here we go:
I have also met some people in the transgender community who feel that identifying outside of the male/female gender binary is superior to, or more enlightened than, identifying within it. Such people often express gender anxiety (binary-phobia?) at people who identify as either female or male.
I'm done, lmao.Yes, Julia, I am certain that A) being non-binary is something people do purely as a "moral high ground" kind of thing, B) that their expressions of negativity toward the gender binary are exactly the fucking same as cisgender people imposing their belief that men should be masculine and women should be feminine on others. I am certain.
Binary-phobia
This is where that weirdass bit about "genderqueer is a privileged identity only accessible to college students with punk rock haircuts" type shit in Nevada comes from, isn't it?Finally got around to reading the Gender Accelerationist Manifesto. It's a very good introductory text, and it's good the bear site recommends it so heavily, but i mostly had the feeling i was already aware of what was being discussed. The totality wraps up a communist, non-liberal view on intersectionality in a useful way, tho, and i found the statement that the trans experience isn't transhistorical because our conception of transness specifically exists in a post-colonial framework of gender quite eye-opening.
edit: i spoke too soon, the gender accelerationism intensifies
work related good feels
so i work at a preschool (every rightwinger in 50km radius just got really mad but doesn't understand why) and today one of the teachers told all the children of her class to thank me, by name, for the food that we gave for them.
It's actually really affirming to get a string of like 20 kids come up to you and thank you while also mentioning your name
10/10 would recommend
It's so nice to be free of the "what if I'm not actually trans" thoughts that used to plague this girl's noggin. Having the freedom to just to the shit I want to do and not do the shit I don't is actually the best thing ever. I've done so much gender stuff lately that I would have never done with those fears rotting me.
idk, internalized transphobia? romantic attraction brainworms about being perceived/not perceived as trans
How do I deworm myself of the
where I make myself uncomfortable every time I even notice myself attracted to someone?If it's a woman I'm attracted to, I'm worried about being perceived either as a weirdo effeminate bi guy and misgendered or the transphobic chud trope of trans women all being predatory lesbians doing Bathroom Crime or whatever
If it's a guy, I'm worried about either being misgendered by a queer cis guy thinking I'm a femmy cis gay, or a straight guy expecting a woman reacting badly and either being harassed or potential violence
All of these scenarios start like automatically in my head just from seeing an attractive (binary cis) person on TV or a stranger in public and realizing I'm attracted to them
My brain sucks ass dude
Maybe I really should be exclusively t4t and just completely dissuade myself of the notion of paying cis people any attention at all romantically
Seeing a pretty lady on TV and thinking about how she might get creeped out by me or a handsome guy and thinking he might kick my ass can't be healthy
mopey blogposting
Been trying to avoid trans spaces/content online (including here, though I’ve posted in the megathread a few times) for the last few weeks, trying to convince myself that I can just live as a feminine cis man, but now I realize I can’t do it. It’s not what I want for myself, and if anything my dysphoric feelings get worse from intentionally ignoring that.
I finally bought an article of girl clothes - a pair of gym shorts. Is that weird? Shorts? I want something fitted and the most fitted men’s shorts I’ve been able to try were still too baggy for my liking (though that’s probably for a reason that might become a problem with my new purchase… we’ll see when it arrives).
I’m still off the booze, will be a full 30 days tomorrow. I try to tell myself I started this for vague health reasons, but really it’s because I know orally administered HRT can be hard on your liver, and even though there are other ways, I want to at least have a chance of keeping it an option. This is probably the longest I’ve abstained for the past decade, so the damage might be irreversible, but it’s worth trying.
I'm applying for jobs (it's bleak, I'm on my second crying break today)
sad shit
I'm currently completing a "interview" with a chatbot, who is making me wait while it "types out responses" like a real person would.
fuck this garbage wasting my time, it's a shitkicking retail role for 18 year olds I'm not even going to hear back.
It wont even give me the chance to ask the bot "will I be discriminated against for being a transgender trade unionist?"
Previously took a break to make the most depressing comic I have ever made and I can't share it with anyone because it's like, too dark lol
Did @EstraDoll@hexbear.net ever clean her room? I never got to play legos.
cw: autism sensory issues, genitals, shaving
I must be cursed with the most unlucky body hair genes ever, I shave my bits and bobs and my butt and the next morning it's already grown back enough to have a little stubble and if I don't shave again that morning it ends up rubbing against my panties and really bothers me, like, bleh.
Makes me want to just stop shaving so I don't have to deal with the sensory problems but then ✨gender ✨ happens and it gets at me the same amount, if not worse. I hate my brain sometimes 
coming out stuff
I'm planning to visit my family soon, and I've been thinking about what to do regarding my grandparents. They're old, rural Europeans and I doubt they even know what a trans person is. When I saw them this summer it that was the last time I boymoded, and that just made me feel bad, and I can't just wear a sports bra and a sweater to hide things now, like I could then. What I've decided to so far is to just present fem like I normally do, and if they have questions I'll answer honestly, but I won't have a big coming out moment or be particularly insistent that they gender me correctly (at least for now).
Maybe it's a bit cowardly, but I feel like it's a good compromise so far, not actively hiding who I am, but hopefully not overwhelming them either. They probably won't say anything either way, because they're so ingrained in this annoying cultural idea that asking people anything that could in any way feel uncomfortable for you or for them is better left unsaid in every situation.
autism yapping
Running out of instant ramen leads me to reflect that they jacked the prices on all the instant stuff with low prep/cook requirements. I used to buy those Sidekicks-style pasta things, you're supposed to use them as part of like fettucine alfredo and stuff, but I would just eat them, autism. Microwaveable even. Used to be four for five bucks, now it's three for seven. Actual crime.
So this is probably why everything food related feels like a crushing depressing weight lately. Everything has to be cooked from fresh ingredients and then has three days in the fridge. It's exhausting I think, when I'm low on spoons I just wanna put something in the oven or microwave Idk. Putting soya sauce in the stir fry made me want those fucking instant teriyaki things again.
So screech, I hate everything, reee etc
flight landed. time to go be gay somewhere else now
About 2 and a half years into HRT and I... am fucking hot. It's such a good feeling being even slightly more comfortable in my body than I was before.
And I'll keep getting hotter and hotter.
had the urologist appointment (phallo related)
Not too much to say. He was willing to work with me despite the potential difficulties and had ideas for how best to go about it. He even mentioned ideas for scrotoplasty stuff, which would be pretty much fantastic if that worked out. More than anything, he said that he and the main surgeon are quite stubborn when it comes to finding a way to get a patient what they want. It may end up not working out when the time comes, but I'm relieved they're both willing to modify and try different things to figure this out. They get to be some of the very few to say they did it, so they'll get something out of it too
I was once again assumed to be detransitioning. I am not a masculine person, yet I have struggled to feel even qualified for feminity ever since this thing forced onto my body. I hate that I've had to clarify this for two different people now. Disco Elysium -1 morale each time. I already feel unworthy of it, i don't need people calling it into question even if it's just the default assumed cis error.
anyway, good news is back on the menu
successfully channeled my trans girl powers into fixing my computer today
All done moving in.
My dad said a weird thing at the airport before I left: “Be a shepherd not a sheep.” Then he repeated it on a voicemail.
The flight was smooth, except for the beginning, I was brave about it.
Used the men’s restroom at the airport despite someone ma’aming me earlier because I am a coward.
Iron Bru is overrated.That is all.
cw transphobia, struggle sesh
I was looking at some old struggle sessions Jack linked recently, and I guess because I am a digital self harmer, I went ahead and looked at the Trans Woman Dating "discussion" thread.
I Hate Cisnormativity I Hate Allosexuals I hate Absolutely Everything
While it's fun to see that the bearsite has improved by leaps and bounds, (huge amounts of accts in that thread are permabanned) it's not so nice to watch what had to happen. TC_69...
I like how all the right-wing attempts to create an alt-right pipeline for women have largely backfired. Classical Abby was laughed out of the room, pearlythings became a punching back, etc.
Then you see guys like Destiny and Asmongold. Cis men are apparently a lot easier to manipulate with a much lower bar of entry. You can look like a malnourished rat amped up on crushed Adderall with awful opinions and they’ll become your devoted cult members.
Waow these tucking pantys do be tucking well
https://hexbear.net/post/3762005?scrollToComments=false
statement on the recent serano thread
Hung out with my parents (whom I'm still delaying on coming out to) just wearing a tshirt and suspected it was kinda obvious my chest has changed a bit. Afterwards, I decided to ask my brother for extenal confirmation, and he confirmed. So that's cool.
lonely, yearning, confusion, sex
Feeling very frustrated by my sexuality right now. On the one hand, i need to have trust and a close emotional connection to someone in order to even experience sexual attraction to them in the first place. On the other hand, part of me is screaming for the strap.
Idk, im just tired and really aroused and lonely i guess. I dont want a dildo, i want a person to hold and be held by; i want to be partnered with someone(s), and have some kind of loving relationship(s), and have meaningful emotional connection and physical touch. But im also somehow both too much and too little for anyone, and need to fix myself before any of that can happen without it all ending in tears.
AH FUCK I WAS SPENDING SO MUCH TIME TODAY BEING A SAD BITCH I NEARLY FORGOT TO DO ME E SHOTS
my therapist more or less kind of straight up told me that i should either ask that one girl i like if she likes me back or to stop assuming that every girl dislikes me because they haven't told me explicitly otherwise. i guess i should probably ask if she likes me back but i'm like 96% sure the answer is no here and I'd rather not make this week any worse on me
god this week has been so fucking awful i hate everything
https://hexbear.net/comment/5055741
HAH! NOW I AM A GIRL IN PROG-RESS!
Sleep? What's that?
Sometimes you read a Whipping Girl quote and it's like
I think this is best captured by the psychological term "cognitive dissonance," which describes the mental tension and stress that occur in a person's mind when they find themselves holding two contradictory thoughts or views simultaneously - in this case, subconsciously seeing myself as female while consciously dealing with the fact that I was male.
and I understand what she's actually talking about, I can see through the bullshit fog, but fr this cisnormative bullshit is wearing on my mind.
This gender dissonance can manifest itself in a number of ways. Sometimes it felt like stress or anxiousness, which led to marathon battles with insomnia. Other times, it surfaced as jealousy or anger at other people who seemed to enjoy taking their gender for granted.
Indeed, how dare they... their genders...
I've now been on HRT for exactly 1 year!
Honestly it still feels like it's very new, and everything this year has been and is going to continue to be hard, but I'm still very happy about this. Unfortunately I can't celebrate it at all today since I'm quite busy, but I put on one of my favourite outfits to at the very least feel very cute.
I have now met two other covid-cautious chinese trans communists. it's so funny. (and one covid-cautious chinese trans anarchist, but i think they probably would not want me to call them a communist.)
Someone just asked for my pronouns! This is the first time someone outside of my family has, and I think he's cis too! To be fair, I'm not boymoding or anything like that...
I even said she/her! I didn't lie! I'm not going to use the neos IRL (at least for a while), and I'm kind of proud I could bring myself to answer with she/her. Feel like I'm making progress 😁
some thoughts on emotional repression, CW long post, childhood shit, some unkind things I've been called, references to homophobia, being misunderstood
been a while since I posted a proper thing here, been busy figuring some stuff out, tbh.
Anyway, so I was in a therapy appointment this past week and Cool Therapist noticed that when I talk about people or even when she says the names of my friends that I have extremely complicated feelings. Happiness - but then conflict, suppression, trying to stay neutral.
I've been mulling this over for a few days now, and I think I finally know what's going on here. I've always felt strong emotions about any person I am in contact with. I'm prone to mimicking and effusiveness, which since I was very young has been both considered "pathetic" or "clingy" and/or misinterpreted as romantic intent and I was bullied quite a bit for it.
But this morning I think I finally understand - I feel lonely because this is a form of masking that I've internalized. I got kinda fed up with myself this week and just decided that I'm sick of apologizing (to myself/to others) for the depth and kinds of feelings that I feel for people, and I did some reading on a-spec. I am grateful to the friends who heard me out on all of this stuff as I was trying to find language etc. even if it was quite intense and even upsetting for me at times due to the baggage I carry.
I discovered the Split Attraction Model. I discovered several different categories of attraction. I discovered the phrase "action is not attraction." Following is a snippet from my notes about different types of attraction in case anyone is curious (I took these from a couple of Youtube videos that I really liked, I can link his videos if anyone is interested in exploring deeper):
- sexual: feeling compelled to engage in sexual activity
- romantic: feeling compelled to date or be in a romantic relationship with someone (ed: this is a whole spicy thing really that I can go into, again, if there's interest)
- sensual: feeling compelled towards physical but not sexual (like when you really wanna hug someone)
- aesthetic: admiring someone's appearance and being compelled to look at them or draw them (I have mistaken this for other forms of attraction SO MUCH)
- platonic: feeling compelled to be friends with someone and spend time with someone in a non-sexual non-romantic capacity
- alterous: having a strong sense of admiration or desire towards someone, or feeling compelled to spend time with them, in a way that's hard to define as platonic or romantic
- gender envy: i wish i had that person's body, features, life (difficult to detangle with a crush) (YES this video maker included gender envy in his list, genius!!)
Anyway, I guess what I'm getting at is that now I'm aware that I've been hiding strong feelings from some people in my life, especially a friend that I've known for over a decade. So, last night, I told her that I was really grateful to be spending time with her. It was a small gesture, but suddenly I feel like for once in a long time, the intensity and pressure that is always building up inside me was finally expressed in the right way.
And the relationship cop in my head telling me that I'm feeling too much and that's wrong (the one that really likes terms like "outsized emotions" and "fixation"), well ... it is quiet (for now, at least, I am certain that this will not be my last battle with it).This probably seems really silly and minor to a reader, but the hard part that I've struggled with has been being able to express these emotions without them being misconstrued or having people be grossed out. The pressure builds up inside me because I internalized so much of other people's insecurities from a young age (whether it's being called gay (in a derogatory fashion), or accused of having a crush, or being called "creepy/clingy/pathetic," fuck heteronormativity etc.) that it creates so much conflict in me even just trying to have social connections that I felt trapped and lonely even by my deepest relationships because I simply cannot express myself honestly. In addition, because the feelings build up, they end up becoming stronger and stronger as well.
Today, I want to be free from all of that, and let myself actually be seen by not just my partner, not just my closest friends, but by everyone I trust. I am still working on being able to express upset/anger/etc. emotions to people, but expressing positive seemed like the easier of the two so I started there lol.
dissociation/dysphoria
I don't understand what's happening. Things should not actually be this hard for me. I should be okay. But I don't feel okay. Its wrong. I feel disconnected. And then I'll be reminded of the wrongness. I'll speak, or feel my body, or hear "my" name. I feel like I'm in a dream. But this isn't a dream.
self harm, scars
I have a very strong desire to sh. I have the accidental stuff from shaving, it hurts but I want more. There's always more. I'm somehow 13 days free from using something sharp. I can't sh. I don't want to keep getting more scars. I'm already upset about what I have.
hello new mega! i walked to class today. 0/10 do not recommend.
Update to this comment
I have been laying down some successful rizz
I'll keep it as vague as that. Saying more could entail... "violations"
Still no commitments, but I really hope she does come over sometime soon. I'll likely feel a degree of excitement previously never felt before when she does.
c/disabled has been created and is seeking moderators!
Only requirement is that you are disabled and a socialist.
Y'all can look at the previous mega, I was just having in gender thoughts, found a good name, and was wondering if and when my gender would change.
Well...
Guess who's back
Back again
[Femme name redacted]'s back
Tell a friend
might be getting ahead of myself, but it seems like it could and maybe has happened
Thesis: Binary
Antithesis: Non-Binary
Synthesis: Bigenderism
If you couldn't tell, I'm trying to make up for a shitty day at work. I wish I could say that wasn't literal.
CW: Dysphoria
spoiler
Had to go to the gynecologist recently because my dysphoria bits have been acting up, ordered more testing but there's not much I can do for the discomfort sounds like aside from baths. For the positive she mentioned yeeting some of the bits right away. Ideal world get rid of them all at once, when I see older people remove some out of necessity the surgery is totally draining and I lack good adult babysitters despite theoretically having like 4, I ran into that with top surgery recovery.
I saved up enough to get a rusty clank for winter and importantly found someone willing to sell me it, even when you have money people aren't so willing to part with their pos one step above scrap that barely runs and I wasted like 3 hrs at a dealer last week for them to throw the deal over a few hundred dollars. Anyway, today's clank drove two hours home and doesn't seem too bad, and I think aside from the rust I or relatives can repair the other things. I always worry about being snowed in and stranded at work, my current car is pretty low to the ground and I barely got around to fixing the heater core this summer, no fun driving in a freezing car when it's 15 below and you get stuck on side roads, especially since I'm a closer and if it snows past 5 or so those roads aren't getting cleared until morning. I'd like to celebrate 'yay new car' and a year or so of effort saving, but really it means whatever tiny bits of spare time I have are going to be playing mechanic and that's for the hope of a reasonable winter car. I have another k or so in reserve to do repairs since the price was a bit cheaper than expected.
Yeah I'm genderfluid
in the sense that most of the time I'm a she/her, but sometimes I'm an it/its. And it can be quite frustrating because I'll want to be a woman for the day, but then the it/its thought patterns will become too strong if I try to fight it and it'll take over the brain's main thought patterns, turning me into an it/its. Also sometimes this happens as a result of negative emotional stimulus. My two genders also just low key have different personalities, although it's not major enough to preclude interacting with other people, but honestly my other gender is much worse at socializing so we usually just end up switching genders back to deal with it. Although that often causes headaches. Ah whatever, at least most of the time the other gender is just some other thoughts in my head that sometimes I have short conversations with.
Being genderfluid is stressful!
I need to eat something today, I've had coffee so far, yeesh. Never made it a day without eating. Usually I have the opposite problem.
So a coworker is being hugely transphobic online. He doesn't say anything explicit at work, though he notably does leave the room whenever I or my trans coworkers enter the office. We are a culturally-specific organization that works with a lot of trans individuals. Leadership is saying that because he's just saying this stuff outside of work on social media, it's fine.
How do you work with someone knowing they hate you in their personal life?
FFXI Trans Mega, very cool.
If the health packs and pain killers and stim packs and health boosters in FPS style games were real, the standard FPS guy would probably have a failing kidney and liver and some other problems the amount they suck em back
That CANNOT be good for you. That is too many pain killers. I guess the in game alternative is dying to gunfire
internalized transphobia(?)
Does anyone else feel like they can't fully come out until they can 'prove' themselves? Like for example I can't help but feel like I'm 'not allowed' to ask for my desired pronouns/name from friends or my partner or people in general if I don't first at least get rid of facial hair and at the bare minimum sound like I'm voice training.
If someone bawls,
You pick them up
I have been Very Productive today (also check out my new extra pronouns! Wanted to try taking those babies out for a spin and seeing how they feel)
I wanted to take a nap when I got done doing everything but my brain wouldn't shut up so I drank a gay lil' energy drink and am gonna play vidya while the kitties are all napping
"Five" kinda sucks but getting to mow down zombies with an AK-74u as Fidel inside the Pentagon is neat
Estrogen stay winning
body image issues/maybe dysphoria?
It be cool if I was androgynous, been maybe not even a year since I worked out some better healthier eating habits/managing and or coming to terms with hunger. I want to keep pushing through but I'm also painfully aware of my self sabotage. Changing my weight something I thought was either gonna be constant at best or worse as depression kept piledriving me is scary. Main reason I've been thinking of gender recently is the small change I been seeing in my weight been making me feel I could be more than what I was stuck as.
While back my sister after moving out left a lot of clothes and well I tried some on. Shit was fun but a major damper was I'm built like a fridge so barely anything but the stretchiest stuff would fit. Maybe I'm just kicking it down the road to figure out but if I could flip from one side of presenting masc to femme that be fucking sweet but I worry if I even can. Caught between
and it's 
self sabotage coming in asking if it'll even be worth it.Been hearing the word fluidity and idk I feel like I can play around more as I lose more weight. Idk if I can get down to twink levels as originally planned but something different from what I am is a start. Anyway gotta go been holding up the wendy's cashier line
I visited a trans friend of mine, this weekend, and bought a couple of very cute dresses! :3
GOOD MORNING FUCKERS ✨ Replies from last mega:
@naom3@hexbear.net It would be way cooler and funnier if people just picked up your pronouns by default, but yeah I see they/them as a pretty good outcome tbh :)
@sneak100@hexbear.net Are you saying I should cowrite End Cisnormativity: Nothing Is Gendered with the megathread RIGHT NOW and publish it???
@WalrusDragonOnABike@lemmy.today
It's weird how much the book explicitly quotes sources, but the whole book seems to push the idea of "NBs are the real oppressors" without nearly as much direct quotes
C'mon, Whipping Girl does not assert this. ...right?
I am only ~100 pages in and c'mon, no it doesn't. Please, that can't be real. If it actually is I will unironically cancel Serano. I beg of you...weird gross thing an animal did at the zoo
so, I went to the zoo yesterday with my wife. we were hanging out watching the giraffes, and then one of the giraffes started uh... there's no easy way to put this but started drinking the piss of another giraffe while it peed. my girlfriend, who has spent a lot of time around a lot of farm animals, says she's seen this before where sometimes males taste the piss of females to see if they're in heat.
anyways it was probably one of the most blindsidingly funny things I have ever seen and I forgive giraffes for being 56 million years removed from horses even tho they look like god damn horses
kicking my feet up and enjoying not getting notifications anymore :)
Sorry for not posting too much. I finally figured out how to not believe the perception of urgency and importance that comes with my every thought. It’s kinda nice, but I find myself discarding comments because my perspective is irrelevant for better or worse.
close up camera shot of a corkboard. a hand comes into frame and pins a card with someone's name on it, along with a piece of red string. slowly the camera zooms out, revealing that the red string has been arranged in a heart around the name
Whipping Girl quote:
Let's face it: if cissexuals didn't have a subconscious sex, then sex reassignment would be far more common than it is. Women who wanted to succeed in the male-dominated business world would simply transition to male. Lesbians and gay men who were ashamed of their queerness would simply transition to the other sex. Gender studies grad students would transition for a few years to gather data for their theses.
Julia, you must know better than this, I'm sure of it. It's not like subconscious sex is the only thing standing in the way of this... the example of "succeed in the male-dominated business world" bears that out pretty clearly. They're not just unfathomable because on a profound, subconscious level, sex... This is so weird, is she going to go into Gender Accelerationist theory about gender fascism and shit or do I have to fill that part in myself?Also some of those examples are like, step away from the fucking lathe, miss.
>guy adds me from 4chan
>my post said no sex
>he keeps trying to take me on a date
>we have a rly good conversation anyway, he's well read
>eventually he says something that gets me flustered while im high
>tell him the next morning i just got out of a traumatic breakup and needed time to grow on my own, so not to expect anything to happen for a while
>he doesn't respond for a week
>just get "hi" a week later at 2am
>respond the next morning
>1 day later, now, he still hasn't replied
im unironically too poorly socialised to understand this behaviour. it sucks bcus tbh i spent all week half fantasising about spending my life together (sorry for posting cringe). can someone tell me what this means pleaseI hope the girl I like feels better by Saturday. We're planning on going up to redacted to pick pumpkins and have a girl's night carving them and I'm daydreaming just thinking about holding her hand and turning heads when they see two attactive girls walking around together and just... ughhhh
The first time I saw a photo of myself and didn’t feel disgust or discomfort was surreal. It’s still feels unreal every time it happens
@Josephine_Spiro@hexbear.net what time are we supposed to come over with our legos today?
[venting, advice wanted] For the last two months, I been putting up an old friend from a punk house since I moved into my house and couldn't leave out my lease. This friend has a lot of energy and motivation issues, and generally needs a lot of support. Beyond putting him up, I helped him leave out the punk house we used to live in that was getting evicted, got him a storage unit, and have helped out with about an errand a week. I was the first person he saw when he woke up from top surgery. I thought we were tight.
I asked him if he would help me clean out the apartment since I had been putting him up and he basically shrugged me off. On top of that, now he's trying to change the timeline for getting out, but I need to do it this weekend when I am off work otherwise it will never get done. He knows this and we discussed it weeks ago.
Thankfully, some friends have agreed to put him up for a week as an 'off ramp' but it still feels like I am evicting him sort of.
I feel shitty because he don't have a real place to go in the city. At the same time, I have done as much as I can with the energy and time I have available. It also feels shitty that we would probably be better friends right now if I had just left him on the street.
Some help sensemaking is appreciated right now.
if you get diagnosed with (c)ptsd, you should be allowed to take at least 5 years off just to heal
Slow work day and coworkers are watching football. Seems every other ad is some horribly transphobic shit now.
Went out with 5 other trans, enby, and/or pan folks last night in Osaka after pride and despite my Japanese being pretty mid had some great conversation. There was one other foreigner (who was so hot) that I talked with a lot, as well. Got everyone's Line and hope to see them again the next time I'm here. I wish I'd scheduled more days after pride so I could hang out more but there's always next time.
Finally got an invite to the local trans discord group. Buuuuuut the discord isn't accepting new members and now the link is expired.
CW: Dysphoria, mental health, questions about medication
After spending the last couple of days in a depressive/dysphoric hole, I have decided to go ahead and try SSRIs, and to get an HRT consult scheduled sooner rather than later. Obviously, dysphoria and depression are two different things, but I wanted to know if there were any issues with beginning the two around the same time, and if it'd be better to start one before the other.
why do we bother
It's 106 miles to the trans mega, i got a full syringe of estrogen, half a fifth of rum, it's not even october and i'm drinking fucked up christmas vodka. hit it.
✈️ weee
feel like I mess up a lot and could stand to be nicer to myself. things I suppose I'll think about while I'm stuck in the air for a while
Doing my best Elvira, Mistress of The Dark for a Halloween party tonight and look so fucking hot.
I have been practicing/learning the minecraft 1.16.1 speedrun recently. I've mostly been practicing my bastions, but I also did a bit of one cycling practice today.
(video might take time to load, I wasn't sure where else I could upload)
First success, only five beds too! Still a bit off from doing full game runs, but I was pretty happy with this.If my mind controlled my actions I would be unstoppable.
Now that I have 2 names, I find genuine enjoyment in having them chat with each other in my head, like a simulation.
What if everything is just a simulation and we're in the matrix or something?
Just got back from getting bloodwork, now to wait for results and hopefully I can get my E upped a little.
cw: Blood
Seeing my blood in the vial, I'm always struck by how it's such a lovely shade of red. This happens to me often with particular shades of colours, and I guess my own blood is one of those now. The dark red is such a deep and beautiful shade, and even the bright stains on white cloth are utterly delightful, such a... almost happy shade of red. This is probably weird to think about though.
now that I have my job and moved to an apartment the procedural barriers to actually doing something about my gender have all but eroded. Theoretically I could go to an informed consent place and get an HRT prescription. It's just really scary to consider doing that
I've found myself really consumed with doubt when I think about it, which has been less so now that I'm working full time and have less time to idly contemplate my identity. Truth be told, living as a guy feels... fine right now. Not great, but not the worst thing in the world? Shouldn't that not be the case?
I'm scared that I've been deluding myself for almost two years now. Cis people supposedly almost never think about their gender, it's said, but I'm unusual in a lot of other ways. What if I'm the odd cis person that does think about their gender? What if I'm tricking myself just so I get to feel "special" and not like a lame guy? Or what if these OCD symptoms I've been discovering with my therapist are behind all this, and it's just something I latched onto as an obsession that doesn't really mean anything about my identity after all?
I'm thinking about just going for DIY HRT so I don't have to show my face at a clinic if I turn out not to like it. That's giving me some hope, the idea that if a cis person takes the wrong hormones they feel like garbage. That way I know for sure, right?
Thinking about this gives so much anxiety, but I know that if it is something I want then every second spent waffling is another second wasted. My habitual over-analysis goes in circles. Makes me wish I just didn't have to exist so I didn't have to figure this out. I see my therapist tomorrow so I hope she has good advice for me
Holy shit there was a group of people in American revolutionary uniforms banging on a drum while waving Trump flags next to a commuter route.
I retract my statement about liberals being just as passionate/energetic as conservatives, this takes the cake. These people also set up a giant (largest I've ever seen) sign at the end of the road accusing democrats of stealing freedom. I was shocked at first, but by the time I was turning off of the road I was laughing my ass off.
- Think I fucked up my injection today. Usually I keep the needle in and count to 20 after I've injected to minimize leaking, but today I was looking another direction while counting and when I looked back the needle was already almost entirely out, and when I removed it a ton of fluid leaked out. I'm used to a bit of leaking, but not this much, it legit looked like everything that was inside the syringe.
I'll probably try to keep calm and just do my next injection next week instead of panicking and trying to compensate. The good thing is I've been planning to move my injections from saturdays back to thursdays so maybe this would be a good opportunity for that.
kids across the street are explaining hawk tuah to their parents
My brain has been extremely active lately, and so I waa thinking about the famous webnovel. No I have not read more, but months ago I made a big noise about a certain scene but did not reproduce it enough. Forgive me, I was not in the meow zone. Now that I am:
The scene of all time, from Unjust Depths 5.2 The Queen
Carmilla sat on the couch, and patted her hand at her side, urging Victoria to join her.
Smiling, Victoria took her place beside the Duchess. It was rare that she felt so comfortable.
She relaxed against the back of the couch and let her body lean against Carmilla’s side, feeling her warmth through her tight clothes. Victoria felt the Duchess’ hand settle on her shoulder first, and then glide up the nape of her neck, behind the back of her head, up to the base of her fluffy brown cat ears.
Victoria’s tail swayed contentedly as Carmilla’s fingers traced the firm cartilage.
Her fingers were so slender, so soft, brushing over the ear flap from the base to the tip.
Victoria’s whole body stirred as the duchess stroked her so gently.
She closed her eyes. From her chest, she let out a soft purr.
“How is this?” Carmilla asked.
A trimmed fingernail scraped where her ears met her head, delivering a rough sensation.
At first teasingly, but then with a firm and continuous rhythm.
Victoria’s hands kneaded on the couch. Her hips trembled. Tiny, almost surprised gasps escaped the Shimii’s lips. Carmilla teased her ears in the exact way that drove her mad.
First a scratch, then a firm rub from the fingertip, bending the ear; draw back for another scratch; repeat. Faster, building up heat each time. Victoria pressed her body against Carmilla’s, moaning gently.
“That’s what I love to see. My precious Varisha, in the glow of happiness.”
Hearing the Duchess’ voice cooing her secret name while scratching her ears, while feeling the warmth of her body and the firmness of her grip. It sent a thrill through Victoria’s chest and down her body.
“Call me by my special name, Varisha.”
In the midst of her passion, Victoria murmured it. “Mishagh–”
She felt Carmilla’s finger moving faster. “Beautiful. Such a good girl.”
Victoria’s tail shot straight up, quivering. She started to bow her head under the intensity of that touch.
The Duchess’ finger slid down Victoria’s ears a final time before lifting off of her head.
Victoria’s eyes drew wide with surprise. Carmilla took her by the waist, pulling her close.
“You’ll get more scritches soon. In the royal bed, next time.” She said, winking.
Carmilla’s finger traveled down Victoria’s cheek.
She lifted the Shimii’s chin and bent down to kiss her. Gentle, brief, but reassuring.
As their lips parted, Victoria’s head felt airy with contentedness.
“Soon.” Victoria cooed. She was letting herself be vulnerable. Letting herself savor it.
I would greatly prefer if Unjust Depths had more of this. Or, maybe if all of it was this. Perhaps there is related fanfic I should be reading, but my gay fiction is alarmingly lacking in meowing, I find.
Permanently Deleted
I have multiple mid granolas in my cupboard. I just discovered the one good one says it has fucking dairy derivatives in it. Should’a taken note of the “protein” label.
validity and body dysphoria
Some days I still wonder if I'm really trans or if I convinced myself of something something something.
Those same days I struggle to hold back tears as I stare at my own legs and compare them to my girlfriend's and think about how much hair removal I need to pass a vibe check in the mirror.
Such is life ig
In happier news I finished my last session of laser for this round and I'm really happy with the results. Gotta wait a few days or 2 weeks or so to let it grow out and see how it actually looks now so I can get a new referral. Gonna try and see if I can sneak the little hairs between my eyebrows as well as my sideburns in the referral.
i just spent a few hours thinking about how you could make a fantastic rpg set in Beleriand with you playing as a noldo. The prologue would end with a choice between Feanor and Fingolfin and you'd go through hundreds of years and end with act V when the valar come over to kick Morgoth back into hell. Your epilogue could be set in Rivendell in the third age or maybe you chose to go back to Aman or....well whatever. I hate copyright.
i just want my dumb fantasy franchise to actually get good games again. You cant even buy Battle for Middle-earth games anymore!Picked up sparking zero, but it didn't hook me, and I just refunded it. Been waiting for it for like a year.
I feel like I can't even touch the enemies. I played the tutorial, but I don't know how to do half the things the enemies do. Just feels really clunky to me. Also, the story mode seems incredibly bare bones and soulless.
Really depressing. I must have had hundreds of hours on Budokai Tenkaichi 3, and now I can't even clear the first few levels of this one. Ugh, I suck.
Kittenposting 💕 🐈⬛ 🐈⬛ 🐈⬛ 🐈⬛ 💕
Today's cativities mostly including napping and watching birds and squirrels out the window
Journaling, Navel Gazing
So I'm several hours away this week for work training. This is the same place I was at when my egg cracked back in January. It's really weird being back here since so much has changed. 6 months of HRT and a lot of therapy will do that I suppose. I spent a lot of time last night ruminating about the year so far, and the things to come. So I might as well journal my thoughts.
I can't believe the progress I've made. I have accomplished so much in my life this year so far. I've neglected so much for that last few decades and it feels good to get things done. On top of getting my life together, I also look so different and it's amazing. I have no idea how the cissies around me haven't noticed anything. Or maybe they have and just haven't said anything about it. I do worry about how much longer I can effectively boymode.
On the topic of boymoding, it really hit me last week that one day soon I'll boymode for the last time. That day is approaching and I'm sure I'm not ready for it yet. I barely go out in public in girlmode, though I am getting braver. I really need a new job before I can do anything major, since being outed at work would probably get me fired. Most of my coworkers, all of my management, and a lot of my customers are violently transphobic.
I've been applying for jobs like crazy. But I'm kinda on the fence about how to present for job interviews. I don't know if I should include pronouns in the resume, deadname and chosen name, or just use my chosen name. I am currently applying with just my dead name, and that's probably the easiest for the short term.
Outside of all of that, I want to start streaming regularly. I need to set a schedule and stick to it. I think that streaming will help me work on my voice, as well as help me with my general anxiety. I'm surprised at how anxious I get when I stream, or hang out on vrchat, but it is getting better.
Anyway, just want to end by saying I love all of you.
just remembered that i was joking about having the sticky out bits at the side in my hair like suletta (see picrel) a while back. and i realized that my dumbass has basically had this haircut since then because i keep trimming my hair "when it gets too long" (effectively i am perpetually keeping it in the awkward stage). is this profile picturative determinism?
now i just need to make the ahoge to complete my idiot transformation.
Finished Gender Outlaws now I be thinking of buckets of gender, I don't think I can finish another book before my birthday tomorrow
but glad I got through this one at least. Need to mind chew on some things for a bit will probably give it another listen later on since I also found the play part pretty entertaining Kate Bornstein's narration is pretty goateddysphoria, self harm, si, just really struggling idk
Last night was hell. This morning is more hell. I can't take it. This is all so stupid. I just can't. There's nothing to do. I'm scared. I feel hopeless.
I don't want to hit fat. I can't end up in the hospital.
This is just awful. No escape. No way to escape.
This is stupid, I don't understand why I'm flipping out like this or how to stop it. It just hurts. Everything hurts and I can't stop it. I don't know if things will ever be okay.
I can't take this pain.
edit
Well, self harm urges are gone for now. I don't feel amazing or anything but a lot better then I did earlier.
Dreamt I was looking into a mirror, I'm looking less monstrous and more real cute even. Gonna take this as a huge W for my mental health. Next year on my birthday things are only gonna get better, I'm getting out of this hole
I still feel kind of drunk, but a lot less.
I think my body only slept to work through the alcohol and now it’s abandoned me.Saw a really cute hockey player
thirsty shitpost
(To the tune of St. Vincent's "Sugarboy")
🎶 Hockey twinkkkkk 🎶
🎶Tickled pink🎶
🎶Give me two minutes of roughing🎶
🎶Outside the rink🎶
🎶 Hockey twinkkkkk 🎶
🎶You artic fox🎶
🎶High stick me please🎶
🎶Get in my box🎶
🏒
No longer drunk
Revealing critical lore to someone about themselves and leaving without giving any meaningful action to take
Today I wore quite the interesting outfit. I had to work with it being really cold this morning, while getting really hot in the afternoon. So, I ended up wearing my signature black cardigan with my Fire Emblem: Three Houses Black Eagles graphic tee instead of my sleeveless turtleneck. Additionally, since I wanted to wear a skirt, but it was cold in the morning, I wore my flared jeans with the skirt over them, as well as my black combat boots (I think they're combat boots). The flares at the bottom of the jeans poked out from the bottom of the skirt, so it looked a little weird, but it served it's purpose, I was never too hot or too cold all day
Anyone else marvel at how different people are in different places every day? Like I’m not in the exact same place same time every day, but I have a rather consistent schedule, and it’s weirdly random how many people cross my path. I think “why didn’t I see them yesterday or last Tuesday here,” and such. “How and why” for each occurrence. It’s fascinating but hard to investigate (do I make a spreadsheet? That would be weird and difficult.)
Today has been shockingly bland. Maybe I should take a break from my work...
been putting together this pokemon TTRPG. there's a couple systems out there, but they're all so damn crunchy with the combat. I've settled on just using showdown for actual battles.
putting together some kind of coherent world of what the fuck actually is pokemon is honestly the most difficultt part. like I tend to tell very political TTRPGs, but pokemon is just so obscure with what the fuck anything is because it's a dumb RPG for kids. what is the government? is the pokemon leauge the government? what do most people seem to even do for work? presumably taxes pay for the pokemon centre? are officer Jenny and Looker the only damn cops in this entire world? what's the regulation on owning a pokemon? how does the government control wild pokemon from starting a forest fire or blowing the electrical grid? just world building stuff like that
honestly, it's strange when you consider just how fucking HUGE pokemon is as a franchise, and yet has little to no TTRPG spin off community as other media properties do
this cider ain’t shit
Picked up my increased patches dose, hopefully this helps. My usual swap day is tomorrow so just gonna wait and switch to the new one then.
Dysphoria, TV static go brrrrrrrrrr
lot of tv static in my brain. idk how I want to present anymore. i could imagine how i want to see myself sort of but it's staticy now. fighting my desire to not take up space, hard
i don't know how any of this works
by what means is progress measured if nobody witnesses the journey? how do i understand how i want to be without observing and mirroring? is my concept of gender supposed to not reference other people?
idk what i can do to just not be seen as a guy, because as long as people treat me like a guy, i will be wrestling against the world to be seen. i will always have to override the instinct to respond like a man and it will always take me twice as long to speak up.
yapping, body hair
There's a passage in Any Other City by Hazel Jane Plante that gives me pause, which is cool because the book is kind of boring and underwritten otherwise:
We were spooning. She was small spoon, even though she had a few inches on me. I kept glancing down at the stray hair spilling out of her armpit. It reminded me of the cover for Patti Smith’s Easter, where she’s raising one of her arms to reveal a small nest of hair in her armpit. In retrospect, that’s the one spot where I regret getting laser, because a thatch of armpit hair on a woman is actually really hot. It offsets the softness.
Based, by the way, if u even care, but I wish I had this cool and based view. I don't shave mine but I don't really have any sort of view on body hair, it's just kinda there. "Offsets the softness"?
The posting cycle resumes:
I think I was a little silly earlier. My time perception is getting less crazy and I’ve been more mindful. Dissociation is not forever and paying attention to something leads to it changes. I’m still dissociated but I’ll stay optimistic. Maybe my cognitive strategies will keep anxiety at bay without full repression? Life remains a mystery that will continue on changing as it goes.
When the dysphoria got you feeling shaped like that Backrooms monster.
pan fried setian and tomaoes, with home made peso and pasta. bangin meal
omg I just styled my hair in a way that I really like and I think this will be my styling for the coming time. I have long hair for some time already, but always tried to do middle parting but that didn't work since my hair got in front of my eyes too much and since I'm beginning to bald it didn't look that good and my hair naturally went to the side part anyway. But now I realized I can do a middle part by tucking my hair behind my ears and let the hair sort of hang on my forehead. This hides my hairloss as well, since it looks full from the front.
https://hexbear.net/post/3777125 announcing traa's friendship with the be crime do gay webring
hello fellow trans comrades
i am currently feeling aimless because all im doing rn is waiting for my disability aid to be approved
does anyone have any suggestions on what i should do with myself? i usually draw or write but i feel a little too depressive for that right now
I really missed out on the trans survey while back, didn't work things out with readings until later so I never got past question 2
No more half measures, waltuh
Uh, no Walter, allow me to, uh, propose an interesting assertion... quarter measures, Walter, ah ah uh quarter measures. Thats half a half measyre
When, having chosen to cease worrying, things remain mildly dreadful.
As much as I love audiobooks I know I gotta work out my reading muscles, they weak af rn. I'll start small like reading past headlines and fanfics and work my way up
26 months on a 3 month waitlist I'm going to explode
Checking my lab results, somehow my T got back to male levels (14.2 nmol despite my increased spiro dose, last test (with the lower dose) gave me 4, first one at that same dose gave me 1, pre-E I was at 14.1). Midterms have been throwing my sleep into a mess though so I haven't been able to take them at a consistent time lately so I assume that's the issue rn, and I only took it an hour before the test, but I wouldn't have expected it to outright be back at male levels from that. Gonna have to figure out a time that I can stay more consistent on.
My E shifted a ton too, maybe because of the T being higher today and suppressing it? Last time it was 225 pmol, this time it's 184. No dosage change.
I rate this episode of ✨Gender Whiplash✨ a 10/10, very nice! Let's see what it brings when my egg cracks again next week. It's very strong, powered with nanomachines or something.
(Seriously though, why do I keep thinking I've figured it out only to be hit with more questions a few days later? Cmon brain)
you guys ever see when ducks do that thing where they just ravish peas? those fuckers love peas so much
I bought too many things in Japan and am at the point where I may have to get another piece of luggage to fit it all. That or wear all of my clothes onto the plane to make space. Despite this dilemma, I'm still mad I could only find volume 1-4 of the Sailor Moon Kanzenban and not all 10. No, I will not buy them new! I will spend hours scouring every used book store, it's fun!
I hate shopping for earbuds. There are too many options and too much information to consider and ultimately every one looks worthy of elimination from my consideration. I wish I just didn’t lose my last few pairs in the first place. All I want is something with good sound quality that I can hide with my hair. Is that too hard without adding mics and apps and cables for extra money?
Though I lost what could have been a good week to dissociation, it’s a beautiful day today. Even if my “rational” brain keeps telling me I have no good evidence when I randomly question whether other people exist.
Introducing my partner to https://adarook.bandcamp.com/album/ugly-death-no-redemption-angel-curse-i-love-you tonight, its good album and I like it
edit: how is every song relateable
sadge
Feeling kind of mogged by Quinton Reviews's sexy garfield costume, I know I set out on the road to twinkdom but still
The Green Team was fucking robbed in this episode of Baking Impossible!
It’s actually outrageous!!Okay riddle me this, chat:
My vinyl of F#A# has a normal ending on side A, and a loop that makes the record sound totally broken on side B. The sides are unmarked but there's a catalogue number etched in that has an A on one side and a B on the other, and also it seems like the track order matches the catalogue number lol.
What did they mean by this?
pic
Also this insert is pretty good
Permanently Deleted
watching the penguin, just repeating the line "i'm da penguin, babey"
HAHAHAHA! YES! YEEEESSS!!! I GOT A FUCKING PRESCRIPTION FOR PROG!!! 
and have her go on a rant about “authoritarian tankies.” Why are so many self described anarchists like this? 
.
yo they named a camo after orange book in da cawadoody!!
getting hoisted by the back of my belt and chucked out of the herpetological society meeting for referring to cloaca as "lizardussy"
and I got distracted and didn't play it. Pro move might be making some hot coco now then I boot up the game
<-- me today
Kinda feels like I'm never going to actually make the jump to doing gender irl.
:::
everyone who has ever written a music player program that reads tags, and hell maybe even the people who programmed the tags: why the fuck?
just built different/skill issue
