Trans Megathread for the Week of 2024-10-07 to 2024-10-13 - ETR 600
Trans Megathread for the Week of 2024-10-07 to 2024-10-13 - ETR 600
The ETR 600 is a class of trains built by Alstom, and are used on the routes between Roma-Bolzano and Roma-Trieste. The train tilts, using Pendolino technology, allowing higher speeds to be maintained through corners without causing discomfort to passengers. The trains are operated by Trenitalia, originally under the Frecciargento (Silver Arrow) branding used for trains capable of travelling between 250 km/h and 285 km/h, In 2022 they were rebranded under Frecciarossa (Red Arrow) after the Frecciargento branding was retired.
The ETR 600 has also been adapted for use in China as the China Railway CRH5 Hexie. Initially 60 sets were ordered, of which nine were manufactured by Alstom and 51 by CNR Changchun Railway Vehicles. Since, another 80 sets have been created for a total of 140, operating across China's north from Beijing to Ürümqi.
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mental health, downer, ramble, reflection
Im not doing to well. Im not really a person. Im a mirror. I reflect the person Im talking to. Its why groups are hard for me. I become who Im interacting with. Or i become what they want me to be. I dont like it. I dont like being around men, because i reflect and become them. Im not a boy. Im a girl. I dont want to reflect and become them.
I love everyone around me. I mirror them, then i love them. Because if i love them then its kinda like loving myself. When I want love and care i provide love and care to others. I hope that they will give me love and care. If i can make them happy they can make me happy. If i love them hard enough then i will feel loved. If i am them, and i love them, then i love myself. Thats not how it works. But i keep pretending it is. Im not them. I want to stop being a mirror. I want to love myself. But how can I if I dont know who i am?
I want to want things. Im afraid of it. If im someone else, i can stop being them and be a different person when im rejected and discarded. I can seperate everything out. Compartmentalize. Im very good at compartmentalizing. What if what i want is wrong? Stupid? Poor taste? Hurtful? Insulting? I want to want things. I want to want. I do want. At least a little. I want faery lights strung in my room. I want nice bedding thats cute and pink and wonderful. I want the things I didnt get to have growing up. It all costs money. I have no income. I cant justify the expenses.
I cant even justify lazer. It would bring me relief. It would make things better. But i cant justify it. I should justify it. But i cant. I tell myself its too much, ive made it this far with visible shadow every day, ive made it this far bleeding from my face whenever I shave. So whats one more day? Just one more day. One more. No tomorrow, just today. One more day. One more. Only one. If i cant justify fixing my face, how can I justify faery lights? Or nice bedding? Or cute pillows?
I want other things sometimes too i guess. But those arent worthwhile, they dont have emotional value. Theyre fun, but dont carry weight in my heart. Theres a difference. I want to want from my heart. From my emotional center. Not from activity. Not from analytics. From my heart.
Activity is so much, but its just a way to avoid talking to people. I want to want things because wanting is an aspect of being a person. I want to go here. I want to eat this. I want to talk to you. I want to play this game. I want. The wanting is the core of movement through life. I dont want, so i dont move.
I want to be vulnerable with someone. Share my entirety with them. My physical mental and emotional self. But i dont know who that self is. How can I share something with someone when I dont know what it is? Its not a box I can hand to them. Its abstract thoughts and feelings.
I want faith and hope in the future. I want to know that it will all be ok, i will be ok, my family and friends will be ok, we will be happy.
I want a happily ever after. I hate that we grow up with that narrative ending. It doesnt exist. But i want it so badly. I want to not have to worry and just be happy. I want my story to end, and end with a "happily ever after". I dont want to write anymore. The book has no more plot points, no more movement. Its been stagnant for so long, and will not move further. I want to stop writing my story. I want it to be over. I just want to write "happily ever after" and thats it, its done, period. End of sentence. End of chapter. End of book. End of series. End of story. 𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓔𝓷𝓭
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Yeah, I have the mirror issue as well. I'll just become whoever I'm with most of the time, and it results in me being unhappy. It's something I got a bit better with, but now everybody I adjusted to is gone, and it seems to reset based on the person. So, I go to work, which is mostly guys, and I am practically mute, to the point where they comment on the fact I only talk when I need to. I really don't want to end up mirroring them, but it does slip. I think it's because my mind believes that being a chameleon (what I've always called it) makes interactions go smoother.
Also, those feelings of wanting to be vulnerable with someone, even if it's just a close friend, have been hitting me really hard since transition. Like, I've been numb so many things up for so many years, and now I'm feeling so much, and I want to share that with someone. Loneliness hits much harder for me now, and I feel it often. I worry I'll never have someone like that, because I've never even had anybody I could be close with. I've been more distant with my friends than most people are, now that I think about it. Makes it really hard to establish any sort of new connection...
Sorry for the long response, I just know how you feel and relate to what you said. I'm hoping that things get better for you :cat-trans:
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I responded to lilypad a bit too ... but I wanted to say something to your second paragraph if you don't mind...
Also, those feelings of wanting to be vulnerable with someone, even if it's just a close friend, have been hitting me really hard since transition. Like, I've been numb so many things up for so many years, and now I'm feeling so much, and I want to share that with someone. Loneliness hits much harder for me now, and I feel it often. I worry I'll never have someone like that, because I've never even had anybody I could be close with. I've been more distant with my friends than most people are, now that I think about it. Makes it really hard to establish any sort of new connection...
I'm going through this right now - I have been unearthing some stuff in therapy, discovering what it actually means to be ND and how much I was masking and how complicated things are for me under the surface, so even though I transitioned a while ago it feels like a rebirth for me too. I wish I had a formula I could share for easing that loneliness, but I decided that online people can be Potential Friends, too, and that made it easier, as well (I'm not as well spoken IRL lol).
Sometimes I wonder how many people out there really are like me fr fr, the kind of people I can talk to for hours at a time until it's late at night about one of 80 things we have in common. I'm a lot of things: trans, AuDHD (probably), newly vegan, too old for school, communist, demisexual (probably), non-binary, interested in hi-fi, old games, tech, some very specific kinds of music, programming, queer theory, and people and the ways they think... It should make it easier, but I'm not sure I'd get along with someone who wasn't most of these things with me, which makes it difficult. And being close friends with NTs seems right out for me, I'm probably not really even going to try that...
I wish I had a formula I could share for finding people, but it feels more like luck and chance... for instance, I met my partner at work years ago, after giving up on relationships entirely for a couple years... how would I have found him, otherwise? I have no idea...But I now know it is possible, not just to find romantic partners, but intense platonic ones as well. That's all I can really offer: it is possible.
I do have a moment with each new relationship (regardless of type) where I need to decide whether or not I really wanted to Try, you know? Like, I had to shut up all the parts in me, and say "yeah this could go badly and I could get hurt... but I want to try anyway." I think that was the hardest part. Being willing to be authentic and allowing myself to feel positive emotions in front of new people, despite all the hurt, ghosting, rejection, bullying, blatant transphobia, etc. in my past.
Thanks for you response, it means a lot
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I am not going to do your post justice, I thought it was beautiful, tbh. lots of relateable things for me in there... I only have a few things I really can respond to...
I want to be vulnerable with someone. Share my entirety with them. My physical mental and emotional self. But i dont know who that self is. How can I share something with someone when I dont know what it is? Its not a box I can hand to them. Its abstract thoughts and feelings.
;_; but ... I do want to say, it looks to me like you just did, a little bit?
Im a mirror. I reflect the person Im talking to. Its why groups are hard for me. I become who Im interacting with.
this reminded me of my people pleasing issues. I tend to try to assimilate IRL around people like a lot ... lately I've been trying to slowly let go of the mask, but it's taking a long time... I prefer talking online, where I can think and speak at my own pace, and I don't have the pressure of someone staring at me waiting for me to say something, I can take my time.
What if what i want is wrong? Stupid? Poor taste? Hurtful? Insulting? I want to want things. I want to want. I do want. At least a little.
I feel this. I hold back a lot with my opinions when I'm around more than one person, or when I don't trust someone, and also in general. I'm working on it, just pushing against those "people will hate me if I share my opinion on Y" feelings a little each day...