officially alcohol free for a fortnight default-dance

In a thread on shit.justworks calling us names for having the 'we're banning misogynists' thread, users are literally arguing over the definition of transphobia, and not banning the transphobes, oh yeah

I had an exhausting downer of a day but these fluffy doofuses make it a little better

They have their own barstools so two of them can look out the back door at the same time when the sun's out but they always want to crowd each other sitting together and that's very sweet to me cuddle

Hearing myself over someone’s mic in voice chat aubrey-pain

My hairless estrogenized body was not meant for the cold madeline-scared

POV: trans reddit

i-am-adolf-hitler maybe-later-kiddo i-love-not-thinking liberalism

i literally have no idea what i would do without hexbear you guys are the only thing that keeps me sane

Seeing the cis lads cry about being "discriminated against" because of "my gender which I didn't choose" PICK A BETTER ONE LOSER michael-laugh

I love you all. Be trans be gay be yourself be happy :)

I should make a hexbear account

down bad and it hits harder than it used to trans-sad

florida is not so noice, comrades

🙂🙂🙂

it would be funny if someone wrote a script to temp ban all he/hims for 1 day on april fools

the existence of a trans mega has made the main mega much less interesting

Permanently Deleted

Big gender moves on Hexbear this week. leslie-shining

made the c/disabled comm request comfy-cool

an old lady at work called me "dear" earlier. I'm pretty sure that's a unisex term but honestly I'd rather be called dear than ma'am so I'll take that as a win

I dunno what Floridians are gonna do, like, long term. People lived on Florida for millennia, but the particular western way of living and the western mode of builidng/habitation along with climate change means I don't think people can live there like... anymore (unless one if the above changes). Hurricanes aren't going to stop. You'll still need insurance for a mortgage, or maybe they'll just stop offering both in Florida. It's not like there will be a collective effort to rebuild, there wasn't for New Orleans, they're still fucked over.

I think hexbear.net is a safe space to be online for transpeople, nobody's perfect, but this place is alright

I did just see the 'grr cheaters' thread from last fortnight, and haha wow, there's some people on this website who need to 'touch grass', (I hear the grass is nice in Siberia)

in lighter news: I realised I've been using neo pronouns ('ey/'em/'er/'im) and its just because i speak with kind of a drawl or something

ALRIGHT NERDS madeline-stare

Bought a couple fuckin, As Recommended By Hairsnobs (r/curlygirl rec) shampoo and conditioners. Primarily the HE Jojoba + Lavender curl conditioner, and the hemp oil frizz control shampoo. Only my fourth or so shampoo/conditioner combo. Please work.

damn i think i could make a plan to transition to look like this in about 5 years

Everyone always told me I acted like a bottom long before ever realizing I was trans but I never really felt like I actually wanted to do that in bed

and then I started E and good lord has it turned me into something completely different now panting

"I've never done anything with a boy before... please be gentle..."

I could pull it off. Cmon.

Idk if I have the heart to tell my work apprentice that I’m not a woman, haha. She sees me as a “strong woman in a male dominated field” and I think I’m ok with letting her think that for now, since she can see herself in that image. But I can’t do it forever. Fortunately I think she’ll be cool with it when I eventually tell her I’m nonbinary.

Howdy beautiful people, I've made a post outlining our planned next steps regarding the site's misogyny problem here, please have a read through it when you get the chance hexbear-trans

thank you all for posting a bunch so i can do upvotes instead of laundry please keep it up i don't want to do laundry yet

I have so many things I want to do

I'm still grinding away learning frontend coding stuff
Started learning Japanese finally (almost done learning hiragana)
I want to write stories again
I want to make videos again
I want to see more places, especially more countries

So much to do, maybe I'll even do it

BIG cw: loss, sadness, sui

spoiler

feeling kinda down, ive been remembering some of my past failures as an organizer for mutual aid stuff in my locale and not reacting quickly enough due to technical or time issues. like i get its not my fault that this happened and is largely an infrastructure/trans people being poor issue/not having enough free time... but still. i think its so important that we build up a mutual aid structure that is highly centralized (but can be replaced if it breaks down) so we dont lose people because we didnt respond quickly enough. things like the trevor project / the phone hotlines are ok, but we really need a setup that can receive messages and respond to other trans people so they dont fucking off themselves before we give them, food, housing, medical stuff... stuff that would have solved their problems.

im hoping someday we'll have all of our shit lined up. im fucking tired of the nth trans related charity that has a long drawn out process of means testing rather than directly assisting trans people as quickly as possible. im not like, super depressed or suicidal or anything anymore, just really sad for the people that are.

The cissies in my life are absolutely clueless. I can not imagine what they think when they see me. They must think this is just what I look like with long hair and a shaved face. But when I catch a reflection of myself, all I see is my mom.

Hey Trans comrades, got a question about questioning. If it's inappropriate to do this here, lmk asap and I'll delete. Don't wanna intrude in an undesirable way but pretty sure I'm not breaking any rules.

So I've said before that I feel no strong attachment to my gender, but I live daily as a masc-presenting cis-man and am not bothered by it. But the Q-label is always something I've questioned whether I can apply it permanently to myself. Seems like I'm constantly questioning, for years, what kind of gender would really apply to me because just "average Man" doesn't seem like me, but nothing really does either (not even agender). But I'm confortable enough with myself that I think I will never do anything except continue enjoying the questioning itself and learning from that questioning about myself and others. But I comfortably just go with cis-man and feel intrusive in queer spaces as anything but an Ally.

So the final question, is Questioning dialectical and possibly permanent for 1 person or is it dialectical as in it will have to be subsumed in something else during a person's lifetime (assuming you get the chance to complete such a thing)? Any comrades that have experience here want to pitch in? Ready to learn :denguin:

trying to tell a girl i like her by thinking about her all the fucking time and not saying anything to her

god she's the cutest thing i've ever seen ♥️♥️♥️

Yapping, 'boymode' theorising

We say that the cis are easy to fool, unobservant and to an extent that's absolutely true. But I also think that it's more about cisnormativity: not only are the cis not keyed to think "this person is changing their gender" of course, but also as a result they want to believe that the gender is the same. So even if their kid has inexplicably grown something chesty under that hoodie, why investigate when they are reassured by said kid that they're Still Totally A "Boy" For Sure, y'know? They have no vested interest in anything outside the gender status quo, usually, I think.

found a friend's reddit account and boy have i lost a tremendous deal of respect for them as a person

yep. the day i was worried about when starting HRT has come. my tits are too large and visible to hide under my shirt anymore

eh. it was high time to stop pretending to be a man all day

Had two medical appointments today and both predictably asked for a list of prescriptions I'm taking. Decided to list E and spiro for both (usually I haven't)... both times the only prescription either nurse asked about was the E/spiro (and for the second one, I just listed off like 6 other prescriptions, perhaps mispronouncing some of them and never was even asked to repeat any of them).

The spiro, I can understand given its also used as a bloodpressure med and a diruetic. How many other uses are the for E in people with a "Sex: M" on their medical chart?

lmao, my dumbass was tapping the comment box in the old thread for like a full minute wondering why it wouldn't work i-love-not-thinking

all these idiots getting raptured didn't even take their clothes and money and stuff with them

they may have got into heaven, but i have their doc martens

you aren't sexy? easy fix

put on bralette
put flannel over it. don't even button
combo with whatever pants you like

congrats girl, you're the sexiest bitch alive

I successfully convinced the gender clinic I'm trans enough to go on the bottom surgery wait list 💪

Now it's only another year long wait

why the fuck does planned parenthood keep telling me that "Estrogen that makes you look like Misato Katsuragi" doesn't fucking exist. I know it does, hand it over! honk-enraged

I love epilation. I'm so awful at shaving but epilating is my JAM i'm so goddamn smooth now everywhere and it's a euphoria machine.

kyle god damn... that girl in the mirror is getting some curves

I love trains even though Amtrak is the limit of my experience. When i ran away from home at 16 I took trains all the way from the east coast to Portland. It took 48 hours on the Empire Builder out of Chicago. A liberating, magical journey for me from hell to heaven.

Everyone on the train was super nice to me, I ate with strangers in the dining car and compared to crossing country on Greyhound it was extremely deluxe.

There is a train on the west coast called the Coast Starlight and it has a magnificent observation car with huge padded chairs that swivel to face outwards, and the walls are almost all clear. If you're lucky you can sit on the ocean side and just chill out to the most breathtaking scenery for hours.

up with trains!

Complimented a person at the coming out week march on having cool pins of bands and 80s gay rights symbolism but after that I saw they had a fucking 🇺🇦🇮🇱🇹🇼pinset that I didn’t notice lmfao I hate this fucking place agony-wholesome

estrogen patch in the shape of a womb tattoo

sadgirl posting

Got on E today, and was told by someone in the community I was getting fucked by my doctor. I was given 2mg estrogen tablets and 5mg fin tablets.

They told me to take 1/2 an e tablet twice, and 1/4 a fin tablet once a day. (2mg estrodoil and 1.25finastride per day total.) Was told in trachat that this was completely useless as it stands.

Still unsure but it feels disheartening to hear. I also meant to come out to my mom tonight but couldn't work up the courage and shes already asleep.

This was supposed to be a fucking landmark day, like the first day of things getting better and I feel like I'm just more behind I fucking hate it. This was supposed to be a good day and its just turned to fucking shit.

I wouldn't want to be cis, but fuck sometimes I wish I wasn't trans.

mmmmm gender

omg trains mega

Today is my birthday!

Instead of seeing what today does to me, I'm kinda deciding that it's a good day because it's my birthday and going forward

I have classes all day and idk if anyone knows that it's my birthday but whatever

@EstraDoll@hexbear.net when are all 17 of us getting together for legos today

need a big button that says "please flirt aggressively. i am very dumb and can't do it back"

I have become puppygirl

Permanently Deleted

I work in a queer culturally-specific organization and it makes shit so much worse when we do harm. I'm having a bit of a crisis about it all.

cw sexual harassment, familial abuse, racism

I reported a client for repeated sexual harassment, and rather than ending services, my coworkers convinced his homeless sister to sign a lease where she pays his rent while continuing to live homeless herself. We had known about and documented several instances of abusive behavior before this, but they still went through with it.

Then we had a staff meeting where my boss said we could "speak freely and without consequences" and a coworker reference "whistling at white women" when I said I didn't appreciate being called "babygirl" and having my body commented on during every case meeting. Apparently I just can't take a compliment.

There's a lot that happens here that's like "lmao I'm sure glad right wing media doesn't know what's going on in here", but this actually shook me, and the accusations had me self-critting all weekend about my response to being sexually harassed.

well, my parents now know that i’m planning to try to get mobility aids (an electric wheelchair if possible). i think they’re adjusting to this new normal of me not being healthy anymore, even though this isn’t new to me. idk maybe it’s just because we aren’t in the same house rn but they actually seem to be taking my health issues seriously this time.

t4t = team 4tress two

t4t venting

disclaimer : none of what i'm about to say here is directed at anybody on this site. just processing some past stuff that's reddit-logo related if anything lol. furthermore, my intention is not to dictate what is & isn't a valid way of being trans, but to relate to you a very certain kind of individual yearning.

cat-trans

so it kinda hit me that the lack of leftists around me eventually got me stuck on this track of, like, expecting potential t4t contacts to at least not make me feel like an alien. boy was i ever a fool what-the-hell like, ok, how can i possibly expect the cissies in my life to understand where i'm coming from, when even the trans individuals i meet are clueless libs as a rule agony-turbo

like, i identify as a transfem enby, basically, which seems to be way too complicated for most folks, trans or not. & ofc on a rational level i understand that people are gonna people. even those who mean well tend to have an extremely limited idea of gender. still, i'd be lying if i said it wasn't outright painful to keep running into siblings who were content to be reinforcing the very things that are designed to hold us down.

i'm trans, first & foremost. all that i am beyond this is more or less directly due to the trauma of having to grow up in, navigate & survive a patriarchal society. i can not & will not forget what created me. i suppose it must have made sense to me that, finally connecting with "my own kind," it would be a common sentiment.

I'M FREE!!! I'M NEVER DOING A SHIFT WITH THIS GUY AGAIN!!!

He's not even bad, a few of my co-workers were talking shit (although idk what rumors were true or not) but HE DOESN'T STOP SMOKING. My poor asthmatic lungs still feel it, was coughing up a storm 😖

SA

I keep having dreams where people overpower and grope me, but half the time I can’t tell if my brain intends it to be a horny dream or a nightmare

sex sad shitpost

I spent like an hour prepping and trying to Get There from Butt Stuff and all I got was this lousy shitpost

👕

There I was, watching a trashy reality TV show when I spotted men with thick, hairy, juicy thighs and suddenly experiencing the desire nay urge to fuck them. Thighs were always a more femme thing for my bi brain, and now they've made the leap to universal hotness signifiers like big ol butts.

My god, what has happened to me

hey someone tell me that they're coming over to my place and want to fuck. my room is a mess and i need motivation to clean it. we don't have to fuck and you don't even have to come over actually

EDIT: i come back to hexbear and there are 5 fucking trans people in my notifications saying that they're coming over to play legos today wtf??

More names from wife, hot off the press

Stalinist Starlet 😁

Trotskyist Tigress 🤮

Just got rejected from a job because of my height 🥲

dysphoria

God, I hate being tall cri Even before my egg cracked I hated it, and now I hate it even more. My life would be so much better if I wasn't tall.

chronic illness, doctors

went to urgent care today about my current fatigue crash and damn, i wish the nurse practitioner who saw me could be my gp. she validated my chronic fatigue symptoms, she actually suggested it may be me/cfs (!!!), and she told me that the previous gps i saw who wrote off my chronic illness as just depression were wrong and that i should keep advocating for myself. she actually said that i should find a new pcp because my old pcp was not taking my issues seriously. i have never felt so validated from a medical professional before. i honestly want to cry just thinking about it.

I got my 8 hours of eep, why still eepy? :trans-sad:

i can't sit upright for more than a few minutes without feeling like i'm dying cri

Feeling kinda gay this morning (13 WEEK COMBO)

On one hand, wearing a tank top makes me feel more femme. On the other hand, it reveals arm hair. On the third hand, women have body hair. On the fourth hand, my arm hair is too dark even after it's been shaved recently.

CW: Reddit-tier bit.

On the fifth hand, where are all these hands coming from! joker-gaming

Spiro has ruined my ability to sleep through the night. I have to pee every two to three hours, no exceptions.

I've basically accepted that I'm now biphasic and need a siesta to get through the day. 😅

my wife got a callout to go get a corpse at 1am, so I have made some fried rice for when she gets back. shout out to 1am fried rice, it's good shit

I'm working on fixing up my life, chat. What do we think:

Switch from American to Chinese cigarettes

That's all I've got right now but I think it's a good start

Just got my first set of makeup. Eyeliner, Lipstick, and Concealer. I got too light of a concealer, which is a great start, but I think with the proper foundation I can make it work. Eyeliner tho niko-happy

I look into the mirror and I now see a cross between a twink and a butch lesbian so that's exciting

Oh yeah I remember why I hate discord with strangers

Cursed with my voice 💀

drugs

tried adderall for the first time, definitely feeling better now :3

after finally coming back to lemmy and seeing that dredge tank post i checked the comm and theres literally a guy calling me transphobic talking about a comment i made 6 or 7 months ago from a lemmy.ml account i used to use calling someone out for being a weird chaser and being gross towards trans women which the person responded to by saying their partner is a femboy so theyre absolved from all blame

the average lemmy user is literally this:

the one american spelling i will concede is estrogen. oestrogen just looks weird

I'm so sick of having no motivation not gonna lie

Really quite annoyed at myself and how many decisions I made to make other people comfortable in the last few years

pee

transphobia is some bullshit. i thought everyone liked pretty girls but so many people seem dead set on stopping me from becoming one? what gives?

mental health, downer, ramble, reflection

Im not doing to well. Im not really a person. Im a mirror. I reflect the person Im talking to. Its why groups are hard for me. I become who Im interacting with. Or i become what they want me to be. I dont like it. I dont like being around men, because i reflect and become them. Im not a boy. Im a girl. I dont want to reflect and become them.

I love everyone around me. I mirror them, then i love them. Because if i love them then its kinda like loving myself. When I want love and care i provide love and care to others. I hope that they will give me love and care. If i can make them happy they can make me happy. If i love them hard enough then i will feel loved. If i am them, and i love them, then i love myself. Thats not how it works. But i keep pretending it is. Im not them. I want to stop being a mirror. I want to love myself. But how can I if I dont know who i am?

I want to want things. Im afraid of it. If im someone else, i can stop being them and be a different person when im rejected and discarded. I can seperate everything out. Compartmentalize. Im very good at compartmentalizing. What if what i want is wrong? Stupid? Poor taste? Hurtful? Insulting? I want to want things. I want to want. I do want. At least a little. I want faery lights strung in my room. I want nice bedding thats cute and pink and wonderful. I want the things I didnt get to have growing up. It all costs money. I have no income. I cant justify the expenses.

I cant even justify lazer. It would bring me relief. It would make things better. But i cant justify it. I should justify it. But i cant. I tell myself its too much, ive made it this far with visible shadow every day, ive made it this far bleeding from my face whenever I shave. So whats one more day? Just one more day. One more. No tomorrow, just today. One more day. One more. Only one. If i cant justify fixing my face, how can I justify faery lights? Or nice bedding? Or cute pillows?

I want other things sometimes too i guess. But those arent worthwhile, they dont have emotional value. Theyre fun, but dont carry weight in my heart. Theres a difference. I want to want from my heart. From my emotional center. Not from activity. Not from analytics. From my heart.

Activity is so much, but its just a way to avoid talking to people. I want to want things because wanting is an aspect of being a person. I want to go here. I want to eat this. I want to talk to you. I want to play this game. I want. The wanting is the core of movement through life. I dont want, so i dont move.

I want to be vulnerable with someone. Share my entirety with them. My physical mental and emotional self. But i dont know who that self is. How can I share something with someone when I dont know what it is? Its not a box I can hand to them. Its abstract thoughts and feelings.

I want faith and hope in the future. I want to know that it will all be ok, i will be ok, my family and friends will be ok, we will be happy.

I want a happily ever after. I hate that we grow up with that narrative ending. It doesnt exist. But i want it so badly. I want to not have to worry and just be happy. I want my story to end, and end with a "happily ever after". I dont want to write anymore. The book has no more plot points, no more movement. Its been stagnant for so long, and will not move further. I want to stop writing my story. I want it to be over. I just want to write "happily ever after" and thats it, its done, period. End of sentence. End of chapter. End of book. End of series. End of story. 𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓔𝓷𝓭

Debasing myself at the feet of the queer ND-friendly hairdresser like "I'm sorry it's such a mess my mother never taught me hair care ooooooooooooooh "

Are undercuts considered generic now? Are they associated with capitalist sholk like Marvel characters now? ohnoes Oh no, do I need to change my haircut?!

Just made an appointment to get my ears pierced. This will be my first piercing, and I'm honestly surprised I was against it for as long as I was. Can't wait to be able to wear earrings aubrey-happy

You know, sometimes I just think about how many wild turns life can take you. When I was a kid, I honest to god had no idea where life was going to take me. All of it seemed so mysterious and unimaginable what it would even be like

Today I looked down at my copy of Settlers. Inside of it is a little business card reminding me of my next Planned Parenthood appointment, and I'm off to go get my eyebrows done this afternoon. "A copy of Settlers with an HRT appointment reminder card". God, this really is just how life turns out, huh? My eight year old ass never would have guessed in the slightest

Every now and again I go back and listen to the “Find a Pet” song from mlp.
Idk why.

I got cute new girl clothes today and I'm really happy about that. Including a super soft pink jacket. I'm gonna look so cute for therapy today

The lady at the Visa office said I look no older than 21 when she saw my age.
idk how much of that was just flattery. lea-blush

I'm sorry for being so naive but I was charmed by Tim Walz initially. And his work as governor seemed promising.

So I know that I deserve to be disappointed but it was actually disorienting to see someone who reminds me of my best friends Dad war mongering in regards to Iran .

We just can't have anything nice, can we.

not sure if I should spoiler. What should I even write as spoiler? Weird... existential moment?

I've had these weird moments where I have some existential moment where I go "wait all of this is real, this is reality" and my perspective...shifts? Into 3D. Its quite a surreal moment. What's your surreal/existential moments?

oh

seems I've been up for 33 hours oh-shit

See a cute looking women who is too old for me once, compliment her, then we part ways forever...

Hot take, its okay to have secrets, or to not tell people things, or not interact with people you don't want to. Obviously I'm not advocating for with-holding information that harms people.

Everything else aside I cant stop thinking about this current wave of discourse about how people are entitled to know everything about you just cause youre dating, and (*comparing it) to the you have to reveal your trans status thing

sorry I'm venting, obviously I'm not even mentioning the misogyny, which ew

Today is an off-day for lifting, but yesterday's lift did not destroy me. I'm too powerful for that.

arm-L madeline-stare arm-R Look out motherfuckers...

guy at the convenience store gave me a MASSIVE eyebrow raise when i bought some booze earlier. it's working :))))

thoughts on a c/disabled comm?

for the record i would not be able to mod it because of lack of energy. but i find bearsite to be somewhat lacking in conversations about disability.

I keep seeing cute men and thinking they'd look better as women or envies. The thoughts will not stop. I fear this will cause me problems

extended vent featuring health issues, drugs, dysphoria, negative thoughts, food issues, money.

i'm just so fucking overwhelmed with everything. i'm so sick, so tired, so socially withdrawn and life just won't let up. i just want to feel okay. this isn't like a crisis or anything, i'm gonna survive and things will get better with time but i finally felt like i could get into words all of the shit that i've been trying to cope with.

got covid 2 months ago while my partner and i were travelling home n they were moving to my country. been sick ever since. it's the second time i've picked up a chronic illness from an infection, and the last time it took over a year to feel reasonably back to normal. and i was chronically ill before that. partner ended up worse off than me n going through a very long medication withdrawal. and i've just been struggling to do the bare minimum to survive since then. things got even harder when we ran out of the medication i've been using to treat all the post-covid symptoms i've been having, and cope with stress and pain, and since then i've barely been able to sleep or eat. but also everyone in my community basically depends on me to get food and water since i'm the only one of us able to drive, and it's 20 minutes walk up a mountain from the point i can park the car. a trip out leaves me in bed for the rest of the day.

i'm intersex and it's kinda too convoluted to go into specifics cuz it interacts with a different condition i have but this a) causes me to have to take T in order to be maintain some semblance of physical health and mobility, even tho i get dysphoria from body and facial hair and b) has been causing my usually inert uterus to cramp and shed every day for the past year. i only just realised it had been that long. last time i tried to get help with this a few years ago the doctors were incompetent and actively harmful and i'm not willing to go through that again, nor do i think it would be any different. but now also my hormones nearly ran out and the last 2 orders i tried to make didn't arrive. wondering if i should try another company but i would then have to find one, which my brain doesn't like the sound of, and spend money which is in short supply in order to do that, and i'd have no guarantee it would arrive anyway since it would be a new source. and the money isn't even mine cuz i ran out of that and i can't work. i found one last dose after i thought i ran out and that has apparently helped enough that i feel like i can communicate the stuff that's affecting me and write this out. but it's 4am and i have to go out again tomorrow morning and i don't imagine sleep is on the table.

i haven't been able to work on any of the things i need to that would make life less hard work and more comfortable because i've been so sick. and everything has complications that make it overwhelming to even start, or just flat out impossible cuz of not having enouhg money to do it and as much as i've been trying to not feel mad at myself for this cuz i know i'm sick and disabled and i'm doing my best. but the longer this is going on for the worse i feel about myself. feel like it's getting harder and harder to enjoy things or feel excited about anything or make decisions and i'm getting stuck for hours scrolling until i've read everything and then just idly looking for new stuff that isn't there.

i have been really unable to communicate my needs to other people when it comes to stuff i need help with, cuz they're all struggling and not able to do much either, and asking or talking about myself when there is nothing they can do is only going to make them feel bad, and i just don't feel like i deserve it rn. i'm afraid of inadvertently hurting people by just needing help and not being good enough. so i just carry on like my own needs don't exist, and half the time i'm not even aware of them myself.

i'd really like to order a variety of medication and drug that will help my mental and physical health, and maybe even feel a little bit sometimes, and i have been doing that to a limited extent but there isn't really enough money to do that , and the postal service is so broken it takes weeks for anything to arrive. (i do wanna add here that i'm a disabled and neurospicy mess who needes chemical assistance to survive, but i have a good track record of doing that safely and it actually helping me so pls dw)

and it's just fucked because i know things aren't gonna be this bad forever. my partner is slowly recovering and has been able to do things more. and i don't know what i'd have done without them these past couple months, honestly. anxiety meds will arrive and i'll hopefully be able to eat and sleep. friend's car will be fixed soon which means we will be able to drive all the way home and not have to walk. but i'm just feeling really trapped inside myself and dissociated and i don't know how long it's gonna be until i feel okay again. i've been coping p well, largely had a good mood and mental state, until a couple weeks ago. i wanna feel like myself again.

i think that's probably about it. thank u for reading anyone brave enough to make it this far

thinkin-lenin if i come out at work, i can use that as an excuse to ignore anyone who calls me a man

i think im out of hormones. delivery keeps getting fucked up. this is about to become a problem.

Lesbian belt

truly aren't we all working on disco elysium successor projects?

My gender today is salty old seadog

Real boymoder hoodie weather.

Am I having a period, or just a stress-induced breakdown? lea-think

the psychiatrist aiming to understand my crippling desire to see two girls kissing

HRT: I will help you get more in touch with your body

My body: GAG REFLEX

Being really weird and gay, late at night...

Is it weird that I feel some sort of attachment to the femboy label as a binary trans woman? I wasn't even a femboy before I transitioned, just a regular twink.

bit of body and bottom dysphoria, tucking

Concerned about getting tucking panties because I don't really have hips yet, and the circumference of my waist is still several inches larger than my hips. Could getting women's shapewear help for both? Like would it help with tucking and be able to tone down my stomache?

Shaving my whole body just as it starts getting cold out might have been a mistake badeline-anxious

more reason to clean up my room: i can't find my pajama pants that have the cute sunflower pattern on them. i love them even if they don't have pockets

EDIT: nvm found them

>"trans/queer horror recs?" thread

>looks inside

>authors are a bunch of cissies

thought i had a free night but it turns out i have a ttrpg thing tonight... i want to sit and rot in my room but instead i have to go have fun 😒

I keep waking up normally but quickly sliding into the most foul fucking moods ever. Maybe it's just hormonal but Idk, should I stop taking my gabapentin or something?

my head hurts this sucks john-agony

I've been lifting every other day for almost a week now. This fucking slaps, not gonna lie. I did a bit more than usual today, and I don't feel wrecked. I am gonna become superpowered.

up with trans

I actually have a surprisingly large amount of friends. Of course, if I stopped planning all our outings and waited for them to make plans with me...

now us euros are getting in on all the hurricane fun

(i am actually worried)

Uh I don't wanna go on Letterboxd anymore. Every time a movie has even the slightest whiff of the gays in its undertones, people go absolutely feral, as if Interview with the Vampire is actually good. I get it, right, but can we hold ourselves to slightly higher standards than that? I'm not against people enjoying things, I just dunno y'know? I wish I saw what they saw in stuff like Nightmare on Elm Street 2.

Also my feet hurt I wish I was watching movies about scary transgender autistic dykes!!!!!!! kel-screm

Being out to even a few friends feels really good.

Highly recommend. Way better than the closet.

Cis people are so weird. One of my housemates said that she is getting rid of her black jeans because they're out of fashion, even though she still likes some of them. She doesn't want to be seen wearing clothes that aren't trendy.

What a boring way to approach self-expression. You just want to look like everyone else? You just want to go with what's popular instead of what you personally like?

Trans/gnc people are sooo much better at fashion

gay mega topic, what are you gay?

if kirby swallowed you what powers would he get

My sweet gay lil son Curly likes playing with dolls innocence

(that's ok, and we like that! We like that. Many people are saying their cats are gay and we like that, I will say that. a-little-trolling )

What are some signs one might be trans? I have noticed a few things that I think might be suspect, but I still think I'm cis.

I had a dream last night where I was in this video-game like dungeon and it told me "the dungeon reveals all". I explicitly remember seeing my reflection as a woman and liking it.
I'm really nervous about aging as a guy, I can't help but worry about going bald or all that stuff, but that doesn't necessarily mean I have dysphoria.
I never really found myself relating to boys, most of my friend group is an even split in high school, but as an adult I am totally isolated.
There's been some women I've seen and thought that I wish I looked like them, although the same can be said for men too.
I've stopped myself a few times and have thought to myself "am I trans?"

There are some things that prove my cis-ness too, but I wonder if any of these signs might mean something.

EDIT: Wow, thanks so much everyone! I’ll be sure to give this all a read! hexbear-trans

took two whole months but am finally starting to feel somewhat functional. beyond only being able to sleep 3 hours a night that is yea

The idea of coming out is terrifying. My stomach is in knots every time I think about telling anyone outside of hexbear. I told one friend I was questioning a while back and it went well, so I'm not sure what my issue is. I'll try to break down my reasons.

spoiler

I worry they'll have bad ideas about trans people. There are lots of bad ideas out there, and it seems like a lot of people don't really care about having good opinions on things. So what might they think about trans people, and what will they think of me?

I worry they won't see me as who I am/want to be seen as. They (family and friends) have only known me as a guy. Will they even believe me? And if I'm just going to be seen as [dead name] pretending to be a girl or whatever... that's way worse.

Some of this might be autism, but I worry I don't know how to act right. I don't know how to be a woman, I don't know how to be trans, I don't understandddddd ohnoes

Status quo changes in general are really hard for me. Slightly off topic, but the church has traumatized me massively. I was taught horrible things and I have struggled ever since. Its still, years after leaving, hard for me to not want to continue traditions from the church. I hate it so much, but its still hard to let go of. And I guess its kinda the same thing here. I know it is bad for me, I know its wrong, I can look around and see the problems. The rot.

dysphoria

Every time I hear myself talk, who do I hear? [deadname]. Every time I look at myself, who do I see? [deadname]. How can I expect better from anyone else?

my mediocre amount of meetings that were supposed to happen today have all been delayed until tomorrow, turning tomorrow into an actual wall of endless video calls with no breaks

my primary desire for everyone to be paid the same is so the shithead doctors who only entered the profession for money no longer have a reason to practice medicine (most of them)

up with trains

kel-what You're telling me this character is a BOY and I've been using this emoji this whole time and NOBODY told me!?

the difference in upvotes between the two megathreads is proof hexbear needs another purge

started eating instant noodles that had a rip in the paper top (but the plastic wrap was intact)

thought about botulism and now i'm not hungry anymore blob-no-thoughts

reddit-logo just did me a huge solid and permanently banned my account with no warning. I cannot even recover the account. Thanks for the push I needed to never go back to that shithole.

if you're very lazy like me and like to enjoy other folks playlists I found out if you just put 'wlw' into spotify search there are a lot of super sapphic playlists already made by those blessed unlazies

OMG. I'm awake at american times, I can talk with people from half across the world. (I couldn't sleep yesterday)

why are people so fucking awful ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

WOKE BEACH BOYS: well she got her daddy's car and she cruised through the vegan hamburger stand now

My gender is “opening my backpack to find 4 different microcontrollers and a bloodwork requisition form”

Social media is icky. Just scrolling makes me jealous, wishing I were being tagged in stuff, "on the inside" of whatever is happening.

I bought some thrift store capris that feel very comfy and am excited to wear them

Again, just got up.

general advice for coming out as trans at work? I'm going to ask my therapist for some advice later this week but I'd like to do it by the end of the year but god damn is it going to be a rough time trying to do that

Boomer alert -

The kids nowadays are young enough to have not grown up with optical media, so you hear a lot about "movie CDs are rotting!!!!" in sloptube comments or whatever. I pretty much took this as a falsehood; burned CD-R/RW discs and DVD + and - R/RW discs do often quit, 'cause of the way the laser has to burn the pits and lands into the dye of the disc or whatever. But pressed discs? Maybe Laserdiscs, but I have CDs from like 1986 that are still in perfect playing shape. A copy of "Decade" with literal holes in the plastic player that still plays and rips perfectly.

Recently though I actually found a disc that might be "rotting", which is a 1997 (or whatever) DVD copy of Interview With The Vampire. The problematic vampire yaoi made me fight to watch it, because the disc doesn't really have any scratches, but the data layer at the outer edge of the disc (where the layer change happens) has little nicks and chunks missing, even though the plastic surrounding it is fine. So my Sony 4K player freaks out when it hits the halfway mark, and skips like five minutes because the data is actually missing. PC drives don't do much better, so like... wow, I wonder if this is a manufacturing defect or genuine rot? Wild though, first pressed disc I've ever bought that had non-scratch issues...

I really want to move to a bigger city and start everything from scratch. Leave all the people and places associated with my my old life behind. But I'm probably just gonna be stuck here forever instead trans-sad

I'm gonna fucking shoot god for giving me such hairy legs. I'm gonna buy IPL holy shit.

Reading a genderbent isekai and going "god I wish that happened to me"

Hey... Wait a minute

i am literally just a girl

Very normal things are happening

I remember hearing from uh, @bubbalu@hexbear.net that this was in the works but waow.

Been doing voice training. Reply here, and I will use your comments to voice train.

You can be assured whatever you write, I will say out loud at least once in my cartoon fem voice.

Be nice~

Edit: HELP I'm being feminized by BMF (Binding Male Feminization) posts agony-shrooms

sad

dysphoriaposting

cw anatomy ig

My breasts are very small and it bums me out sometimes (like right now)... Its been two years, steady levels (that were pretty high, just got my labs back and e was at 410, when goal is 100-300 (pg/ml)), and still little to no growth. Theyre an AA cup, maybe an A, with no volume. Like, they go out a ways, but have no volume to fill out a bra or look even somewhat normal on my (fairly broad for a woman) chest. I really want to love them but a lot of the time i just look at them and feel sad that theyre so tiny and oddly shaped. Like, my family tends to have C cups or larger on both sides, why did i get the tiny titty gene? ralsei-pout idk i dont want a BA for a few reasons, but might get one just to feel better about my chest. Is that stupid and a poor motivation? I feel like it is... Idk... Idek anymore, i just would like a bit more breast tissue please and thankyou

I found this really Interesting FE romhack. Seems really unique and intuitive, I'll report back when I've played more of the game.

Also it's totally pronoun emblem :waow-based:

Dysphoria, transphobia/exploitation

Tried looking up "transfemme fashion" on pinterest to get some outfit ideas, and while there were some things that were nice/fine, there was a ton of tr**/d***girl/femboy shit in that fucking feed from out of nowhere.

I don't like Pinterest that much, but I do find it useful for aggregation and was hoping to use it to collect some ideas. Now I know that actually trying to see what outfits work for other trans women on that platform is going to be minefield at best.

Libs are really mad at me because I called Natopedia "Natopedia" That's alright, I'll continue pissing on their garbage takes bridget-pride-stay-mad

I've actually really improved on the violin, like a lot. I'm still kind of hard to hear practice, but it's not yeowly screeches anymore and looking at fingerings notations every other note. Now I can sight read AND mostly get the note lol. I think I can even graduate to big girl mode and take off the other 2 fret line thingies. My teacher got me to do third position. Now she just has to give me the secret of vibrato!! How the fuck do they do that, they just shake their hands? It doesn't sound even a little nice when I've tried

no new mega? oh well. posting here

wow! having a purse/bag to hold all your stuff in is really nice! not only is it super affirming but it's also really convenient! look at all my stuff in here! i can carry so much on me now! wow!

pro tips: develop a crush on a cute trans girl less than a week before learning she has a gf. this is a great feeling to have

The Irish knocked it out of the park with mushrooms as a breakfast food. I love mushrooms in the morning yummy

they should invent a shower where the second you step out you're warm and dry

Man, as a recent immigrant and trans person, dealing with Britain's healthcare system is possibly the most exhausting and degrading thing I've ever dealt with.

Ooh this skirt is nice for sleeping/nightwear

monkey paw curls

It constricted my movements so I woke up in the middle of the night and could't go back to sleep. Worst of all, I didn't realize I could just take it off until the morning. Something like this happened once before, my brain just doesn't work sometimes.

@EstraDoll@hexbear.net we should make this when everyone is at your house for legos

Incredibly important quiz for all my fellow lovely transes

Which would you choose:

Poltergeist
Spider
Swamp Monster
Dream Demon
Vampire

Please leave your answers below, thank you! cat-trans

so far we have 6 vampires, 1 poltergeist, 6 dream demon and 2 spider

as the quiz holder i will add my vote for dream demon too izutsumi-idea

I think I have serious trouble regulating emotions. I did a workout today and felt absolutely ecstatic, like mentally I could have kept going for ages but my body was about to collapse. The in the afternoon I went for a walk and for some reason made myself super depressed. I feel lonely and ugly and I hate my body. Why am I like this

Finally getting some use out of all my cute sweaters comfy

new announcement ended up making me sad

got he/him's acting real classy i see what-the-hell i'm not actually looking to fight anybody. just. took a long time to find a place that actually kinda felt safe enough & suddenly it seems much less so. think i'll be limiting my bear site presence to the trans spaces, for the time being. that's what i'm here for, anyway.

much love & strength to all my beautiful siblings cat-trans the last couple months have been backbreaking, but it woulda been considerably more difficult w/out this gay lil online living room :3

Transes, what's going on with me?

spoiler

What's with this whole imposter thing?

Not only do I want to be a woman, but I want to want to be a woman. So why can't I believe it?

My wife and friends are all very supportive. I get she/hers. They use my new name. I'm dressing like a woman. Going through transition things like hair removal and voice training, but there's something holding me back.

I don't even know what it is. I can't even point to it. I'm clearly not cis (and don't want to be), and if I looked at another trans woman and saw her doing all the things I'm doing, I'd be like, "oh, that's a woman." But me? Idk, feels like something STILL hasn't clicked.

Like, I'm happy. I'm happier than I've been in a long time, but I'm afraid I'll wake up one day and be like, "well all that was weird. Wonder what I was thinking."

I ask if I'm doing this for the wrong reasons. What even are the wrong reasons? Lmao.

I've seen a thousand other trans people with this same thought, and now I'm going through it. Ugh, exhausting!

(Gonna keep transitioning tho. I won't be stopped!)

I'm hiking, which is nice, but my asthma is kindly reminding me of what happened yesterday. The Earth, kindly enough, is answering my prayers for air and sending giant gusts of wind in my direction. I've rolled my ankle multiple times, but it's really nice out so it's still a good time 😊

Following up on my naming post, my wife is now calling me "Marxist maiden," "Leninist Lady," and "socialist sister"

Works for me~

I sat at my desk three hours ago with the intention of figuring out how to describe to myself what I was feeling. I still can't. I know I dissociated kinda hard for a little bit. But everything else... I can't put words to it.

Hopefully my brain can finally turn off now, I'll see you all tomorrow.

Skin is surprisingly soft/smooth for a change. Gonna blame the two injections I had on Tuesday.

spoiler

No, I'm not talking about E. Why would I do two shots of that? Could always have just used more in the single injection.

Overwhelmed once again by the immense desire to give everyone here a giant hug

Guy I know that lives 30 minutes from Tampa didn't evacuate desolate
He's high enough that he shouldn't get hit by the storm surge but still

i'm literally dying from a mild headache and my wife chooses this moment to bully me about it. like talk about kicking me while i'm down

damn my tiddies are getting fuckin huge awooga

i took some nice pictures of myself today and you could see my tits through my turtleneck

at a distance of about twenty feet hyperflush

Fuck it

sad

self harm and suicide

Why am I even alive? This is all just pain, its been pain for so long, and I don't see that ever changing. There is so much pain from so many directions. sh'd earlier and it did nothing for me. So like really, how am I supposed to stop being in pain? This happens literally regardless of what I do. Do girl stuff, feel like shit. Self care? shit. smoke weed? A bit better tbh, best I ever feel, but still there. Obviously there's a lot of gender pain, but there's other stuff too. And I am just so sick of all of it.

Even posted about it makes me feel like shit. Like oh here I am just bitching when other people have it worse. Why even post about ending it when I don't have a method. Just stupid drama baiting shit tbh. Probably how everyone sees me. Can't even sh properly so how am I even going to go through with a plan anyway.

Anyway I'm just rambling, I want to escape this. fwiw I don't have a method so don't worry about my safety too much.

Edit: I'm going to head to bed now, hoping to feel better tomorrow. Goodnight mega.

@ashinadash@hexbear.net I looked through your recs and picked up Fluids by May Leitz. Holy fuck is all I can say, I'm at the 2nd part of the book and wtf. I didnt know it was horror until it ramped up lmao

Anyone got that screenshot saying that trans people like Celeste because it gives us unrealistic fantasies of double-jumping? It was posted on Hexbear some days ago but I can't find it.

I ate too much sugar free things and now I'm paying the price.

She's my best friends doggirl

She's my best friends doggirlfriend

And she use to be mine

I watched Kiki's Delivery Service last night, and it was very cute, as always! Though this time, I noticed that Kiki often will see another girl, or an older woman, and remark at how pretty she is, and how Kiki wishes she was pretty like that. And as an early transition trans fem, that's such a fucking mood!

So Kiki gets the bespoke award of "My new queer headcanon", alongside that cool painter who lives in the woods and is DEFINITELY a lesbian, and those old ladies who are also probably Gay.

Tl;dr - Kiki is trans, because I said so

I've been experimenting with low waisted jeans lately, and it's all good until you need to sit down.

I just received in the mail a personal note from Mark A. offering to buy my home for cash. BUT THAT WASN'T MARK A. WHO JUST DELIVERED IT! It was just some woman with a whole stack of identical letters!

I am starting to think these letters may be a scam.

I just had a level 5 metapod break out of 5 pokeballs in a row, wtf is this cracked metapods cachrate

Are you a lovely lady or a nasty girl?

snorting wassabi powder to get a little kick in the morning

sicko-power When our turn comes, we shall make no excuses for the transing.

"I'm sorry ma'am, all the chosen friend groups have been formed"

Eating ice cream was maybe bad idea. bottom-speak

feeling like shit. some loud braggart tried to put me down and say his school is great... he also refuses to acknowledge my school (number one in the state)

some homeless guy on the street in my dream gendered me correctly :)))

I have so many razor bumps on my body niko-cri

worked out

Thinking I should just get a hair transplant done as soon as I can afford it. I know that it's best to get it together with FFS, but that's several years away and I don't want to go that long with this awful hairline.

Clicking on the trans mega because I wanted to go to the regular mega???

I fucking did it again

I now have ONE outfit I will consistently wear. I need another caridigan, they look nice and are really comfortable.

Wish Winter would come already i want to wear leggings and thigh highs but its still fucking summer Temperature in fall

wtf brain

took a quick five hour nap while partner was gone & woke up absolutely miserable for no discernable reason oooaaaaaaauhhh

I had a dream about getting to the top of the list of bottom surgery and going to the clini to get it on!! I was mostly excited - although they did keep asking me to do weirder tasks also

sex

I was bummed I hadn't made a copy of my current fock for after, but I didn't let that be a concern.

The tasks were like, nursing skill/knowledge quizzes but at some point the testing people left without a word and apparently I "passed" the final test by finding them

yep, the E did exactly what I thought it would do and turned my already very thick, muscular logs I called thighs and now they're thicker than some girls' torso, good lord

I just discovered that the hippie skirts I've been buying can also be used as a dress. They even have a little neck strap thing that I can tie into a cute bow. This is life changing information.

hummus? more like yummus

curious-marx thinking about any time i've ever successfully cleared the bottom allegations and honestly it's not coming to me

it's been too long since EstraDoll's talked about her tits, hasn't it?

i got a planned parenthood appointment in about two weeks where i'm going to try asking for prog and honestly i think they might just take one look at my chest and say "girl you got enough". 5 months in and these girls are pushing a B cup good lord

getting my updated hormone levels back in about two weeks to talk about. if they look good i might be able to stop spiro and maybe then i'll be able to sleep again

meant to post about this last week but I'm delighted with my dye job. I'm naturally a dirty blonde/light brunette depending on the season, with some slight red undertones (stealing valor there tbh, sadly didn't fully inherit that from my mother). I went for like a super deep cherry red, and I'm absolutely loving the result. my hair is easily my favourite physical feature so I'm preening over it even more than usual. washed and conditioned tonight and my curls look great. I was also pleased that I got it done right in time for [personal special occasion] last week where I got to hang out with some of my buds and felt I looked great, even put a full face on which ive also been getting more confident with! I've been pretty freaking depressed lately but I thought I'd push myself to make a positive post hehe. love all my trans comrades!

drugs but uh more relevant this time

so i'm AuDHD, but historically speaking, amphetamines have had a p drastic effect on me. like, i'd actually be wanting to leave the house & loved just talking w/ ppl about anything & everything, all through the night. i'd be getting chores done like it's nothing. now tho? i'd rather stay. quietly in bed & use my newfound focus to shove things into my brain. it's balancing my emotions & in fact, making it easier for me to rest in the clutches of insomnia.

there's been quite a lot going on over the last year or so & i often can't be sure what's what, but i gotta wonder, does anyone feel like hrt has changed the way they react to certain chemicals?

thinking about getting a salt lick and a scratching post and just becoming a goat

I know it's unfeminist of me, but a freshly shaved bush feels so much nicer.
Haven't shaved for like 2 or so weeks and I am realizing how much micro-dysphoria it gave me every time I would go to pee now that all the hair is gone.

ANTI CISGENDER AKTION

if i die by wasting away in a dorm room bed from my untreated chronic illness, i just want you all to know that it was a good run, comrades

Using :3 unironically a bunch has been great.

Having insane boob itch today, but the itch is underneath the skin so scratching it doesn't even help aubrey-rage-cry

it's been a while since i've fashionposted... are there any fashion topics that you all would like to see some posting about

My sister decided to tell her therapist about me, saying I looked happier after I transitioned. She told me that it's probably the happiest she's even seen me, and I'm pretty glad that others can see how I'm feeling. Still have stuff going on, but it says a lot about just how bad I was pre-transition.

Also, her therapist told her that I need to get therapy and find other trans people IRL (friendships or support groups). Trust me, I know, her therapist really read my mind from idk how many miles away yea

I was looking in the mirror (accidentally as one does coming down a hallway) and uh ooh boy I have like the beginnings of the classic hour glass thingy. Where the sides of my waist pinch in like ) . (

When the hell did that happen 😳

T levels are still looking so low i think i'm just going to quit taking spiro, even after lowering by E dose by 25% mario-thumbs-up

More people have begun trying to gender me correctly at work, and it's very nice. There's one coworker in particular that's been absolutely wonderful about using the name I requested and using fem coded language. It felt so unbelievably nice when she gave me a copy of something I had asked for in the group chat and right at the top of the page was my name hand written. Idk it's such a small thing but it felt so nice.

Also, I made a key for my midterm review in the cute handwriting I've been working on and I had a student compliment my handwriting and uhhghghghghghghgh no one's complimented my handwriting before!!! People have made neutral remarks about my old handwriting, like how it's very tall and skinny and consistent, but no one has ever just told me they liked it until now. It was neat being on the other end of that, since I've told soooooo many women I loved their handwriting lol.

Also also, I'm not so sure about the idea of calling my birth name my deadname. I think I still like it and might end up wanting it as my middle name, even if it's kind of aggressively masc. I say that, but it might be my extreme sentimentality talking. I mean, I literally still tell people my favorite color is green even when it isn't, because I considered it my favorite color for so long and it feels weird to just sort of ditch it. So it's very likely that the same kind of thing is happening with my birth name, where I don't actually like it that much, but the sentimentality makes me feel like I'm losing something by giving it up. I will say that my chosen name has all of the components that I like about my birth name, but has the additional benefit of my liking the name itself. I wish I could share my name with you all, because it's sooooooooo cute.

As soon as I consider the thought of making my birth name my middle name, I'm immediately smacked with the realization that I could instead pick something cute as my middle name and that already sounds much more appealing to me. This whole time I've been simping over the overwhelming cuteness of the first name I've selected, but neglecting the reality of a whole ass other name I can consider.

This post is a bit of an amalgamation of various random ramblings haha. Perhaps I could have made each of them their own post to boost our post count...

in my feelings

Re-watched I saw the tv glow 2 weeks ago with my girlfriend and it fucking destroyed me the second time around. Really took me by surprise because I didn't even tear up the first watch.

Same week I started sobbing from the pain during my laser session, like I was a total mess. I absolutely could not stop it from happening and It's not something that ever happened to me pre transition.

Today I connected just a little too hard with a song and started crying on my drive home.

E has turned me into a crybaby and I fucking love it. I love crying. Why? No clue, maybe it's because it's a sign that my emotions are actually available to me now.

Ya girl also started stimulants last week and today I doubled my dosage from 5mg to 10mg and I feel so so so emotionally energized.

2024 Pt.2 is looking up for me.

Bit idea: Change my my name to Trans-sis Fukuyama then loudly and publicly declare that gender has officially ended forever

going to the annual anarchist bookfair tomorrow. got some decent books there over the years, and they sell some really nice artwork by artists

walked around and existed in public, used words with strangers, and got boba at the end. pretty good friday night

Happy US national coming out day.

Watched the People's Joker on tankietube. Glad it was uploaded there, since I couldn't find a torrent elsewhere.

Gave it 3/5 stars on Letterbox. I enjoyed it overall. Vera Drew herself is transition goals.

So excited to do a couple of spooky roleplaying with people!

https://hexbear.net/post/3667072

Already have a couple Tuesdays lined up for some Delta Green / SCP-style scares with mostly trans hexbears

whining

Having the first dysphoria day in months. Trying my best to pull myself out of the hole. Washed and styled my ratty hair. Tried on 2 outfits, hated them, found a third. Even if I'm miserable, I will be queer in public. I will spite the cis.

So anyway, when I was a guy, my wife used to describe me with a lot of different adjectives ranging strong to sexy and everything in between. Things related to my personality or values.

Since starting transition, she only describes me as some form of pretty (I know I'm lucky to have someone to describe me as pretty, but I'm emotional and whining rn). I brought up that it was kind of fucked up months ago because, while I enjoy being pretty and beautiful, it's not the ONLY thing I am as a fem. I know she doesn't always want to be described in those terms either. She didn't really take it seriously.

This morning, when I finally got my outfit settled, she said I looked like "the smartest woman in the room" and I legit got dewy eyed (that's where I am emotionally today). So I brought up my issue again, and I think it will stick this time.

I think it's good advice generally to open up the narrow confines of "cute" and "pretty" when trying to achieve femininity. Would recommend.

autism, agoraphobia, whining about trying to be social and normal and it not going well

Cool relative is in town and wanted to go out and do stuff with me

Went out to dinner which I never do and everything was disappointing

Went to the batting cage, rolled my ankle and jammed my thumb

Went to a cat café and you have to book appointments in advance to actually go in and play with the kitties so I just got a cute mug for my mom

Went to a barcade and it was really loud and overwhelming and the non alcoholic IPA was underwhelming and a little flat

Had a really bad headache and had to drive home in the dark and LED headlights made it worse

I think I'm just allergic to outside and fun

Shit like this makes me aware that I'm probably way more spectrum-y than I usually think

Every attempt to Make Myself Have Fun feels magnetically repulsed by me and just leaves me exhausted and sad about how bad I am at interacting with the outside world

I feel like I need a week in bed in low lights and recording booth sound panels on my walls now

I'm just not cut out for this shit

creature yes-honey-left

i knew Diddy was really fucked when they started calling him Sean Combs again

Me earlier today while I was jumping and singing along to music while taking a shower: susie-dance kirby-jammin

Me after browsing social media for 2 minutes: stalin-gun-1 agony-shivering

Real sleeping in a capsule hotel and the fucker next to me is too zonked out to hear his alarm hours. On the bright side, after staying up for like 30 hours yesterday and being forced awake at 5am I might have a somewhat normal sleep schedule for the rest of the trip?

Anyone have shopping recs in Osaka for someone that is still very boymode but wants to look for cute things? I'm also like a foot taller than most Japanese women and there's no way there will be any shoes that fit my giant feet. A yukata would be nice, tho...

(sees a fat squirrel blissfully eating a big ass triple peanut while standing on his hind legs and pissing at the same time without a care in the world)

^Hell ^yeah ^dude, ^respect lario-3

british comedy fans are always like "i louve humour and coumaedy"

I have started playing Slay the Princess, a indie horror visual novel with hand drawn art. Its fully voice acted and has weird time stuff. Its a good game, its even on gog, if you like that kind of thing. Some spoilers ahead, although I haven't finished the game yet. Oh and a CW/spoiler for the game:

spoiler

In one of the endings you commit suicide in a very violent way. Its obvious its coming, I'm not sure if its avoidable or if sensitive players should just cut that story loop short. I don't remember if there's any gore in that particular ending, but there is gore in other endings.

spoiler

The game immediately feels eerie. The atmosphere is full of dread. You can try to turn around, but are unable to actually do so. If you test the barriers of the game, you are pushed to the cabin. The cabin starts bare, with only a knife on a table. You grab it, or don't, and enter the basement. The narrator reminds you repeatedly through this whole process how dangerous the princess is and how important slaying her is, and how it must be done immediately.

There's a lot of dialog options in the basement. None of them work out for you, the player. She is a demon. A trickster, who can't be believed. Once in the basement, unless you stick exactly to the script you die. Sometimes you can kill her first. If you try to leave the basement, another (unknown) character locks you inside. Its too late to be saved at this point.

Assuming you don't get the "good" ending, after you (and possibly her) die you get brought to the beginning. Things change, depending on how you died and what dialog options you chose previously. The cabin changes, the state you find her in is different, you get different dialog. You start to splinter, there are more voices in your head. The voice of the broken, of cold. Your internal monologue becomes chaotic. But in a way, nothing changes. You are still supposed to kill the princess, and it becomes much harder. I'm not sure if there are any "good" endings past day one. If you don't defeat her perfectly and live in the void the narrator gives you, you become trapped in a cycle of violence. You die more, you get more voices, she becomes more powerful. It feels completely hopeless.

One of the endings (I don't completely remember how to get back here but I believe you have to kill her enough times?) she, this creature, possesses you. You hear her voice within your own head. Telling you to bring her to the rest of the world. That can't happen. She has proven herself to kill you if given any opportunity. You can't befriend her. I threw myself into a void, killing both of us. She is twisted and sick. Vengeful. She needs you to let her out. Once you start engaging with her, you are already doomed. She can't be entertained at all. If you do kill her at the very beginning and live, your life is empty. Floating in a void, told you are happy.

Maybe I'm projection a bit, but this is the most hopeless a game has made me feel. This game reminds me a lot of depression.

I haven't finished the game yet, there are more paths I need to explore. There's an overarching plot line I haven't seen through yet. And I'm hoping to watch a video essay or two about the game, just to make sure I haven't missed anything and to hear other's thoughts on the experience. Anyway, that's my thoughts on the game at this point, its quite the experience for me.

Great Value Chocolate 🤤

dysphoria

Body is awful. I feel very disconnected from it a lot of the time, any time I get brought back I hate it. This is all wrong.

Some stuff (and hopefully a lot of the mental stuff) will improve with hrt. But I don't know if I can/should start right now. Even still there's other stuff that won't be fixed. Will I ever like and accept my body.

self harm urges

Whatever bad vibes my body is giving me (can't tell if it's dysphoria or something else), it really makes me want to cut my arms. Only stopped by scars. Giving in and doing something non scarring (like a band) wouldn't stop the urges.

Maybe (and maybe this is not a good idea, obviously I'm feeling awful and want to self harm so my ideas are not good) if I just told them I was self harming and need to transition they'd understand... How could anyone leave me like this.

So the suggestion with the most upbears for queer movie night was Mulholland Dr, with Bit and Your Name coming in just behind. Unless someone has an issue with that, Mulholland Drive it is. idk, should I do a poll or something or does this sound good?

there's a bug in the thing I'm doing at work that I've been procrastinating on for months, but now that it's been publicly released, I can't reproduce it, and none of the end users have complained about it omori-neutral

the biggest mystery in stranger things is why joyce doesn't have a line of suitors outside her door at all times

damn, we closed the gap on the news mega... is nothing ever happening again

I want something sweet, but I don’t want to go to the store to get it.

Went inside after working outside, so I was a little sweaty. Was talking to my brother when I decided I needed to air out some of the sweat and just pulled my shirt up just over chest. Then realized what that looked like. Oops. My brother's reaction was just to comment "boobs do get hot".

!nonbinary@hexbear.net

why can i not just permanently turn off youtube's ambient mode

i literally never want it on because it looks like shit

Slice of life reverse isekai anime

My Boss is from Another World! Haruto Tanaka, a mild-mannered office worker, finds his monotonous life flipped upside down when his new manager turns out to be Zarvath, a once-feared Demon King transported from a fantasy world. Struggling to adjust to modern human society, Zarvath trades dark sorcery for spreadsheets and team-building exercises. While Haruto teaches him how to survive office politics and commuter trains, Zarvath introduces Haruto to strange life lessons—like the importance of personal pride, loyalty, and conquering one’s fears (even if it’s just asking for overtime pay).

The show follows their quirky friendship as Zarvath tries to use his "otherworldly" wisdom to improve the company's operations, often with hilariously disastrous results. Meanwhile, remnants of Zarvath’s old world (like enchanted artifacts or rivals accidentally crossing over) show up, adding fantasy chaos to everyday office life.

I think this basically a version of assassination classrom actually, back to the drawing board

It would be pretty based if I actually passed and just have BDD niko-happy

since i feel like it's right sorta time for new comms rn

is anyone interested in c/intersex?

Are women's pants just shorter or like what's the deal with my ankles showing if i pull them too high.

Am I just weird for finding it uncomfortable.

i'm a'firin ma lazor

I got some kickass punk boots last week and got a nice outfit going with it. Next outfit will be punk denim bc I saw a cute girl at work wearing that.

volcel violation posting

need bottom surgery and a really dumb BF who I can convince that T girls actually can get pregnant

Got some new shoes from Torrid yesterday. For anyone with dummy thicc feet that don't fit into normal women's shoes, definitely check them out. Also, looking for more shoe shopping options. I wear a women's 13-14 depending on the brand and width and volume are the biggest issues. My feet are 110mm wide at the ball and even men's wide shoes were often insufficient.

chronic illness

fuck i'm feeling the same kind of woozy nauseous hunger that i was feeling in the days leading up to my crash earlier this year that literally left me bedbound for two weeks (and mostly housebound for a while after that). i can't have a crash like that in college, i'm terrified that it's going to happen again. literally i will fail all my classes. and i can't get food here either without going to the dining hall.

I've only seen the clips people post on twitter, but Ranma seems much happier as a girl ranmao

Is wanting to be a girl who wants to be a guy a gender? (Sorry if this is poorly worded.)

But also I want to be super fucking girly and frilly.

Gender hurts sometimes xp

My "My GTA 5 online character model doesn't give me gender dysphoria" shirt is raising a lot of questions answered by my shirt

The physical sensation of my thighs touching each other after a fresh shave is S tier

those red bears who love to do nothing more than wipe their own ass on TV are doing a lot more to confuse today's kids than any trans people, i tell you hwat

i have a splitting headache at work and i'm trying not to inflict my terrible mood on my coworkers. for once it's not their fault

Soft drinks of choice

dysphoria

Ugh, my clothes for work feel so bad. I could really feel the difference between the weekend and today based off of that alone. Anybody know how I can femme up jeans and a really bad sweatshirt? I'm aware I could probably get it a size down, but I need some other ideas in case that doesn't work niko-wtf

In other news, I binged Nevada. What a horrible idea, now there's so many thoughts going through my head. This happens every time I binge something, but I can't seem to put stuff down once I get into it.

I changed to rectal prog and I've been getting pretty insane nightmares. Last night I had this nightmare where I had bugs crawling out of me and I had to shave my head :( anyone else have really vivid dreqms on prog?

Down with cis

I'm accepting hugs today btw

Are men/women shoes a lie? Can I just buy men’s shoes without any issues? Will hrt change my feet?

I hate going back to video games I used to like and now I'm bad chat, I'm a noob, everyone just wrecks me oooaaaaaaauhhh

why the fuck am i waking up at baker hours now

think i just have to accept the fact that until i can find somewhere else to work i'm gonna have hand eczema and horrible looking hands. can't seem to shake it, though moisturising does help

you know, I feel like gamefreak really did not need to add like 100 new pokemon per gen on average. we all got faves that are part of an archetype, mine is Pidove the gen 5 route 1 pigeon, but like most of these really are just bloat. they ofc could totally make the 1025 3d models to have every pokemon in a game, but like they put themselves in that position by making so many god damn pokemon that really just kinda do not need to exist

Not Like Before by Lily Seabrooke and Jacqueline Ramsden spoilers they kissed uwu

this book is real cute, chat. Mackenzie is adorable and trans and Lola is very cute underneath the stoic shell too even if she is cis. They still havent traversed the trans question so I'm expecting it to blow up in their face eventually. The whole first kiss and then being massively depressed and sad because "maybe she doesnt actually like me shy " nonsense was very precious and cute and adorable and that's the angst that I want to mainline _in _my _fiction. The book is only halfway done so I assume there's going to be some massive shit that's going to hit the fan and I'm here for it. sicko-lea

more like The Shits - This Farting Man

fucked up in the crib eating Detos

accidentally laughed at a joke from a newer episode of the simpsons. i'm ashamed of myself

Got “biscuits” no thanks to my wife.

I've changed most of my bedtime routine to an evening routine because I've fallen asleep on the couch with all my make-up on way too often. That's probably not great for my skin and I hope I can be more consistent with it this way.

The recent twitter drama over the non-Japanese trans person giving themselves a Japanese name is making me nervous.

What if it’s from an anime, but works as a western name? That’s fine, r-right? kobeni-sweat

Cislamic State is that a joke?

Couple of sweet things happened yesterday. First, and older woman co-worker said she always thinks I have such pretty hair and she wanted to let me know, then when I walked past a day care on my way home one of the small kids yelled "mommy" after me several times, it was very cute.

~~then i got a bit sad i'll never be able to have kids the normal way~~

Godspeed You Black Emperor just released a new record and it goes so hard. niko-dance

Maybe some of it is thinner layers, but acetone works so much better to remove nail polish then the "gentle" removers. I'm still surprised it just wiped away, not an issue at all.

music monday

hi there. watcha listening to?

Just a random thought, but bards in D&D should have the ability to use both their action and bonus action to grant another character a 2nd turn, like they can in FE. This would be balanced because bards are ass, sorry bard fans it's just facts.

i can't seem to get brain to do anything other than rolling spliffs, smoking spliffs, and pressing the reload button

posting here to reaffirm my commitment not to abandon the mega just because we have an enby space

HRT question

How bad of an idea is taking expired sublingual estradiol?

So thanks to all my fellow transes voting in my quiz i have decided the order of monster romance books i will read next, the first book was decided via simulated coin toss because both vampire and dream demon got the same amount of votes

Dream Demon -> She Came at Midnight by Darva Green

Vampire -> She Came for Blood by Darva Green

Spider -> In the Court of the Nameless Queen by Natalie Ironside

Poltergeist -> At the Crossing by Suzanne Clay

and finally completely forgotten

Swamp Monster -> She Came from the Swamp by Darva Green

My lower back and hips hurt

Wish I had someone who could massage and rub em for me 😒 tylenol and a535 aren't working

if i was a lion i would probably detransition because male lions got that sick mane and lionesses don't

weird dreams

In one of my dreams last night I became a mom and people immediately started giving me shit for wanting to sleep. Then the hospital flooded and I woke myself up.

In another dream my aunt was telling me I need to eat more because of hrt.

We're probably not going to go on strike 🥳🥳

Depends on the voting by members, the bargaining committee and a mini assembly of about 500 nurses are recommending we vote yes. We'll get a nice lil raise from this contract and some boosts to different premiums. Also more rural incentives. I haven't read the new contract proposal, one of the sticking points was including safe patient ratios in the contract - I have a feeling we had to give on that, which sucks.

Tom and Jerry roleplay

Every time I try to watch a makeup tutorial I end up feeling overwhelmed

anyone else like the mountain goats here? squirtle-jam

metaphor is finally out and the world is making me work

the transphobia never ends transshork-sad

Trans Megathread for the Week of 2024-10-07 to 2024-10-13 - ETR 600

👕

up with trans

up with trains

music monday