I know Mormons can't have alcohol, but couldn't they just dip their tongue in a glass of beer and not move it?

I have family in Utah and there's a pretty common joke in this vein.
Why do you always invite two Mormons to a party?
Because if you only invite one they will drink all your beer.
- Every Mormon I've ever met is very serious about walking the talk, alone or not. They're probably more serious about following the rules of their religion than any other religion. Well, them and Muslims, but Mormons seem happier doing it.
  
  They're serious about following the rules because their entire social and community structure stresses conformity. If you break the norms of the faith there are serious repercussions and you can lose your entire family, community, and support structure. When they're alone with others who aren't of the faith they are definitely far more lax. I've drank beer and even had chocolate with Mormons before lol.
  
  While there must certainly be some devout Muslims who try their best to keep the "rules", as I'd expect in any group, a lot of Muslims are not so different frombthe rest of us non-Muslims.
  My coworker is a former Muslim who had to leave his home country due to persecution when he became a Christian. Here, he's made Muslim friends who regularly invite him over for dinner and they serve... Pork. They say because he is not a Muslim, they respect that and don't force him to eat halal. But why does not forcing him to eat halal equate to them eating pork?
  They are genuinely his friends, but he is also their "excuse" to break halal.
  
  But do they talk the walk?
  
  it can't possibly be that you're more exposed to Mormons, right
  
  How many Mormons have you met?
- Jews don’t recognize Jesus.
  Protestants don’t recognize the Pope.
  Mormons don’t recognize each other in wendover
- That was the joke about Baptists in my hometown. It was impossible to only invite one since everyone knew everyone's families.

They could also use the poophole loophole.
A tampon soaked in Vodka and inserted anally gets you drunk fast.
At least that's what a friend told me.
- But then some alcohol might get on your magic underwear and then you’re just a run of the mill sinner again
- I've heard it called God's blind spot before but poophole loophole is a great phrase
  
  The poophole loophole usually means something different. They say anal sex doesn't count as "losing your virginity." So they can have all the premarital sex they want, as long as it's in the pooper.
- JD Vance on the stump in Utah: “Tim Walz wants to get your kids drunk with ass tampons”
- You could skip the tampon and just boof it.
  
  I’ll bet you could even get a Supreme Court justice to help with that maneuver.
- Okay. I can’t tell if you’re serious, but if that’s true, how does that work medically?
  Don’t liquids get absorbed through the intestines? Can you even stick something up your butt far enough to reach your intestines?
  
  It’s capillary action. It just rams straight into your bloodstream, no dilution or waiting to go through stomach. It’s fast and effective.
  
  Alcohol gets absorbed by mucus membrane much faster than by going through your digestive tract. And your anus is lined with mucus membrane.
  It was a craze a decade or so ago where I live, cause teenagers did that to get drunk without having their breath smell of alcohol, and some of them ended up in the ER.
  
  Additionally to what others have said it's also quite dangerous. You can drink a fatal amount of alcohol but your body will generally puke before it absorbs enough to kill you.
  Using this method (boofing), you don't have that defense, it's absorbed too quickly and your body doesn't generally shit itself to expel poison.
  
  Colon is part of your large intestine.
  
  This literally was a trend in alternative swiss youth a decade or so ago, it works well and fast, straight into the blood 😂
  
  you've never boofed ketamine?
- How gaped does your ass have to be to easily insert a soaked tampon.
  
  Are your dumps really smaller than a tampon? If they aren't, why do you think your hole would need to be especially gaped?

Its called...soaking...don't Google that
- We know.

You need someone else to shake the glass

This is the type of thinking that could be the next soaking or jump jumping at BYU.
- That's the joke.
  
  I see this so often now, I can't tell if people are honestly that dense or they're intentionally pretending to be. In the spirit of Fry and Andy Dwyer, I'm not sure I want to know the answer.

How long should they let it soak?

I wouldn't want to be the guy standing in front of the Throne of God and saying "But technically..."
- Don't worry there are a whole lot of jewish people that live inside a fishing line perimeter that are going to have to explain that whole racket before you get your chance to talk about soaking.
  For the downvoters:
  https://www.npr.org/2019/05/13/721551785/a-fishing-line-encircles-manhattan-protecting-sanctity-of-sabbath
  
  Religion in general is crazy
  
  Honestly, I kinda love the whole "lawyering with God" thing that Jewish folks have going on. For any religion with restrictive beliefs, there will be adherents who will try to find loopholes. I've been lucky enough to have an upbringing almost completely free from religion (except for a year drinking hot chocolate at a Unitarian Universalist church, which is almost not religion), but I also grew up in a super Mormon part of Utah. I've spent my whole life as a bit of an outsider, seeing people pick and choose which rules to follow and try to discretely find and exploit every little loophole there is. I've always found the hypocrisy a bit unsettling.
  I think I'd really prefer it if the Mormons took the same argumentative stance with their god. It would make the picking and choosing a bit less hypocritical (which might lead to more Mormons ditching some of their religion's shittiest and most regressive teachings), and there'd be a lot less shitty sneaking around.
  
  My relatively limited contact with Jewish culture has painted a picture in which this kind of technicality is, in fact, part of the culture itself. It's great
  
  More than 200 cities around the world are partially encircled by an eruv.
  Partially?
  
  Apparently the God of the Old Testament is extremely pedantic.
  
  TIL

They need a friend to jump on the bed

What I find mad about this is that the Jesus they claim to follow (and totally not Joseph Smith who they really follow) drank wine and commanded His followers to do so
- Growing up Mormon in the 80s (I got better!), they insisted to us kids that it was just grape juice, and for adults they simply put a social stigma on asking too many questions, or any uncomfortable questions.
  If there is a theological principal in play it's that they view their prophets as still able to receive Bible-level revelations, and if their non-trinitarian God committee tells Joseph Smith that wine is bad now, then wine is bad now. If human nature then results in believers feeling like sinners who need to make it up to their community and their church leaders, then oh so sad, but it can result in the Lord's work being done.
  In general Mormon theology is rather literal and childlike, only getting complicated when trying to work around some established Christian doctrine that no new book overrides (yet!). It's almost like some provincial huckster was making it up as he went along...
  
  Yeah, just like how black people were bad and the "children of Ham" or whatever. After the Civil Rights Movement, Morman God mysteriously changed his mind and said "black people are ok now".
  
  Paul even writes in his first epistle to Timothy (5:23)
  No longer drink only water, but use a little wine for the sake of your stomach and your frequent ailments.
  This was because people were getting sick from drinking plain water (as they didn't have the same water purifying technology then) so it was common to add a bit of wine to cleanse it antibacterial. Grape juice in this context would make zero sense. Would also hark back to what Luke wrote in The Acts of the Apostles 10:9-16 regarding a vision Peter received:
  The next day, as they were on their journey and approaching the city, Peter went up on the housetop about the sixth hour to pray. And he became hungry and wanted something to eat, but while they were preparing it, he fell into a trance and saw the heavens opened and something like a great sheet descending, being let down by its four corners upon the earth. In it were all kinds of animals and reptiles and birds of the air. And there came a voice to him: “Rise, Peter; kill and eat.” But Peter said, “By no means, Lord; for I have never eaten anything that is common or unclean.” And the voice came to him again a second time, “What God has made clean, do not call common.” This happened three times, and the thing was taken up at once to heaven.
  Although, this doesn't really work in regard to the Mormon thinking that some guy can override the Bible and that the book of Mormon overrides it. Reminds me of a video a mormon made reading through John's gospel according to Joseph Smith or something where he adds in extra stuff through some claimed revelation/restoration. There were comments of people saying "okay but there are no evidence for these texts existing from the early church" and the guy just responded with "but Joseph smith said"
- The Word of Wisdom, which outlines the health guidelines of not drinking alcohol and using tobacco, as well as eating less meat, eating more grains; was originally just as the name suggests, words of wisdom.
  Joseph Smith drank wine, used tobacco, and drank coffee up to his death.
  It wasn't until the early 20th century when it started to be treated as a commandment. This is around the time when they started codifying a lot of doctrine, stopped practicing polygamy, and started to function more like a mainstream religion and less like a cult.
  Source: raised Mormon, went on mission, took religion classes at BYU-Provo on church history.

Can they buttchug it?

Nah

it's called soaking and they already know about it lol
- thatsthejoke.jpg.co.uk