Banned from Egg_irl for calling out a Mod's misuse of the Egg prime directive
Banned from Egg_irl for calling out a Mod's misuse of the Egg prime directive
Was banned from !egg_irl@lemmy.blahaj.zone for calling out a Mod's misuse of the Egg prime directive to criticize trans people for helping out trans women in denial of their trans-ness. They're denying the validity of signs of being transgender, what the actual fuck, this shit is not okay. Then after banning me that dipshit locks the post so no one else can reply on it. How is this not power-tripping?
Modlog history for my account: https://discuss.online/modlog?userId=11993717
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YDI, and it's a 2 day ban, chill out.
'Cis boys can't play as girl characters or have long hair or dress feminine' is a gender stereotype. There's no reason cis boys can't do that. Or trans boys for that matter.
You mention in your comment that you could've transitioned earlier if someone just forced you to stop being in denial, but the thing is everyone isn't you with the exact same needs as you had. There are feminine men out there who don't need to be told that actually, they're women and lying to themselves. Some of them may or may not wind up deciding to transition in some way. But that is something for them to decide, not for you to force on them because you have distressing feelings about when you started your own transition.
Everyone needs support to explore their gender and gender expression, no matter what it is. If you'd had that you would have likely accepted your gender and transitioned sooner. It sucks that you didn't have it (I didn't either), but we can't change that now. All you can do is try to make that environment for other people, and telling them that their gender must be this because of x, y, z reason isn't a supportive environment for exploring gender.
You mention in your comment that you could’ve transitioned earlier if someone just forced you to stop being in denial, but the thing is everyone isn’t you with the exact same needs as you had. There are feminine men out there who don’t need to be told that actually, they’re women and lying to themselves. Some of them may or may not wind up deciding to transition in some way. But that is something for them to decide, not for you to force on them because you have distressing feelings about when you started your own transition.
For many people these behaviors are not something normal cis people would do, they think it's normal something that every cis person does, even though it isn't. I'm not saying to force anything onto them, I'm saying tell them about being trans, that it's not exactly normal for people to do this stuff, they may think it is but come on, how many normal cis guys do you know who dress as, play as, and act like girls? I thought I knew some, but they ended up not being cis.
Everyone needs support to explore their gender and gender expression, no matter what it is. If you'd had that you would have likely accepted your gender and transitioned sooner. It sucks that you didn't have it (I didn't either), but we can't change that now. All you can do is try to make that environment for other people, and telling them that their gender must be this because of x, y, z reason isn't a supportive environment for exploring gender.
You don't know the younger version of me, she was very stubborn and felt like she was a boy and it was totally normal to want to be a girl sometimes. I was stupid and arrogant and did not want to be trans, but being trans isn't something you can choose, can't just stop being trans, and I really paid for it later due to my much later transition. You could've talked to younger me about how trans is a thing and I would've said it didn't apply to me. I wish someone would've given me that kick and said "Hey dipshit you're trans, whether you like it or not" and countered all my dumbass excuses about being a boy and how it's normal for boys to do this, because it isn't and wasn't.
I'm not saying to force anything onto them, I'm saying tell them about being trans, that it's not exactly normal for people to do this stuff
Yes, that is the bad part. You shouldn't be telling anyone that it's not normal to express their gender however they're expressing it. Even if you think it's for their own good.
If they literally do not know trans people exist or you're correcting stereotypes about trans people that's one thing, but if they do already know all that then... that's it, you don't need to do anymore. People need to take it at the pace they need to take it at, even if that pace isn't the pace you'd have taken it at. (Assuming they are trans and not just gender nonconforming.)
Looking back at your own behavior as a child or teen and seeing how it was an expression of you being trans is absolutely fine, and so is wishing it had gone differently. But you can't project those wishes onto other people.
But it isn't exactly normal is it? I mean most boys don't like to act and dress like girls, they don't play as girls in games, grow long hair. For most people these would be considered signs of being the other gender or being NB.
Also I get what you're saying about people going their own pace but you have to understand that people waiting too long to figure out that they are trans can be detrimental to their chances of passing and therefore their mental health. Some people kill themselves because it feels hopeless when transitioning later and I know the feeling. It sucks that my voice will probably never pass without surgery. If I had broken the egg as early as possible and began transition then, I would perfectly pass right now, even if I'd waited until I was 18 I would've still been better off than I am now.
It may not be typical or usual, in that most boys indeed don't do those things. But normal is a judgement word, and as they say, a setting on the washing machine. Thinking you have to convince someone the way they express their gender is not normal and they need to transition soon or they'll try to kill themselves is not just catastrophizing, it is way projecting your own trauma and hangups onto other people.
And like, to be clear, I am not blaming you for having Extremely Big Emotions about this! Being trans in a transphobic society inherently comes with a lot of trauma and societal conditioning to sort through. We have to be extra careful to not just reinforce the same oppressive system of gender stereotypes while working through our own shit, it's a real tightrope.
I'm not trying to say it isn't normal to judge them for it, I know it's hard to be trans and that's why it's important to show them the signs, so they can understand themselves why they aren't cis. I know it seems like I'm catastrophizing or projecting I just know that for many trans people it is that way, it is very hard. Transitioning late after years in the egg or the dysphoria brought on by age can be too much for many people, which is why transitioning should happen sooner rather than later.
I'm glad you understand the nature of the situation here, I think gender stereotypes suck (I was denied official HRT because I wasn't willing to pretend to be a woman for them) but it's still important to recognize that for many people acting in non-standard ways are signs of being trans. Gender stereotypes are that way for a reason, they weren't just arbitrarily made up, people of certain genders are drawn naturally towards gendered things correlating to their emotional gender, which is linked to their biological brain gender. That's why acting feminine as a male is often a sign of being trans.
Even if you aren’t intending judgement with it, ‘normal’ carries a judging connotation, or at minimum the connotation that there is something wrong with them that needs to be fixed.
Telling them that the way their abnormality needs to be fixed is through transitioning rather than conforming to their ASAB is still imposing more gender stereotypes, even if it’s done with good intentions.
If someone is given free access to information about trans people and transitioning, can talk to trans people either in person or online to ask questions, etc, and they’ve decided they aren’t trans, then that’s just something you have to respect. Self determination is more important than making sure nobody can hurt themselves by making decisions they might regret.
Even if you aren’t intending judgement with it, ‘normal’ carries a judging connotation, or at minimum the connotation that there is something wrong with them that needs to be fixed.
I'm sorry if it came across that way, I don't think people who do it need to be fixed, just helped to discover their true selves so they can be happy.
Telling them that the way their abnormality needs to be fixed is through transitioning rather than conforming to their ASAB is still imposing more gender stereotypes, even if it’s done with good intentions.
How? It's literally encouraging them to transition away from their AGAB, it's literally breaking gender stereotypes by virtue of presenting differently than society expects them to, since they are presenting and identifying as a gender different than what they were assigned at birth. Being trans breaks gender stereotypes.
If someone is given free access to information about trans people and transitioning, can talk to trans people either in person or online to ask questions, etc, and they’ve decided they aren’t trans, then that’s just something you have to respect. Self determination is more important than making sure nobody can hurt themselves by making decisions they might regret.
Trans regret is one of the lowest regrets that there is out there, almost no one does and most if not all detransitioners do so because bigoted fucks made or coerced them to do it. Trans regret is practically non-existent in the real world without external influence.
FWIW I understand you weren’t intending it to be negative, but it’s just one of those words with too much cultural baggage. If it’s important to point out that someone’s gender expression is atypical (unusual, etc) that’s something that can be done without the implied value judgement of ‘normal’.
How? It's literally encouraging them to transition away from their AGAB, it's literally breaking gender stereotypes by virtue of presenting differently than society expects them to, since they are presenting and identifying as a gender different than what they were assigned at birth.
On one hand, yes; on the other, sentiments like “girls do xyz, therefore if you do xyz you’re a girl” are just gender stereotypes but trans inclusive. The trans inclusive part is good, the gender stereotypes not so much.
Trans regret is one of the lowest regrets that there is out there, almost no one does and most if not all detransitioners do so because bigoted fucks made or coerced them to do it. Trans regret is practically non-existent in the real world without external influence.
Absolutely, and for clarity when I was talking about people making decisions they might regret I was referring to someone regretting not transitioning. It’s always better to err on the side of letting people determine for themselves who they are, even if you don’t get it or think they’re doing it wrong or that they’re going to wish they’d listened to you.
I’m not trying to tell you that you can’t feel the way you feel, or that it’s wrong for you to feel it. It’s just important to know when it’s affecting how you treat others and potentially making a place more hostile to both trans and cis people.